A little confession

When I was nine years old my best friend Kevin, who was eleven, died suddenly, of leukaemia. I didn’t even know he was ill – I’d been told he’d gone into hospital but not that it was serious. I still remember my dad telling me that he’d died. He was stood on the other side of the room; I don’t remember being hugged or held and I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral. It’s like one minute he was there and the next he was just gone…

Thirty years after he died, a few years ago now, I went to visit his grave. I stood in the grey autumn afternoon, looking at the little rose bush that was planted as a memorial and I remember very clearly thinking that it should have been me. Kevin would have made a much better attempt at life than I have; he would have done more, achieved more, would have been of more value to the world than I ever was or could be.

I still have that feeling when I think of him, which is pretty often, I guess; haven’t really told anyone that before – don’t even think I told my therapist, when I had one – so I just wanted to say it, really. Thanks for listening.

Here's to Kevin.
Here's to the blessed memory of Kevin.
Here's to your friendship.
Here's to Kevin living in you.
And here's to you, MiddleAgedMan.

(((Hugs))) Thank you for sharing that with us. I know it cannot have been easy for you. A lot of us likely feel survivor guilt and wish we had been the one to go. I think everything happens for a reason though, and often that reason is very difficult to figure out. You are here because you were meant to survive and be here today. Whether that reason is yet clear to you or not, you have continued to walk down the path of your life. There is something you are meant to do, and hopefully one day you will understand what it is.

It is sad you were not told Kevin were ill, or allowed to go to be with the others who were sharing your loss. Sadder still you did not feel the hugs and the love at the time you needed it the most. It is difficult for any of us to lose someone we love, and more so when we have to do it alone. Remember too when you think about it that when you look back on that time you are looking with the emotions of a nine year old, not the 40+ year old man you are now. That part of you may still be there in that emotional time, and be waiting for the time to feel all the things he wanted to feel then so he can put Kevin's death in perspective and move on. What you feel is okay, because you are okay.

I'm so sorry you had to go thru all of that. Things are so much better now concerning death and information about diseases. I felt sad when you wrote that Kevin would have been a much better person than you, would have achieved more and would have given more to the world that you would have. I don't know you, but it just seems to me that we all have a meaning and a purpose for life. You probably don't even know all the people lives you've touched. Try to think about all this stuff in a more positive way if you can. You are worth it and many people care about you. Take care now. I hope this helped.