[Music Rules Me]

Some of you may have read my last entry.
If so, you know how bad I feel.
If not, you can read it at
"showthread.php?t=150823"
or just go with the fact that I really dont feel good about anything at all.

Now, I can't really imagine a future for me, but if I had to say something, I'd probably want to be acting. Other things I do, but I can't see myself actually doing it as a job for money with deadlines and stuff. But acting...well it was the closest thing that I thought I might be able to live with doing.

But we got our AS level grades back the other day. I got pretty bad marks. My worst being a D in Theatre Studies. I got a B in the coursework section and a U in the acting section.

Now I knew I was bad at acting, but I thought I'd at least get an actual grade. An E maybe even a D if I was lucky. But no, I got a U.

And now I have even less clue what to do with myself. Not just in the life plan, but with the emotional side too.
Because if I'm really that bad at acting, then theres no point me even trying to do it as a career or go to uni to study it.

But if I'm not going to uni, then I'm going to be sitting at home doing nothing.
I thought that by acting I would at least be doing something for someone, maybe cheering them up through entertainment or whatever.
But now, I can't even do that.

So what is the point in me?
I didn't think I had a point before, but I suppose this small thought of having even a little bit of a life plan gave a teenie tiny spark of hope.
But now that's gone and I can't see much point in doing anything anymore.

And the only reason why I wont do anything about it is because I don't want my parents to spend time and money on rubbish like funerals or whatever.

It kinda makes me want to just run away and sink into the shadows. Never talk to anyone again, never make people look at me again, never get in anyones way again.
Just sit there and waste away little by little.

But I know I can't do that. And now I'm more stuck than I was. And I didn't think it was possible for me to feel worse and more hopeless and worthless, but here I am.
I also didnt feel like it was possible to feel more guilty, but I do because I let my parents down.

Sorry about the constant annoying rambles and posts guys, but I just couldn't keep this in any longer.

[feary]

You're SO young. Just live fully so you don't regret anything later. You have everything, youth, energy, health, talents, time. It's all in front of you, use it to make a wonderful life for yourself.

carpe diem.

[bipolarbearV]

I don't know how to help you, but my heart hears your pain. If you wish, I will pray for you. If not you still have all my good thoughts and hopes that you will be able to find a good therapist while studying drama. Both can easily work together. I know, I love drama too. I hope this helps even a tiny bit.