[Jane123]

Feel like I'm never going to be happy. That happy is being stuck in the lowest point I can hit because at least there I can cry and panic and spill my emotion. I phase between numb and zombie like for days sometimes weeks until the runoff starts to collect.Like a flash flood the emotion is there spilling over the dam. All the emotions and issues I'm numb to start taking focus and then it's as if I'm awake after too long of a sleep. I'm disoriented but feel intensely. I don't know what to do with myself so I try to distract by reading, no that only holds my attention for a chapter if that. I play a computer game, no, I don't really care about that, music to soothe. The music that's to soothe irritates me because my mood doesn't match so I change it to "unhealthy" lyrics and sounds that do match and I spiral. I surf the net looking for distraction, watch tv, read, write, play with the cats, stretch, shower and all the while twist further down the rabbit hole. So tired, middle of the night. I lay to sleep and my body tenses. I hate sleep but crave it so much. It's always a war. The bed is the enemy, my dreams it's soldier. I'm awake again and slip further in the pattern. Either I fall from exhaustion or break in pain and sobs. Tonight the sobs won't come. It's moments like this I think "breaking" would be easier and wish for it to come. I'd almost rather give in and be admitted to a psych ward somewhere and pray to be drugged up enough I could slip away. But in reality it doesn't work that way. And then there's the solid part of me that wants to thrive and be free of this depression and pain. I want to clear my head and fight for a better life. My soul says yes and my body and mind say no. Another sleepless night listening to crazed, suicidal, insanity ridden music riding the beast that is inside of me.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Jane123!

Originally Posted by Jane123

So tired, middle of the night. I lay to sleep and my body tenses. I hate sleep but crave it so much. It's always a war. The bed is the enemy, my dreams it's soldier.

How clear and poetic a description of a terrible reality!

Are you in treatment for any of your conditions? Have you seen a sleep specialist? Refreshing sleep is critical for anyone, how much more so for depressives. I'm sorry you have to deal with insomnia (and nightmares?) on top of everything else; I suppose it's all a massive tangle.