[tangodream]

It has been a few weeks since I posted anything to the group; sorry about that, but I've been busy trying to find a new job to replace the one I had for one day in mid-August & then lost the next day due to being sick.

Getting that job caused me to plunge into a deep depression coupled with panic attacks that left me feeling totally out of control & in a lot of emotional pain. In addition to that, I was also sick with tonsillitis (which I didn't know I had until I went to the doctor), a sinus infection, and fluid in my ears. I was really ill physically on top of everything else.

So, since then I have gotten over the tonsillitis but am still having sinus problems, as always. I have also been looking hard for another job because my unemployment benefits ran out & the only income my family had coming in is from my husband; he's been working 12 hour days six days a week in order to keep us afloat.

I was unable to see the new P-doc my regular doctor recommended due to a lack of funds. I've been going to the food shelf to get food for our family, got an application for food stamps, and was going to look into getting us heating assistance. He has two teenage daughters who live with us full-time who eat a lot of food & who are involved in activities at school that cost money...money we don't have, as I point out, but he doesn't like saying no to his girls.

Well, I had an interview for a job last Friday and found late yesterday afternoon that the company wants to hire me; I start tomorrow! I have no business casual clothing, so I need to go shopping today to try to find some items I can wear and shoes.

While I am not feeling the sense of horrible dread & emotional storm like I did when I was hired for the job in August at this time, I am feeling a lot more depressed today than I did yesterday. Last night, my husband asked me if I was "okay" when we got out of the shower--meaning, was I feeling emotionally terrible like I did last time around? I told him no, I wasn't, and that if I started feeling that way, I'd tell him.

I know I can't continue avoiding going back to work, but I don't understand why I feel such a depression about it. Up until I was laid off from my job of 13 years in December 2008, I have worked most of my adult life & was proud of being able to contribute to the financial well-being of my family. When I was laid off from my last full-time job, I was devastated.

Now, the idea of going back to work is really upsetting me. Why? Have gotten so lazy since being laid off that I don't want to work? It is that I'm afraid of committing myself to another job that might turn around & dump me like I'm a piece of trash? I don't get it.

I am trying not to think about tomorrow to much, trying to focus on just getting by within the minute I'm facing but it is really hard for me to not worry myself into a frenzy. I have always been a person who looks for the worst in situations, who always worries too much, & I have a hard time living one day at a time.

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom?

Kim

[Vossie42]

Hi, Kim! It sounds like you're anxious about returning to work because you haven't worked for awhile. Also it sounds like there's alot at stake ($$, pride) and you're afraid of messing up and losing your job. I don't blame you for feeling that way. Starting a new job is stressful for anyone, depressed or not. Anxiety about making a good impression, learning the job duties, meeting new people, fear that you won't do well enough, etc. is enough to make a person implode. That's perfectly normal. Remember that your new employer wants you there, so obviously they think you have the skills to do the job, good work ethic and the personality to fit in and work well with other employees. And you were selected over a whole bunch of other qualified candidates and in this awful economy! So there's something about you that's really, really good....

Good luck on your first day. I'm sure you'll do well, because you care about the job. Let us know how it goes.