Roller Coaster . . . Again

Going along being busy. Was happy Thursday cause I heard from a dear friend. Yesterday I was busy with something I enjoy. Today was the same . . . until now. Now it's that feeling again . . . that nearly in tears feeling that won't let go. Even when I cry my eyes out. That utter nausea in the pit of your stomach that has nothing to do with food and feels so bad you want to scream. That black fog that fills your head and won't let you think of anything to do or try anything except . . . why bother?

It's the weekend again. Nothing new. Been dealing with this nearly every weekend for 15 years or more. And I hate it. No pill fixes it. Nothing I do makes it lift. When it finally does lift, and I notice something that seemed to help it go, trying it again is useless, cause it won't work next time. Can't sleep unless I just happen to drop off to sleep, because my brain is on auto-awake. I can't explain it any better. No racing thoughts, just . . . sleep? NO.

When I first had these weekends I would run people off talking to them non-stop 24/7 trying to NOT think of it until it left. Really run folks off. One person, when I called, actually told someone there with her to ask her to do something loudly in a few minutes just so she'd have an excuse to hang up from me. And I had someone on a local crisis hotline tell me to go do something and stop calling. That's how bad it got. So I ran out of anyone who would listen, and learned to do my best not to do that any more if anyone came around me.

So I sit on the internet and hunt for answers . . . and don't find any. And scream and cry and beg inside my head for it to stop. Some way, any way, just STOP!

Hey MsNiteOwl,

So sorry your finding it hard today... why do the weekends make you feel like this? Can you change it?

Awe I am so sorry the people who you turned to chose to ignore you and your feelings

Just write away here.... people will answer you, don't worry if they don't the time differences make it hard sometimes ok

Take Care

xx

Miss Laura,

Thank you. It was just one of those situations where everyone pretended everything was fine Monday to Friday and then everything went horribly bad on the weekends. A whole lot of extreme emotional abuse. No discussion, no attempt at repair, just a total nightmare. Then Monday morning, the switch flipped and everything was "Leave it to Beaver" again. And it went on for several years before the whole family just crashed and splintered into a zillion pieces. And when it did, everyone who knew us was in shock, cause it was hidden so well.

There's nothing to "change". The situation doesn't exist now. But my emotional damage has repeated the routine ever since.

Hey MsNiteOwl,

I am sorry... it isn't the greatest for you

Families HUH!!! We all have that issue with them... some more so than others

Just hope you can have some piece of mind and enjoy well try to at least the rest of the weekend. Can you not make plans at the weekend something special to take your mind off of it?

Have you got any close friends you can talk to or turn to?

Occasionally I can make plans, but it doesn't work well. It hits me whenever I take a breathe. Most weekends life just doesn't allow for anything but sitting home alone.

And no close friends. Folks i know are just acquaintances I wouldn't share anything with. They don't want to listen to my stuff.

Hey MsNiteOwl,

How are you today?

I am sorry that the weekends make you feel so down. Is there local activities/groups you can attend? Anything that would help get you out of the house and make your weekends more worthwhile.

Activites/groups will help you make friends too so its kinda a winner all round.

I hope today is better for you... maybe try and get out of the house, go for a wee walk or something. Maybe the fresh air will make you realise there is more to live for and that the weekends don't have to be this bad

Miss Laura,

Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier today. It was an OK day, which isn't bad for me. Found a way to keep busy.

Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, there are no activities I can attend here. Old fashioned tiny town here. Everything is wrapped around religion, and that isn't for me.

Back to Monday now, and the weekday issues that accompany it. It never ends. Blah!

Hey MsNiteOwl,

Awe no worries...

Glad you managed to take your mind off of Sunday..... That's a shame there is no activities you could take part in. Ye I know what you mean about the religion coming into it. My area is similar in that respect to your's.

Awe yes Monday is here again.... Its a joy right lol

Hope today is better for you!!