[ishouldgo]

Hey,

Sorry to bother everyone. I hope I'm not breaking any rules. I just... I had a day that should have been good. But I can't seem to have any good days anymore. I know I'm depressed. Not, like, I feel sad, depressed but this feels heavy. I feel heavy and hopeless and useless. I'm cold all the time. I shiver. I ache. I can't sleep; haven't been able to in weeks. When I do sleep its broken and I never dream anymore.

I've felt this way for...probably longer then two years now. I've been like this before, but it always passed in a few months. This time, its just getting darker. I'm struggling. I know I need help, but I can't afford a therapist, and my small town doesn't have anything like support groups (except for AA - but as a non-drinker, I don't think that will work for me). And my car is way too old and in too bad of shape to drive to the 'big town', even if I could afford the gas. My parents are older and not in good health, and they can't afford to help me financially. Emotionally...they try. they do. but mom, when I told her that I was unhappy today...she said that she had considered getting an abortion when she was pregnant with me, but had decided against it. Though if she knew now how unhappy my life would be, she might have made another decision. I know she didn't mean is the way it came out. She was trying to sympathize. But...it didn't help.

I've always had sort of random thoughts about death, but never seriously. That's changing now, too. Today, I got a new job. And every time I think about it, my stomach turns. It's a crappy job for horrible pay - but I have no choice. I need the money. But being around all those people, for all those hours...The idea makes me feel crushed. Like i can't breathe. I'm so miserable where I am...but every choice I make just seems to be worse. And I'm lost and i have no control over anything, and all I want is to feel safe and I have no idea how to do that.

I have no boyfriend and never have. I'm not pretty, and guys aren't interested. I have a few people I know, but no friends. People will abondon you if you so much as mutter one pharse wrong, or even tell them 'no' once...and i get too tried to keep in contact. It's too hard to be 'on' all the time and it hurts too much when they do ditch you. So why bother.

I'm getting to the point where cold and numb is a good day for me, because I can smile easier and people think I'm in a good mood. There has to be something better than this...but I don't think I know what it is.

And I've gone on too long. Sorry. not even sure why I'm posting this, other than its late and I'm an idiot. Sorry.

[blueoctober]

Welcome ishouldgo;I normally post on the bipolar forum, but I just wanted to let you know I have been where you have been and there is hope. Is there anyway that you could look into subsidized treatment that's done online through Skype? Is there a Psychiatrist that is in your area. If not I would suggesting seeing a GP. I hope you find this site supportive.

[sundog]

Hi ishouldgo. Welcome! I'm so sorry for your pain and I really hope we can offer you some support. This is a great website and I hope you find some answers here. Keep posting! There is always someone here to listen.

[lonegael]

Hi, Ishouldgo! So you get cold too? No way! I get horribly cold when i'm down, so it aches in my bones! Can't say it's great to hear I'm not alone, but maybe it helps to hear that you're not. The Idea about subsidized therapy is good. definitely check it out.
Dear, depression has a way of twisting everyting that is positive to a negative. It will do anything to keep itself going. If you try thinking of the job, that you'll see how it goes, expect nothing rather than the worst, and see how you feel instead, I think you might feel a little better. Sure, the pay may not be the bet, it may not be the most stimulating (I'm being charitable to the job) but it's a job, and it get s you out and it gets you pay. Even if that is all you can focus on, all that's positive, can you do that?
Warm welcome huggs to you, and hope to hear from you again!