[justfloating]

I can't make it to my first class of the day. I got up bright and early, showered and got dressed, but that seems to have drained me of all my energy and even though I've already missed too many sessions of this course I just can't bring myself to do it. The thought of the 20 minute walk to class is agonizing. I have to fill out what's called a self-certification of absence, basically an excuse sheet for why I wasn't there. I hate ticking off the box that says "mental health." I feel like I'm just making excuses for my laziness

[jilliebeanmn]

I recognize that place you are in. It sucks to be there, but all you can do is the best you can at that moment. I know it's easier said than done, but let yourself off the hook a little bit if you can.

[Elana05]

Hi Rebecca,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so tired and down. I can really relate. Especially today. Wow, a 20 minute walk is a lot. On the one hand, do you ever feel better after the first few minutes of walking? Or on the days you don't feel so good do you find yourself wanting to just stop, walk slowly, sit down or turn around? I know what you mean about feeling overwhelmed as there are days where a walk several feet through a parking lot to a grocery store feels like climbing the Andes to me.
You aren't lazy, by any means. You're just not feeling well. Just do the best you can... it's all any of us can do.
to you today...

Elana

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I got up bright and early, showered and got dressed, but that seems to have drained me of all my energy...

How familiar! You plan on something, make all the preparations for it, and then find the preparations have drained you such that you've no reserves for the activity itself.

Infernal illness

[Miracle1986]

(((Rebbeca)))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Rebecca ))))))))))))))

[BonjourChat87]

You just gotta breathe in deep and push yourself to do it. When you don't go to class, you feel even worse about yourself. Just remember that you were able to go to class before and therefore you can do it again. Just think, you're able to go to class while many others who would love the opportunity can't. You need to start pushing yourself or you'll just stay in one spot. You can't change the fact that you were absent before but you can make sure you're not absent again.

[lynn09]

(((justfloating))) Been there...am there. Sometimes pushing yourself a bit harder works, and sometimes it just doesn't. But, it's not laziness nor weakness of character nor any of the other nonsensical guilt trips that others put on us and that we put on ourselves. Depression is a physical illness that manifests physical AND psychological symptoms. The medical and mental health experts are finally recognizing and acknowledging this fact - so should you...and the rest of us, too.

You know that you push yourself harder than anyone to do and be the best that you can at any given moment; so ease up on yourself and do whatever is necessary to deal with the moment as it is, especially since feeling negatively about yourself only serves to prevent your brain and body from producing the chemicals required for you to feel anything other than depressed and tired. lynn09

((((( Rebecca )))))

[Elana05]

Hi Rebecca,

Just checking in and wondering how you're doing... and how you've been feeling...

Elana

[justfloating]

I'm not doing so great, to be honest. Way too much on my plate. The past week was Reading Week for us and I was supposed to have gotten way more done than I did, but I couldn't get myself into gear and now I'm really behind in my schoolwork and grad school applications. The worst part is that the stress has made it nearly impossible for me to write, but I need to put together a portfolio of writing for my applications and I can't write, which makes me more stressed, which makes it even harder to write ... it's a vicious circle. \my self confidence is just gone, and I find myself thinking I'm a terrible writer, just a wannabe with no real hope or direction in her life and nobody's going to want the likes of me in their creative writing program, with all those truly talented writers, so what's the point? Worse than that, writing is my key way of coping with my depression and I'm so blocked I can barely manage a paragraph these days Plus since daylight savings time it's dark by 4:00 and the weather's been absolutely miserable -- I'm applying to schools in warmer, sunnier climates almost exclusively because for my health I really think I need more sunlight than I get here.

Anyway, thanks for checking in on me. It's good to know someone cares. ((((((((Elana)))))))) ((((((((lynn)))))))))))

[Elana05]

Hi Rebecca,

I hear you. So sorry to hear things have been extra hard lately. The idea of applying to places in sunnier climes seems pragmatic. I agree there is something about that weather that is additionally soothing - though I was born in a tropical enviro., so I'm partial.
As for the difficulty writing - you know you are not alone. How many excellent writers have struggled with depression or other illnesses. Not that that is comforting... gah. I wish I knew the right thing to say. Just that you know it says nothing about your abilities, it's is the depression talking...
I can relate, though. I will spend hours either working on artwork or studying my Intro to chem textbook - because I have to do it. Whatever I'm working on it's like I can't put it down... With both of these things it's like I have to keep them for myself right now. When I take a class or bring them out into the world I get so overwhelmed. It's like I fear they will be taken away from me. So then I proceed to tell myself why I'll never make it and how my disability will keep me from ever accompishing anything.
Is it possible to try and put the "reasons" for your writing out of your mind and simply try and find the soothing part in it again? Maybe just for an afternoon forget that you are writing for applications and simply do it for yourself? Maybe write something you feel would be "too much" for an application - too loud, or too deep, too "you." Just to let yourself know you are doing it for you and not for anyone else? Just a thought...

Sending many good wishes...

E

[lynn09]

(((Rebecca))) - Elana05's suggestion is right on point! Give yourself a break and see if you can just write something for yourself. Writers, artists, musicians - all creatives are more emotionally sensitive - after all, that's the source of their artistic expression - a blend of the mind and soul - an expression of their unique perception and perspective. Putting their art out there in order to share part of their souls with others requires the courage and willingness to expose their vulnerabilities to the judgments of others.

That's difficult enough, but having to write for the specific purpose of being judged "worthy" by others in applying for grad school acceptance can only magnify that sense of being scrutinized to the Nth degree - magnifies that sense of being exposed and vulnerable. Of course, this plays right into good ole Depression's hands since that is its favorite lie. It whispers in our ears that we are unworthy in order to manipulate us into judging ourselves to paralyze us and silence our expressions of our unique experiences of reality.

Right now you are probably more focused on writing what you think the grad-school application boards want to hear - writing for the specific purpose of submitting yourself, not just your art, to be judged according to the criteria set by that particular audience which criteria, in reality, you cannot know; and Depression, of course, will always trick you into imagining a criteria and standard that you feel is unattainable - beyond your reach.

Throw off that cloak of expectation and judgment that Depression has wrapped you in and just write for yourself - open up the floodgates and let whatever is in you pour out - not for anyone else, but merely for the sake of self-expression. Once you get that flow of creative expression going again, then you can pick and choose what you want to include in your portfolio. Remember, if you were already an accomplished writer, you wouldn't be applying for further education in creative writing in order to hone your skills - and the application boards know that. Besides, many great artists never acquired degrees or recognition in their chosen fields academically - many have never even had access to such opportunities.

You are a work in progress, Rebecca, just like your writing - your art - and you are seeking out those who are best qualified to mentor you. You are not applying to grad schools for their sake, but for yours. You are offering them a job - you are scrutinizing them to see if they are qualified to work for YOU - if they are qualified to provide YOU with the guidance and knowledge you need at this particular point in your development as an artist.

Perhaps if you developed your portfolio from this perspective rather than feeling that you have to "perform" to a certain standard in order to be judged worthy of their acknowledgment, it will be easier for you to get through this process. Which of those grad schools is going to provide YOU with the knowledge and mentoring you want and need to help YOU achieve YOUR goals, and make it worth the money, time, energy, blood, sweat, and tears that YOU are considering investing in them?

This is YOUR life, Rebecca - YOUR dream - YOUR goals - YOUR art - so you need to be very discerning about where and with whom you invest yourself. Don't waste yourself by investing in Depression's lies. lynn09

Perhaps writing about the difficulties you are encountering with writer's block and the pressures you feel may prime the thought process?