[turquoisesea]

I can't take this anymore. My roommate is such a liar and such a passive aggressive. I hate her and want her to stop pretending she cares because she CLEARLY doesn't.

And I want my relationship with my boyfriend to fix itself but... I'm giving up hope

[Rohag]

Dear Turquoisesea, looking over your post and your online journal I'm puzzling over how to actualize the "I can't take this anymore." I think you need to take that feeling seriously, but I don't know what you can realistically do to transform the situations.

I suspect your roommate is simply not worth the emotional investment.

[turquoisesea]

Yeah she really isn't. But I don't know how to let go and jsut stop caring about someone I've known for 4 years, and who lives with me. I can't just not see her anymore because she lives here you know?

[lynn09]

((((((((((sea)))))))))) - I'm sorry you're hurting so! I have to agree with Rohag that the relationship with your roommate is not worth what it's costing you emotionally.

I understand your difficulty in letting go and trying to just stop caring - and it isn't necessary to do those things to resolve the situation. Just because you care about someone, that doesn't mean that you can live with them - and just because you can't or don't live with someone, that doesn't mean that you don't care about them. These are two completely separate issues.

This is all about boundaries, again - how far into your life you allow others to come, as well as how far into other people's lives you allow yourself to be dragged. It's about you determining what impact on your life you are willing to allow others to have. Obviously, being roommates with this girl is destroying your friendship with her and it's time to realistically redefine the parameters of whatever kind and degree of relationship you want to have with her. Your statement, "I can't take this anymore" is a clear indication that you are ready to DO something about the situation - to act on your feelings. When you feel up to it and have sorted out what situation is going to be most beneficial for YOU emotionally and financially, then you need to have a talk with her and try to resolve the situation as amicably as possible.

As for your relationship with your boyfriend, perhaps now is not the right time to address those issues since your perception of and feelings about that relationship are naturally going to be "colored" and possibly intensified by your negative feelings regarding your roommate. Might be best to get your living arrangements dealt with first, give yourself some time to decompress following resolution of the roommate issues, then examine your relationship with your boyfriend from a more realistic and less emotionally- charged perspective.

Take good care of yourself, sea, and keep us apprised. lynn09

[justfloating]

(((((((((turquoisesea))))))))))


I wish I knew the right words to say. What I can give you are lots of hugs. Be gentle with yourself while you're working through this stuff.

[Elana05]

Hi turquoisesea,

I can relate. I had a friend of ten years and roommate who could also be passive aggressive and very distant. But at other times she was kind, funny, and a good friend. Unfortunately she did some things that really triggered me because they reminded me of my dad (put downs). We had some rocky times in our relationship but there was one time that I just couldn't get over when I asked her to keep a secret and she didn't. It is hard to be close to someone and also feel hurt by them. I moved away and sort of began to terminate our friendship by not calling her back. But it has been hard. My heart goes out to you...

Have you let her know how she makes you feel when she acts passive aggressive?

E

[madisgram]

tsea, sorry you've got a lot to deal with right now. do u have to live there with her? sometimes it's best to cut your losses....and say, next!!!!

[turquoisesea]

(((everyone)))

I'm kinda stuck till the end of next semester - though if I really wanted to stir the pot maybe I could attack and ask her to leave early. She'd be pissed and probably it wouldn't happen.

Also as a note, the issues didn't happen just after she moved in. the issues just came to the front when she did. It made me be able to see what she was doing more and I don't like what I see.

Her excuse is "she doesn't have time to do stuff with me". ... yet she has a few hours a week to spend with other friends, additional hours to spend with her new boyfriend, plus more hours to watch tv

For over a year she has consitently made choices where I'm the backup plan, just the person who's there if she has nothing else to do and I'm not doing that anymore, you know?

[madisgram]

ok then how bout you making some new friends and get out more, tsea? you'll not be around her as much, not feel used, and hopefully enjoy doing things with other ppl.

[lynn09]

Good for you, (((sea)))!! The last thing you need is to be made to feel like a doormat. It's true - you do get to see what a person is really like when you live with them - especially manipulators - it becomes blatantly obvious that their actions don't match their words.

Hope you find a way to get her out of your life or, if that's not possible right away, a way to make things more comfortable for yourself until you can move her out. Don't let her get to you - keep posting to get the positive support you need to counteract the negative effects her attitudes and behaviors have on you! lynn09