[Anvirre]

Well, I might as well start off with an introduction. I'm 13 and have had on and off cases off depression since I was only around 10. Sometimes I become sad for no reason and have to realize that there's really no reason to be upset.

I'm good at hiding my emotions. I'm good at displaying a facade of happiness to friends and family members. But, it's much deeper than just depression and feeling down on yourself.

Every once in a while I self-harm. Considering I'm trying to hide this second side of me, I usually cut on my upper thighs. This area is typically not visible especially in the winter. I've had plenty of thoughts of suicide but I've never attempted it. Something's always pulled me back.

What troubles me most is typically I have a nice life. I guess. It depends how you look at it. I have friends and people like me and talk to me. I'm talented and good at many things and I do excellent in school. But, then again, the only reason any of these things come about is because I'm pretending to be someone else that I'm not.

I've tried to talk to people. I've tried venting and letting out my emotions and nobody's cared. My family is VERY dysfunctional. My immediate family (comprising of my mother, my father, one brother, and myself) has its moments too. But, I've never had a normal family. I've dreamed of having a nice Christmas dinner and going to the airport to wait for cousins and aunts and uncles but it will never happen. Most of my family is estranged. Some have some serious issues. Many have hurt eachother or another member of my family. My only cousins and uncle and aunt just don't even acknoledge us. I haven't spoken to them since I was 3. So, ten years have past. Recently, my grandmother, the last dying flame before my family is completely shut out, has been doing some bad things.. definately things a woman her age should not be doing. I suppose that behavior (she's drinking heavily and other things that I will not go into detail about) came about after my very troubled aunt died a few months back.

I've done things to try to make up for not having a big, happy, loving family.. Like that's why I started going to church. I don't know what that's supposed to do, but I picture someone from a big family going to church every Sunday.

Not to mention, I firmly believe that most of my friends are completely selfish and do not care about anyone else but themselves or atleast not me. I've been told to "Shut up." when I try to explain that I've been suicidal or that I complain about my life. Currently, one of my best friends literally hates me because all I did was tell her the thing about my grandmother BECAUSE SHE ASKED why I was upset. I honestly never talk about myself to them or anyone.. but when I do.. it's like I stepped out of line and I need to be put back in place. I'm suspected to listen to other people's problems and NEVER EVER discuss my own by one friend in particular. But, I'm too passive and laid back as a person to do anything to spite her.. So I just smile and laugh it off and be there for her when o woe's her.. her mother takes away her cellphone again.

I have awful self-esteem too. When I was 11, I'd just slap myself while looking in the mirror thinking how ugly and fat and just horrible in general I was. I still think the same even if other people tell me otherwise. I've just realized there's more important things in life than beauty so I've tried to look past it.

I've also exhibited signs of schizophrenia, but I don't know. I don't know how to tell my parents or ask to be taken to a psychiatrist. I'm incredibly paranoid. I have to shut all curtains at night to make sure nothing outside can see me or hurt me. I even get scared that people are reading my mind and can hear all my crazy or mean thoughts. Sometimes I get this fear that people in photographs or on magazine covers are watching me get undressed or whatever and it freaks me out. Then, I have to turn the magazine over or take pictures down so I can go back to acting normal. I often think the same with dolls or anything made to look 'humanly'.

I bet I sound like a freak.

Also, when I get mad.. I get REALLY mad. But, I hold it in which hurts more because I have to act like I'm not pissed, when I really am. I'll throw or hit things when I'm alone to just try to let it out. Or I'll grab at my hair. Later, I'll feel horrible for being so mad even if nobody even saw me being angry in the first place.

Then, like the littlest of things will make me upset after being happy and elated. So I'll usually just feel bad on myself about these things or my mood will switch over to being upset. If I'm in a public place or with friends, once again I'll just hide it.

But like I said, I hold all of my emotions in. All of my unhappyness. All of my anger. So nobody really knows and I don't think anyone would ever even believe me.

If you read this all, thankyou.. Thankyou so much.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Anvirre,

Welcome to pc. Have you tried talking to the school counsellor? He or she can organise a preliminary test to indicate what state your mental health is in & should be able to organise if needed a consult with a pdoc.

Don't try to self diagnose because you could label yourself without accuracy and that can bring on fear, and depression which is something you really can do without.

Talk to your counsellor and get proper treatment and then go from there.

Best of luck and please keep posting so that we can support you.

.

Hello, Anvirre. Welcome to the Community. You are experiencing some very tough times now and likely would benefit from talking to a professional. Are you able to talk to your parents about your concerns? Do they listen to you and try to understand? Do you think your parents would assist you in getting help?

Does your school have a counselor you could talk to? If so, I encourage you to schedule a time to meet the counselor.

Please continue to post. We want to know how you are doing. Good luck.

[Popskid]

Welcome to PC. If you can't talk to your parents or your school counselor (which is certainly the best suggestion) please try to talk to a responsible adult that you trust about the self harm. Not someone who is going to help you keep your "secret", but someone who will help you reach out to your parents or a counselor to get the help that you need. Do you have any adult, like a friend's parent or anyone that you can talk to?