[Dark_Dreams]

Wasn't sure where to stick this since it pretty much straddles more than one forum but since the root of it stems from depression I figured this is where it would go. If anyone thinks it belongs elsewhere, feel free to move it.

I am one of those students that most other students hate. I am an over achiever. Nothing less than perfection is good enough. I have been close with instructors and often work with them throughout the semester. I have particpated in honors conferences. I have been asked to participate in various community events in regards to equality, accessible education and then some. Since I made the decision to go back to school I have not allowed anything to get in the way of being the best I can be. However, somewhere along the line, depression pretty much derailed me. I thought I would be able to handle it but maybe not as well as I had hoped. I had a therapist some time ago and I had stopped seeing her for a few reasons. My schedule was insane and trying to work her in was just too much stress. Also, I didn't feel we were working out and things were pretty much hanging out and chatting about things that seemed really irrelevant to me. However, late this summer, when I felt like everything was falling down around me, I called her and she didn't hesitate to take me back. Since then, my life has continued to fall apart but we are doing ok. However, school has seriously suffered.

At this precise moment, I am completely unaware of what my final grades will be. I know for a fact they will not be where I feel they should be. There is no reason I should not have perfection. I know my stuff. I have the ability to succeed and nothing should be in the way. But I also realize that even if I didn't ace everything, the fact that I made it through and didn't fail should count for something. I am trying to convince myself that yes less than perfection is acceptable and in the broad scheme of things, when it comes to getting a job grades do not matter. Of course when trying to get into a Ph D program, grades will matter.

I do not have to be perfect and I cannot let this keep me from trying to move on and heal what needs to be handled right now. I have managed to survive when I really didn't want to. I have made it through the semester and will continue to move forward.

But (of course there is a but), I just wish I could do as well as I know I can.

Hello, Dark_Dreams. Do you understand why you are so driven? Is your self-worth determined by what you do rather than who you are? Why are you angry?

Yes, making it through under the circumstances should count for something. Since doing so does not seem to count to you, who do you want to recognize your efforts?

Do you have anyone besides a therapist to talk too? Is there someone who will listen and not try to fix? How about a person to share your successes with?

Years ago, I could not get along with people. I tried to be Simon and Garfunkel's rock and island, http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+a..._20124809.html I succumbed to the pain of my own thoughts and cried.

Too, I tried to be Aristotle's beast: "But he who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god: he is no part of a state." http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:bM-UYZojNQcJ:www.constitution.org/ari/polit_01.htm+aristotle:+beast+or+god&cd=1&hl=en&ct =clnk&gl=us
Instead, I crashed. Burnout and depression beat me down. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burn...s_symptoms.htm

The way back has been tortuous and sisyphean. Fortunately, I am somewhat better now.

What do you want for yourself, Dark_Dreams? Are you willing to risk burnout to get there?

[Dark_Dreams]

I'm not entirely sure why I am so driven. Any number of things could be behind it. Part of it is that there is so much to learn and I want to learn as much as possible and I don't want to miss the opportunity to do it. I know as a child I was often told I would not accomplish much so this is sort of my way to prove everyone wrong. As an older student I am competing with students half my age so I feel as though I have to prove that I belong with these kids (though they have never done anything to make me feel this way. In fact, no one at school has ever made me feel that way). I want to do something important and people will listen to someone who is successful before someone who isn't. Also, I like the challenge. I tend to push myself a little further just to see if I can do it.

Is my self worth attached to my accomplishments? In a sense yes. Who I am is sort of connected to what i do. If I fail then I am a failure. However, I am more than my accomplishments. Admittedly it is hard to keep that in mind sometimes.

No I don't really have anyone other than my therapist at the momment. I have one friend that I have been able to talk to in the past but due to certain reasons that are not important, we are not speaking right now so she is out for the time being.

I'm angry because i set goals and if I do not reach those goals it pisses me off. When I don't reach those goals I tend to replay everything in my head and figure out why I didn't reach the goal and then I get pissed because I should have been able to. Sometimes it is completely irrational but not always.

I have hit burn out more times than I can count. It is actually a normal occurance each semester. Between work and school, I don't have as much down time as i should. I have worked hard to change that but burn out still happens. For the most part I am well aware of this, recognize burn out when it comes and manage it fairly well. I work with other students who experience the same thing so we try ti keep each other motivated for the last couple weeks when burn out is at its peak. And if a little burnout is what it takes to get where i want to be then so be it. My daughter is almost grown, I have no relationship right now so I have the freedom to do what i need to do to get what I want. Now, if I end up in a relationship (not likely right now) things would be different. When my daughter was younger things were also different. I have some priorities but unfortunately, I am not one of them

What will it take to accept yourself?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

[Dark_Dreams]

I haven't quite figured out exactly what it will take to accept myself but sometimes I seem to do a decent job of it. However, other times not so much. My T and I have talked about this a bit and discussed my "perceived failures". I am completely aware that my failures are generally my perception and not actual failures at all. Some would look at what I do and see it differently which is ok. I just need to keep working on convincing myself that perfection in all things and at any cost is not necessarily success

[Dark_Dreams]

Doing a fair bit of fighting frustration and anger as a result of final grade for one class being posted. I swear I have never had such an *** for a teacher before. I was trying to let it go till I got an email that was so condiscending and minimizing. He made it sound like I was a kid with no common sense and no knowledge of how the real world looks.

I know I did the best I could with what I was given and with my mental state being what it was for the last few months. I am well aware that less than perfection is not failing. I also know that my perception of failure is not actual failure. If any of the students I work with were to come to me with all of this I would tell them to be proud of what they accomplished and keep up the good work. Double standard? LOL

So while I know all of this and really want to beleive it, there is still a part of me that feels like a total failure for not doing what I know I can do (or at least what I feel I should have done.

Do you understand why you dislike yourself so much? What benefit do you get from bludgeoning yourself with could haves and should haves?

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/

As the New Year draws nigh, you might want to resolve to love yourself better, to forgive yourself for being imperfect (everyone else is... why should you be different?), and to accept who are recognizing we are all a work in process.

Use your big brain to create a plan to accomplish your resolves. Employ micro goals to reach the macro goal.

May you find peace.