[mr09]

I have been dealing with an issue for a few months now and even though i am seeking professional help, have supportive friends and family - i feel as though i need some outside, unbiased advice. with that i'll start my story and try and make it quick.

I am a female and met a girl my freshman year of college who i eventually ended up having a romantic relationship with. she had grown up in the small college town we were attending and i had come from very far away knowing absolutely no one. immediately, we became great friends. she played a huge, HUGE role in my life. neither one of us identified ourselves as gay and we chalk the relationship up into something that just sort of happened. my whole life i had needed and wanted a friend who would support and love me unconditionally. this person did that for me. i was dealing with depression, anxiety and self mutilation way before I met her, but had yet to find that person to care for me and be there for me no matter what. I attached to that. This relationship was my very first one. So, my first experience with sex and dating was with a girl. not exactly "normal" when you dont identify as being gay.

the beginning of our relationship was great. we had tons of fun together, were always hanging out and i had never been happier. She was always the positive, happy go lucky one and i was always the sarcastic one. I never believed anything to be wrong. however, throughout this time, even though i believed it to be normal, i was isolating myself from all the new friends i had made, never hanging out with them or canceling plans. but that didnt matter - i just wanted to be with her. She made me feel good, beautiful and loveable. for the first time i was in love and had felt loved. however, our whole relationship was kept completely secret. we did not tell anyone, and my friends grew frustrated and confused as to why i was spending so much time with one person. long story short, my girlfriend and i had a very weird, unbalanced relationship. I would do everything for her. Pay for everything, run her errands, go completely out of my way to do things for her, give her clothes, groceries, stop my day to help her, our dates and lives would revolve completely and totally around EVERYTHING she wanted. we would have to stop our dinner date or whatever we were doing to go hang out with her parents or siblings. I was always told what to do, how to do it, was never validated, was never told i was right and we would constantly argue about little things that would somehow be blamed on me. There were things throughout the whole year that were so obviously wrong. however, i thought that this was love because as i continued to "always do things wrong" she would always say "i love you." and i just wanted to make her happy. I would allow her to go on dates with guys, kiss other guys and even though i would tell her it hurt and upset me - she would say i was controlling and manipulative. so i eventually just let it happen but was always jealous and worried about where she was.

I took my ex-girlfriend on various trips, including a cruise to europe where she paid nothing she is 22 and I am 19. My family didn't know we were in a relationship. The day after we got back from the cruise, she broke up with me. We were at my house and in a few hours she was preparing to go be a camp counselor in Israel for 10 days. I was devastated. This best friend and person i looked up to literally completely abandoned me. She wouldnt answer calls/emails or anything and no one else knew i was going through a break up. i was heart broken, depressed and suffering in silence. Because our fights and breakups never lasted long, i was convinced she would be better when she got back. I was wrong. It turns out she had hooked up with a bunch of her campers. pictures of her making out were all over ********. she had lied about a lot of things. she had told me not to call and text that she was too busy and on to better things. She and her family were practically my whole world in college because i had only hung out with them.

The next 5 months were hell. we went back and forth between talking. she is my big sister in my sorority and we share a position in the sorority. we would ignore each other. i had lost my best friend, she wouldnt talk to me, listen and anytime we tried to talk we would fight - she would blame me. she would tell me about people she was hooking up with. tell me i was horrible for talking badly about her. (not true) turning every single thing around me. we would be okay for a few days (we would hook up/hang out - all completely secretly as i was forbidden to see her (my family eventually found out we were in a relatinship rather than just friends.) ) and then she would go back to screaming at me, verbally and emotionally abusing me every chance. she knew everything about me and knew every thing that would hurt me. i was terrified of being abandoned and she would continue to pick me back up and then drop me, just like a yo yo and i would fall for it.

6 months later, i am MUCH stronger. I have been through a lot of therapy, realized a lot of things, talked to a lot of people and had many opportunities to fix my mistakes. i was made to believe that i was crazy, unstable, the problem in the relationship, would never find love again and was always controlling/manipulative. a lot has changed though, i have made friends, joined organizations, changed my beliefs (sort of) and started becoming very close to my family. while my friend and i occasionally talk - a lot of things are still wrong. i am still blamed, i am still accused of outrageous things, if i don't answer her questions she gets mad, if i point out that she has done something wrong she freaks out completely. she cannot stand it if i go days without talking. she comes crawling back, saying she misses me and loves me so much - she craves and needs teh attention. she will show up on my doorstep, make plans and do whatever she can to get my attention. (even went as far as saying she wanted to die, cut herself) even though i see all that is wrong with her, i have this very weak soft spot. i am angry, hurt, emotionally unstable yet i can't let her go in order to completely better myself. i am angry enough to do so, yet can't seem to fight the feeling off of talking to her or engaging in conversation. i don't know what to do. she is blocked from contacting me via phone and fb. the only way we can talk is skype/e-mail. which we do frequently. i go back and forth between blocking and unblocking her. i don't know what to do. i know in order to truly get on with my life and get my life back, i have to cut all ties. but that scares me and i do still "love" her. she was my first everything and played such a huge role in my life. my counselors have said she has some major issues, like narcissistic personality disorder/borderline pd. I want to be friends, yet i am not ready to hear about all the guys she is seeing (which she loves to tell me about), i can't be supportive and we constantly fight because of the outrageous things she says. i know what i have to do but it's so hard. i know that there is good in this person because i have seen it she just isn't there right now but i am so tired of waiting for her to come back, i believe she is gone for good. i'm so tired of feeling this way. depressed, stressed, codependent, confused and hurt. she was so important to me, she was my best friend and we had imagined being close for ever.

that is my story, any advice would be much appreciated. i am so sorry its so long. i am struggling a little tonight. thank you for reading.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Mr09!

Originally Posted by mr09

i know in order to truly get on with my life and get my life back, i have to cut all ties.

If this is what you have decided is necessary, and it seems you have received excellent help in reaching that decision, then seek help in actualizing it. Yes, it will be extraordinarily difficult (for a time), and your personality and the enormity of the task may mean you will need assistance from family and others. You've already proven you can reach out for help; continue to do so to get through this crisis.

Also, feel free to continue to post as much as you need.

[Leed]

Hi --- I think you already know what you HAVE to do for your own sanity. You MUST break the tie with her --- break it for good, and get on with your life with people who don't drag you down in the pits of hell. That's what she does to you. She constantly berates you -- she does this on purpose so she can make you dependent on HER. She doesn't want you to be independent like you are (almost) now. She wants you to be totally needy for HER. You can't live a life like that. That is no life at all. She is a cunning, sly little brat.

Say goodbye to her. Tell her to quit playing her little mind games and go away. Of course she won't quit her little games, but you can make her go away. Just don't play the games WITH her. Don't fall for her tactics -- don't bite the bait. When she starts in on you, tell her to go away. Then go on about your business. You don't need her. Look for someone who DESERVES you. She doesn't. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[NuckingFutz]

People like your friend here suck up all your energy and they are expert at doing it. Sometimes it takes a lot of tries to actually accomplish something. But in the end, I think you will find that freedom.

You might want to read up on the NPD stuff, my mom has it and your gf and mom sound a lot alike.

Sending you safe cyber hugs and keep posting.

Remember babysteps and self care.