[jollybutdepressed]

it's 1am on my side, and I can't seem to fall asleep even though my body wants it.. I am somehow too wound up, but my body's saying "let's rest".. even my eyes are closing as we speak. Today was an ordinary Sunday, but I can't shake the feeling of being sad or depressed. I couldn't even concentrate on praying earlier in the church.. my mind was somewhere else. It's just January 10th, and I greet 2011 with depression?! What a way to start the year. I know it should not be a basis or something, I wanted this year to be MY year... to be the year that I get to be FREE if that's even possible... am not giving up hope on that one. While my dad was cleaning his table today, one of the helpers saw a note with my handwriting to my parents, and it was an apology letter I made for them which I never really gave, but my dad saw it and kept it. After the helper gave it to me, I read it and it brought tears to my eye, and after that, I BURNED it. I feel hopeless and unworthy, it's as if I am DOOMED to be this way, to be someone who is useless and just a nobody. I would often think, if I were to die, who would be sad and who would remember me? Hence the question I asked before whether or not I am memorable to forgettable. I may seem to be always happy and jolly, but deep inside, I am hurt and sad. Will things change for me? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel that I am something and someone worthy of anything? Will people remember me or will they forget about me? Will people just remember me at that moment, but forget me the next? Do I deserve to be happy? Will I ever stop feeling like a failure to this world and this family? If I were to be gone, who would remember me?! Who'd say oh her, I remember her, I miss her? Or would they just say, who's that? I don't remember her? Would they say, Finally she's gone? I know these thoughts are morbid, but it's what I am thinking and it's what I feel. Will my high school friends remember me? Will my college friends remember me? Will my family remember me, or just say finally we don't have a huge headache to think about anymore? When will I be happy? Will that ever happen? *sigh* what a way to think before sleeping... oh well....

[racee]

more people think about us than we realize and people remember us....i have had first hand eperience with that...you have helped more people i nlife than you will ever know. i know it's hard to imagine....but i think about all the people that i remember or even there are people that helped me out one time a stranger...but i will always remembr their name and face. they may or may not remember me..but they left an impact on my life.
If you have even just one person who knows you thats one more than someone who doesn't.
sorry you can't sleep....i tend to daydream before bed so i have an alternate reality to think of...it's my perfect world

[turquoisesea]

Hi there jollybutdepressed, I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. But do realize that this is depression talking and infiltrating into your thoughts, changing the way you see the world.

I don't know you or your family. But I sincerely doubt they would forget you or just think "we don't have a huge headache to think about anymore".

What defines your worth? Why do you feel so horrible about yourself? Perhaps you can talk some of these things out. Because I have the feeling that a lot of this is also tainted by depressed thinking.

Do you have a therapist? What are you doing to make your mood better?

Take care of you *hugs* and feel free to pm =)

[madisgram]

jolly/depressed i agree with the posts from others. when my depression hits everything is distorted. try to get busy doing something physical. it will quiet your mind. i find just staying in today helps too when my mind is ruminating. my T told me "life isn't bad or good, it just is." we're only 10 days into the new year. things are not constant, so yes you may have a wonderful year. just be kinder to yourself right now and know this too shall pass.
i'm glad u posted cause yes, you are a worthwhile person that has value in this world. you are here for a purpose. we're here to listen to you. getting it out here helps too.

[Rohag]

Hello, Jollybutdepressed!

Originally Posted by madisgram

getting it out here helps too.

This is also both my thought and question. Did writing out your thoughts as you did in your post help you get to sleep last night?

[jollybutdepressed]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Hi there jollybutdepressed, I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. But do realize that this is depression talking and infiltrating into your thoughts, changing the way you see the world.

I don't know you or your family. But I sincerely doubt they would forget you or just think "we don't have a huge headache to think about anymore".

What defines your worth? Why do you feel so horrible about yourself? Perhaps you can talk some of these things out. Because I have the feeling that a lot of this is also tainted by depressed thinking.

Do you have a therapist? What are you doing to make your mood better?

Take care of you *hugs* and feel free to pm =)

--- that's the sad part, i do not have a therapist, and I know that this is just depression talking.. *sigh* thanks for commenting :-)

[Bmee2]

Hi jollybutdepressed, can you really hear my thoughts in the Philippines? Wow i have the exact same thoughts all the time. i do not have many friends. i have maybe two. One is sick with lung cancer and the other one lives in another state. if i were to go away only the mother who i care for would miss me....well maybe my T would miss me.
i have not been here long enough to be missed here yet. i wish we both were not so sad today. i just remember the happy times i have had with friends and school. i have felt happy. So i can feel it again. Thus you can feel happy again too. the year just started. Give it a chance...the 2011 can still be all that you want it to be. Take is slowly...one day at a time. It is not a race. Plus i will remember you and i will miss you too.

[jollybutdepressed]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Jollybutdepressed!

This is also both my thought and question. Did writing out your thoughts as you did in your post help you get to sleep last night?

-- yes, it did help me get to sleep after letting this out.. thanks for asking

Depression is so difficult to deal with sometimes. If your having more bad days than good you might need an adjustment in medication. I'm always here if you need to talk

Hugs!!!!!

[hayward]

It has been my experience that everything sad gets so much worse at night. You are doing a lot of projecting about what may or may not happen. And obviously you are focusing on what other people may or may not be thinking about you.

The posts above are full of great advice. You are giving your sad thoughts way too much control of you. They don't deserve all of that attention!

Please know that I do understand the complexity of what you are saying, and I am not trying to minimize your feelings when I give you some suggestions.

-Maybe, during the daytime, you could keep some sort of a list or journal page. Whenever something good happens- be it a thought or action or feeling- write it down!! Then later when you are overwhelmed with the negative everything-is-wrong emotions, you can refer back to this list and show yourself that it just isn't true.

-Try getting some (or more) exercise during to help you sleep better at night.

-Spend some part of every day doing something for another person. Seriously, take some of your energy and focus it on someone or something else. It doesn't have to be a big thing.. just allow yourself to get out of your own head for a while! Enjoy the release of stress and enjoy the feelings of helping and or listening to someone else. It WILL make you fell better! The world is full of people needing assurance and assistance and friendship.. we are not alone in this.

-You are beating yourself up with things that haven't even happened yet. Think about that...Is that a good use of time? Does it make you feel any better? What DO you have control over?? A LOT! Maybe make another list of these things. I KNOW that you can do that. And then pick ONE thing that you can do right now to put yourself back in control, to take back your racing negative thoughts, even if just for a few minutes..