[findingmy_self95]

Lately, I have been.... thinking about SU. Its been almost a year exactly since I attempted it, and its running through my mind. Bad thoughts about why I should, nothing about why I shouldn't and its quite overwhelming, I decided to finally come out with it and get some help before I do something....

All I can think is that I've attempted SU before so Im going to hell no matter what, even though I dont believe in god, I believe in eternally damnation and I just might aswell speed up the process..... I feel so ******, and I know I propably shouldnt be writting about this on here....but I need advice terribly, Im seeing my sw tomorrow, but idk if I can tell her. I dont want to be hospitalized again, I just want to live or die.... I couldnt even tell m psychiatrist when I saw her.....

Help anyone?

[carrie-19]

hi (:
i know how you feel communicating such thoughts with your psychiatrist or T seems very difficult,its something i find a struggle. sometimes writing things down helps.maybe keep a diary and read over it ,this can help clarify emotions and thoughts or write down what you want to say on a bit of paper and bring it with you and read it out or give it to them.
you could talk about your different options maybe meds or more frequent appts?
youve posted your concerns here so your reaching out which is always the first step (:
*hugs*

[Rohag]

Hi, Brennan11007!

Originally Posted by Brennan11007

Its been almost a year exactly...

Hmmm... Does this have anything to do with it being January in Canada? What about two years ago at this season of the year -- how were you doing then? Apart from time and place, can you identify anything else that may have precipitated dark thinking this time around?

[wontgiveup]

"even though I dont believe in god, I believe in eternally damnation"

Hi Brennan, I was once where you are...those dark thoughts... If you would just think of this for a minute, the opposing powers of this universe, there is up and down, hot and cold, matter and antimatter, no matter where you look, there is the opposite of things. You believe in eternal damnation (darkness), if this realm exists, why is it so hard then to conceive the opposite... which is eternal light (God). I've batteled depression for decades, I've taken different medications over the years, gone to therapy...but it was my determination to build a relationship with God (over the past few years) that has enabled me to finally put depression under my feet. I pushed myself to believe God's word about me over any dark thoughts that I may have. The process was not easy but I am living proof that it can be done. I lost my brother to depression a couple years ago.... The tragic thing ......we were both suffering with depression at the same time and chose to keep our struggles to ourselves, both him and I did not know that the other was going through it. At times I get really angry at myself that I did not share what I was going through and how I was fighting it, maybe if I had shared how I was feeling at the time, my brother would still be alive today. I can't bring my brother back....but...I can still share how I defeated this demon, it is learning, knowing, and speaking God's word (over and over) against any lies that the enemy may try to plant in my head... Brennan, DON'T GIVE UP!!! FIGHT BACK....BELIEVE IN ETERNAL LIGHT!

[findingmy_self95]

My depression always seems to be at its worst around exactly this time of the year and the messed up thing is its my birthday this month, I should be happy...shouldnt i?

I dont know why I cant believe in eternal light. I just cant believe that there is any good in the world. The world seem so cruel and messed up, its hard to believe anyone can be truelly or even genuinly nice, no offense to those who are trying to help me, I realy do appreciate it.... its just everyone I know is suffering and it sucks a lot