[avirup2008]

I wish I could try and post something positive , or better yet, creative, when it comes to describing my problems. However, it is so bland and destructive, I don't know how to do it, so I will go ahead and blurt it out. Be warned, it is a long story though, so I apologize in advance, if I'm boring anyone

My life has always been a struggle where nothing has been handed out on a platter. Since childhood, the struggle began in terms of finances. My family used to have two cars and I remember being one of the richest kids in the school. Dad's business collapsed and his partners cheated him, putting him to ruins. He was literally jobless for seven years and we went through some of the hardest times ever. I remember one incident in particular where my family spent a week without power since we could not afford to pay the electricity bills at that time.

However, surprising as it may sound, those were the better times. I had friends and was one of the most popular guys in the class. That is till class 10. I moved to class 11 and 12 and had to change schools. It was then that the misery began. I was the new kid who tried to adjust but was mocked by everyone. The girl i loved heard a false rumor about what I said and did not speak to me for the entire two years.

I focused on my studies and managed to get around 86 percent in my boards. It was less than my previous class 10 results of 90 percent but still ok-ish considering all the problems I had. My brilliant cousin scored 92 percent and I had to endure taunts and scoldings from all my relatives, including my entire family. I literally cried all the time without showing anyone.

I appeared for competitive exams and didn't do that well the first time so both me and my cousin dropped a year. Second year , I ranked in the top 6000 (around 2+ lakh people gave the exam) but my cousin ranked in the top 500 and got the best engineering institute. Once again, taunts and comparisons from everyone, scarring me from inside.

I had a very good friend who I had met online but had become quite close. I helped her through all her problems and even prevented her from committing suicide. However, she chose to believe some lies about me and stopped talking to me, showering me with abuses.

I got into an engineering college, one of the top rated ones. In my first year, I helped a girl get through a breakup. She proposed to me and I accepted. Two months later, I found out that she was cheating on me and we parted. I also had a nice group of friends who slowly started to fade. I soon became friends with the girl voted the prettiest fresher in college by the most unusual means (Harry Potter discussions!). She had an abusive boyfriend who made her cry every day. I devoted six months of my life to pulling her out and making her smile again. We were the closest of friends and she knew I loved her. That is where the trouble began.

I introduced her to a friend in her section (she was in computer science, I was in information technology). I felt I could trust the guy because he had feelings for a girl in our section. He used me as a springboard, spread lies about me when I was not there and then destroyed our friendship. Soon he proposed to her and she accepted. He turned out to be equally abusive( he even hit her a couple of times!!!) and she moved on. Now she is well and happy with a decent guy and I'm just a part of the darkness.

For two years I battled depression, enclosing myself in the world of dark movies and poems, blogs and self written short stories. I literally had no friends left when I was introduced online to a girl with whom I had a common friend. She seemed perfect and I finally had a reason to smile. I helped her get through her problems and proposed to her. She said YES!

For six months, my life was on clouds. I had the most beautiful and amazing girl by my side. However, I made some minor mistakes and she broke up. After a month of tears and pleading, she gave me a second chance. This time I tried harder and harder, but she seemed disinterested. I did make one personal mistake (sorry I cannot disclose it here) but I changed all my traits to suit her. Finally, on September last year, I gave her a call and said "Let's discuss our problems and sort things out because I cannot live without you". She listened to it and said "If you ask me we should move on but you can take any decision and I would stick to it."

I was shattered but said "Let's hold on because I know we can make things work." She said "Fine, give me the night to sleep on it, I will be all right in the morning" Next morning, she broke up with me.

It's been like that since then. I do not blame her because I made mistakes but even she knows no one can love her like I do. I wrote a book of 100 poems, printed it, made a collage of our pictures on the front page, got it bound and gifted it to her. She read a few, then gave it to her cousin's bf to keep because she said it was too "painful" to read.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have been crying in secret almost everyday without showing anyone. On the last day of 2010, I got the result of my job interview and found out I have been placed in Tata Consultancy Services(TCS), the biggest IT company in Asia. My cousin bagged an international company in his institutions so again comparisons. Everyone celebrated that night when they got their jobs, I cried because a few months before I had spoken to my best friend about getting a good job so that I can ask for her hand in marriage from her mom.

Everything seems shattered. I am back to darkness, watching dark movies and writing poems for her on the blog. I feel hopeless and without any energy. All I wanted to do was help people and I kept getting hurt in my life.

Sometimes, I feel like ending things once and for all but I have responsibilities and obligations that I have to fulfill. Right now, I struggle to survive each day and see nothing but darkness in my future.

Sorry that this turned out to be so huge, but I had to get a lot off my chest! I just feel so alone, hurt and depressed all the time.

[Pucca]

Stay away from girls you have to fix or help them with their problems. Stay away. Most of your problems seem to stem from helping some girl and then having her leave you for someone else. There is this movie called The Last American Virgin. In it a guy is totally in love with the girl that his friend is dating. His friend (who is of course a total jerk) gets her pregnant and leaves her. The guy helps her through all her problems. He is kind to her, respects her, etc. At the end of that movie, she goes back to the jerk.
Girls like that will always do that.

I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to just focus on yourself. Learn to be comfortable with yourself without feeling the need to be with someone all the time. Stop comparing yourself with other people. Meet a healthy girl that doesn't need to be fixed. It will happen if you surround yourself with positive people and not those that are miserable all the time.

[GRUMPYPA]

You sound like a great and caring person so you should not be so hard on yourself. I had this happen to me helping people out only to be stabbed in the back when they got back on there feet. (i wasnt closely involved like you) I have now found just too look after number 1 yourself I know it sounds harsh but its the only way to do it. When your properly back on your feet you WILL find someone. All the best to you and believe it or not it will work out.

[MissingMyOldSelf]

I totally agree with Pucca--- stay away from women with problems. When you start to help them, they start to look at you as a "brother" type figure, and they don't want to have any type of relationship past that.

You really do need to spend time focusing on YOU. If you need to cry, let it out!! It's a good, and healthy thing to cry, and everyone should do a good cry every once in a while... but don't dwell on the things that have been negative in your life. Even though when you spoke of your family when you were younger and how you made the best out of a bad situation, you should try to do that now. Look back and say how you've learned from your past relationships, and move on.

Best of luck to you, especially in your new job!!!

[avirup2008]

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. I am trying to stay away from relationships altogether although I doubt I could stop helping people when they ask/need it. It has just become part of my nature but I am learning to control expectations and just make sure that I do not get hurt anymore.

[Pucca]

Originally Posted by avirup2008

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. I am trying to stay away from relationships altogether although I doubt I could stop helping people when they ask/need it. It has just become part of my nature but I am learning to control expectations and just make sure that I do not get hurt anymore.

Helping people is wonderful, but I do agree with you that you need to control your expectations. You seem like a very caring person and that's not a bad thing. Concentrate on helping yourself too. I do wish you the best of luck.

[nice girl]

I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through....
I'm sure helping people is a great thing..
And u seem to be a really nice guy..
And i really admire u for being of such a good helping nature..
Just don't expect any thing from those whom u help..
Things will be fine.. let others help u out sometimes too..
ok.. u write poems.. that's so good to hear.. u can write poems in the creative forum here..
I will be looking forward to read ur poems.. tkcr.. god bless

[avirup2008]

Thanks everyone for making me feel better. Means a lot

[Distressed2010]

Hey, thanks for posting your thoughts to my thread. Just read yours, I can understand what you're going through, I've been through the depression and maybe still am coping, don't know since I can't find help in India that I actually like and feel comfortable with...

From what you just wrote, I feel like there's a pattern where you're helping girls come out of their sad events and I wonder if you're hoping that by doing this, you're being their strong shoulder in the sense that they'd start falling for you?
Or maybe you just don't like seeing others down, not sure which one it is..?

All I can say is that you'll need to learn to love yourself first, and I know this is really really hard and it takes effort.

And whereas the dark is concerned, remember there's always light after the tunnel... And you can take darkness as a good sign, in the sense that light is approaching, since darkness is always followed by bright light.. I hope I'm making sense.

Message me if you need to talk

[avirup2008]

Well no, I am not just helping girls in need hoping they would fall for me

I genuinely cannot see others down and I have done this for a lot of people. I mentioned that friends also left me despite all my help, so the common pattern seems to me the loneliness.

I am trying my best to come out of things, let me see what happens.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by avirup2008

Well no, I am not just helping girls in need hoping they would fall for me

I genuinely cannot see others down and I have done this for a lot of people. I mentioned that friends also left me despite all my help, so the common pattern seems to me the loneliness.

I am trying my best to come out of things, let me see what happens.

Okay, gotchya. well, thats a good thing that you help others, shows that you're a very caring person and thats nice. But I do feel like for now, you should focus on yourself first, then others...

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. You can message me and share your thoughts.

[avirup2008]

Thanks for understanding. I will surely message you once I'm feeling low

[nice girl]

Things will be fine i'm sure.. meeting the wrong people in ur life made u go through soo much.. but as distressed here said there is light after a dark tunnel.. i wish u a better life.. tkcr..

[avirup2008]

Thanks. I am sure we can help each other out