[alishak]

Hello, this might sound all over the place. but that's kind of where I am in my life. currently I don t have insurance and cannot afford to go to therapy. I haven't tried to find free/low cost. Aside from the fact that I have so much anxiety about even going. I just want to talk to other people who might be able to relate. I am always depressed, was on meds, only two kinds. neither worked out. I am married and have a 2 year old son who I love will all my heart. I want to be the best mom/person I can. I feel like a complete failure, and at the same time I feel like I cant/don't want to do anything about it. Im a stay at home mom, im alone all the time. Me and my husband don't talk, touch, go out, nothing. Its heartbreaking. It wasn't like that in the beginning, although it never is is it? I have a deep need to feel loved, and for someone to find me attractive, and want me. I have never really had a job, so that in of itself makes me feel like a piece of crap, I think about going to work, to be idependant, to feel like im useful, to feel like a person. But obiously its completely terrifying. Im overweight that's an issue, its such an issue that I don't leave the house, even to see family. ive become completely a prisoner to my home. and I know its my fault. I don't know what to do anymore. I know this is not me, when I was younger I had so much more confidence in myself. and, again with my husband for a long while. I don't love myself at all. and its a huge problem. I have so many feelings not of suicide, but of just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up, ive always felt that way my whole life. its just to much to take. I know it goes back to my childhood too. but there is nothing I can do about that. Now,.... with these feelings and my husband, upon repeated attempts, of communicating with him my feelings. yes my true feelings as I type to you, and no response. I have feelings of wanting to cheat (because of feeling so unwanted from him, and having a need to feel wanted because I dont love myself), run away. as much as I hate to say it, sometimes I want to run even from my son. and that makes me feel so terrible. how could I think that? I have no friends, only my son. my husband just is there, always either upsetting me, or ignoring me. .... I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I want just to be happy, and im so sick of just freakin being in so much emotional pain every day. I don't even want to try to change if im being honest. and its because every moment is a struggle, every breath I take. I just cant put any more effort into anything. I know no one can tell me what to do or fix me. but I needed to vent as I have no one. thank you for listening.

[healingme4me]

Even if you had insurance, would your husband even give you space to go? It's not uncommon to become severely depressed when isolated and the only person you have is a two year old. Because frankly your husband sounds tuned out. Doesn't he even bring home flowers or plan date nights? Sure, children are life changing, but the marriage came first...



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[alishak]

he doesn restrict me from going. but he definatly doesnt support it. and no he doesnt do anything romantic towards me even if I come on to him. he doesnt even talk to me. I wish I had the strength to be completely independant, and could support me and my son. sometimes I think being alone might be good for me so that I can learn to love myself and not feel the need for someone else to have to love me. because im already depressed enough on my own ,it makes it so much worse when he acts like im nothing.

((((((((alishak))))))))))

i'm sorry you're suffering so much. depression is so cruel.

[Fuzzybear]