[belownormal]

Hi, my name is Krista, i'm 21 and I live in Oregon.To put it simply, this is what im dealing with at this very instant. I have struggled with depression for such a long time it seems to be normal now. I wear bright clothes and have bright hair and people still see how sad I am. I dont share many things with people because I think so much that no one really understands. Everyday I'm always in my own head. All thats been on my head lately is :
Money-not making enough, dont have enough
School-dropped out and I feel like a failure. I want to go back but I'm just so tired from stress I dont think I can do it.
Weight-I've always been thick, but being 5'7 and 165 lbs is not a party. I feel ugly all the time, and unwanted.
Family- My 11 yr old little sister has brain tumors, and as a result was recently paralyzed.
Car- Totaled my last one when I was crashed into in Compton, CA for being white. (mind you i was passing through trying to find a drunk friend who called for help) and have been on public transit for a year and 2 months now which is super fun in Portland, OR.
Work-I should be thankful for having one, but having my employee tell me he will be rude to me until I hate him as much as he hates me. and several others who I constantly have to babysit.
Health-I was hospitalized last week for vomiting up blood for 4 hours. yay. 1,300 dollars later they still dont know whats wrong with me.

Im just so stressed I dont know what to do. Ending it seems to be the only way. I wont. But I want to. I just want to crawl into a deep deep deep dark hole and die. Please help, what do I do?

Hello, belownormal. Why do you put up with a rude employee? There is no easy answer. Is professional help an option for you?

[Leed]

Hi Below ~ I'm like you ~ I've been depressed since I was a child -- and I'm 61 yrs old now. I do take medication and have been in and out of therapy all my adult life.

You said you're always "in your head." I learned a long time ago, that I shouldn't go in my head -- it's a bad neighborhood, and I should NEVER go in there alone. It's just too dangerous!! The only time I should go in there is with a therapist!!

Just because you dropped out of school doesn't make you a failure. If that were true, then EVERYONE who ever dropped out would be failures, right? You are NOT a failure just because of that. You can go back any old time you want to.

As for your weight ~ honey, we are NOT defined by our weight. We are GREAT people regardless of how much we weigh. Stop and think of the great people we know who are NOT the image of a model. There are MANY who have a 'gut' on them. I'm overweight too -- and maybe I'm not GREAT - but I'm not BAD either.

As far as your car ~ it's just a 'thing.' So what if it got crinkled? Big deal! At least YOU weren't hurt! Count your blessings! Portland is a wonderful city -- thank goodness they have public transit system.

And that employee?? I'd tell him he'd better walk the straight & narrow or he's gonna get CANNED! And anyone you have to babysit - put them on probation and can the ones that don't measure up!

Your health? I wonder if you have bleeding ulcers? Did they put a scope down into your stomach??

Talk to your doctor about the stress and anxiety. He can help you with that. Make sure you tell him how severe it is. With vomiting blood, and being so stressed, I would think he'd put you on an anti-anxiety medication NOW. Talk to him about it. Try not to take your work home with you. I know that's hard to do, but try. God bless you dearheart. Life is too short for you to be so stressed & upset. Hugs, Lee

Hello Belownormal,
Im so sorry that you feel like this
And no you are not belownormal not even normal, no you are Special.
Special to the world special to everyone around you
Be safe and hang in there

[2MuchCoffee]

Money-not making enough, dont have enough
Not many of us do, Krista. Sorry, but join the club.

School-dropped out and I feel like a failure. I want to go back but I'm just so tired from stress I dont think I can do it.
I know what that feels like, personally. But don't put more pressure on yourself right now, you need to get healthy. Slow down, be patient with yourself. You're still young and you have plenty of time to get school finished. Besides, you can't finish it if you're sick and vomiting, right?

Weight-I've always been thick, but being 5'7 and 165 lbs is not a party. I feel ugly all the time, and unwanted.
I also know what this feels like, completely. Add 100 lbs to that and think about how much worse it could be. Sheesh, I'm only an inch taller than you and 165 is my ultimate goal weight right now. Again, you have to stop pressuring yourself so much to be perfect. I'll bet you are beautiful. And, hey, personal experience here - There are a LOT of men out there who like a healthy woman and find a couple extra curves very sexy. Since I became single, I've had no shortage of dates and I have a steady guy right now who loves me just as I am.

Family- My 11 yr old little sister has brain tumors, and as a result was recently paralyzed.
I'm so sorry for your sister and your whole family. I don't know what this feels like, can only imagine. But I'll bet you're a great big sister. Just don't take on too much of the weight of this. All you can do is be there for her and your family, love on them, but don't try to carry them.

Car- Totaled my last one when I was crashed into in Compton, CA for being white. (mind you i was passing through trying to find a drunk friend who called for help) and have been on public transit for a year and 2 months now which is super fun in Portland, OR.
Ugh. That sucks. But try to see the bright side - you weren't shot or beaten for being white, you have a chance to walk a bit more, maybe lose some of the weight you're unhappy with, you're saving money for sure because gas prices are !

Work-I should be thankful for having one, but having my employee tell me he will be rude to me until I hate him as much as he hates me. and several others who I constantly have to babysit.
I have to agree with Leed on this one. You must not tolerate anyone creating a hostile work environment. Fire him if you have the authority, or at least write him up and then document every time he says/does something hostile like this. It won't be long and you'll have enough to file a complaint and/or can his *****.

Health-I was hospitalized last week for vomiting up blood for 4 hours. yay. 1,300 dollars later they still dont know whats wrong with me.
I'm no doctor but this seems like at least major stress and depression. You sound a lot like me, actually. You expect a lot of yourself, maybe even a bit perfectionist...? People like us are easily overwhelmed with the pressures of life. More often then not, this kind of stress manifests physically and left unchecked it can cause major health problems. Something has to give here, you must take a step or two back and re-evaluate what's going on in your life. Talk to your doctor, if you're not on anti-depressant meds you might need to be.

Im just so stressed I dont know what to do. Ending it seems to be the only way.
It's not the only way and you know that. That's why you're posting here right now. You know there are SO many others who know what you're going through, have been there and can support you.

I wont. But I want to. I just want to crawl into a deep deep deep dark hole and die. Please help, what do I do?
You're damn right you won't because you have a divine purpose on this Earth and a family who needs you to be here and healthy. I've had these thoughts myself recently and what wipes them completely from my mind is my kids - they depend on me and love me too much. I could never take their mom from them.

Please help, what do I do?
Reach out to a friend or someone else you trust, if nothing else just ask them to support you by being there to listen for a few minutes. If you have a religion or faith - go to church and find someone there who could listen to you, pray with you. Definitely, talk to your doctor and find a therapist who can help you sort through all these pressures you're feeling, help you lighten the load of these burdens you're carrying and coach you in how to manage things so you can be healthy, physically and emotionally.

I hope I haven't said too much or been too blunt with you. But I feel like I can identify with you and that we may be similar creatures. I haven't said anything to you that I wouldn't say to myself. If you don't have a friend to talk with, I'd be happy to email or chat with you.

Hang in there and keep reaching out.