[justfloating]

My parents call me every Sunday afternoon. Although we don't talk much about my depression, I do keep them updated about the medical side of things, like if I've switched meds. I don't generally tell them anything about the emotional side of my depression because I don't want them to worry, and because my dad has a very hard time discussing emotions so the conversation doesn't stick to anybody's feelings for very long. As far as my depression goes they've always tried to be supportive, which I know is hard for my dad in particular because before my diagnosis he didn't "believe" in psychology and has since re-educated himself for my sake, which I appreciate.

So all in all, my family's handling of my depression has been mostly positive. But today when I told my parents that the pdoc had put me on lithium in addition to my regular antidepressant, my mom said, "You've gone through a lot of different meds lately. Don't you think that's a bit much?" I know that lithium occasionally gets a bad name, and I also know that it's more commonly associated with bipolar disorder so I can see why my parents were concerned, but it was my mother's tone that really bothered me. No, I don't think it's "a bit much". It's necessary, and I trust my doctor's judgment. At this point I am convinced that medication, along with counseling, is what is going to keep me alive. I have not been this low in a long, long time, and I haven't been this scared of my lowness either. I certainly haven't functioned properly in months. I'm not on medication because it's some kind of "fad" or fun. My dad also said to make sure the medication wasn't affecting my school work (which is THE most important thing to him), and the way he said it he may as well have been warning me not to let tv-watching get in the way of my homework. I don't think they totally get it. Without the medication, I wouldn't be capable of doing my homework. What's funny (in a sick kind of way) is that I'm pretty convinced that school is at the root of my depression, and that if it weren't for school my mental health would be a lot better off.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this. Probably nothing. We're not very good at sharing our feelings in my family, especially not over the phone, and it would take a lot for me to explain how I've been feeling. The reason I keep my mouth shut is mostly because I don't want to worry them. My parents tend to fret, and when they fret their anxiety transfers over to me and I don't have it in me to take on their anxiety on top of my own. I think part of their surprise that I had changed meds yet again was because I don't tell them when I'm feeling low, or I brush it off and make it out to be not that bad. I guess it just bothers me that the first thing they wanted to know was whether my school work had been affected. Neither of them asked whether the new meds were helping. Neither of them has asked since my diagnosis whether I'm actually happy, only if I'm being successful.

I'm so tired of this. I can't wait to graduate. I have this vision of myself handing them my diploma and saying, "All right, I did this for you, now please let me get on with my life."

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ I think that's the ignorance of their generation of drugs. They don't know that drugs can make all the difference in the world in our mental health. In their generation, they just "sucked it up" and went on with things. Well, things are different now, and people are different. We've evolved differently, and who knows what all the chemicals, etc., have done to our systems ~~ our mental health might be affected by all sorts of things.

I know that my parents never talked about ANYONE in their families having any mental health problems. None of their friends were mentioned either. So here I come with severe depression and have to take drugs for it ~ I'm sure they thought I must have been put here by aliens or something.

Try not to let it bother you -- I know it's easier said than done -- but YOU know that your medications are needed and they are legal. LOL You know that they are doing you some good and that you trust your doctor. When it all comes down to it, it doesn't matter one bit what they think -- you still have to take them. Sure, you would like their support ~ but if they cannot or won't give it, well that's THEIR loss. You are doing what is the RIGHT THING for you. Be proud of that!!
Maybe someday you can make them understand ~ but until then, just don't worry about it. You have enough on your plate already.

God bless you and good luck in your studies. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm so tired of this. I can't wait to graduate. I have this vision of myself handing them my diploma and saying, "All right, I did this for you, now please let me get on with my life."

Sounds viable to me.

(((Rebecca)))
I can relate. My dad doesn't do feelings well either so I make myself sound as "fine" as possible when I talk to him. Now the last time we talked he wants to know what is keeping me out of work for so long. I certainly can't tell my mom. She just stops listening and starts telling me how bad in her own life is. Or her favortie one, that pills are a "crutch." Some of the things your parents said just sort of blow my mind. Like they want you to decide what medications to take vs. your doctor? Or that your dad seems to think depression is a little fun diversion from studying?? Sorry. I guess I am getting riled up too.
I wish I knew the right thing to say.
What I want to say is trust yourself. Only you and your doctors know what is best. You made your weekly call and that is maybe the best you can do. They are lucky to get the call.
Thinking of you. E

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

Neither of them has asked since my diagnosis whether I'm actually happy, only if I'm being successful.

That hurt. I felt the hurt through your post. I'm sorry.

[HalfSwede]

Rebecca
I'd say the most important thing is that you've taken control of your own mental health care. I wish your parents could be more on board with it, but if they're like mine and Leed's, they're of the "suck it up" generation. My dad could benefit hugely from talking to someone, but he can easily revert to basically being angry and drinking instead.

As far as the meds go, I guess some people find one that works and stay with it for a long time, but I don't think it's unusual to try a bunch of different ones until you find the right combo. I'm probably more in the latter camp. I don't think it's "a bit much" either.

School's obviously important, but you can't do well if you don't feel good. You can drag yourself to class, like I've done, but I don't want to do that forever. At some point, I want to look forward to it, and not feel nervous about it all the time. The stress isn't going to go away. I guess we just have to figure out how to handle it. The nature of school, and work, is that you're doing stuff you've never done before. If you had, it would be no problem, but then you wouldn't learn anything. Every assignment I have, even just reading something, makes me go, "AAAAHHH! How the hell do I do this?"

I don't know if that sounds familiar to you or not. I don't want to ramble too much. Just hoping you feel better.