[whenwillitend]

Okay, this is going to be long, with several triggers in it. Please bare with me.

So, Saturday night before Mother's Day I was extremely suicidal. After getting some good advice from some chatmembers here I took my kids to an emergency childcare place, which would keep them for up to 72 hours, and then drove myself to the ER. They of course admitted me. I got to the psych hospital early Sunday morning. I told them I was still suicidal. By afternoon it was so bad that I tried to kill myself right there in my room. They found me, and put me on a one-to-one, where I had a nurse follow me around at all times. Monday I wasn't feeling suicidal anymore, but still very depressed and stressed, since the 72 hours at the childcare place were up Tuesday evening, and I had noone to take the kids. The childcare place said if nobody picked up the kids Tuesday by 6pm, they'd get turned over to DHS. I freaked out.

So, Monday evening I called DHS to find out what would happen in that case. They told me that if they had to take the kids that way, they would go into foster care and it would take a loooong time and several court hearings for me to get them back. BUT, if I signed some papers for a voluntary temporary placement, then I would get the kids back as soon as I got out, no problems whatsoever. I asked them that several times, making sure that there would be no problems. So I told them that I wanted to do that, since I had no other choice. They sent over a caseworker. The caseworker then said that because of all my hospitalizations they couldn't/wouldn't do the voluntary temporary placement, and that they were taking the kids. I was absolutely devestated. So that evening, after crying for a few hours, I finally started banging my head on the wall. They didn't like that. The next day, I was transported to the State Hospital. NOT a place you want to be.

I got to the State Hospital Wednesday night, and I was scared to death. I had heard so many horrible things about that place. And they seemed to be true. By then, my husband was on his way home from Afghanistan to help me take care of this mess. He came home Saturday night. Today is Tuesday, and I came home this morning. I had a court hearing last Friday, over the phone, since I was still inpatient. They gave me an attorney, and a new court date for next monday. My husband and I met with our DHS caseworker this morning, and set up a plan on who's going to take care of the kids if something happens again. Then she returned the kids to us. It was a VERY happy reunion!

So for now, my husband is not allowed to leave me alone with the kids (as if I could/would EVER hurt my kids!!!), and we still need to talk to the kids' attorney to see what she wants us to do. And then we have court next monday, and the caseworker said after that the case should be closed and they're out of our lives.

So, after all this I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to the hospital, unless my husband is here. But he has to go back in two weeks, and I'll be alone again.

I'm exhausted from all this mess. But I'm glad to be home, WITH my kids!

[Yoda]

You have been through a lot. I am glad the kids are with you. Gosh what do they expect you to do if you have to be hospitalized emergently? That sounds tough. Does the social worker have any suggestions on what to do differently if you need to go back in again and your husband is unavailable?

[mgran]

Oh good Lord, what a horrible experience to have endured! I can't imagine how terrifying it must have been, to be threatened with the loss of your kids. Can't your husband be granted compassionate leave? I gather that you don't have close family living nearby to help with your childcare options?

How are you feeling now?

[Rohag]

I'm so sorry. For fear of losing your children, you can't benefit from hospitalization, you can't destress in the hospital.

As messy as this was and is, I'm glad you're here to tell the story.

How to handle this situation?

[Earl Sweatshirt]

Jeez, honestly I feel for you right now. They don't trust you with the kids because you feel suicidal, but YOU know that you would never hurt them. Very distressing situation to be in for sure.

I will say that you did the right thing by getting yourself admitted; at least you're STILL HERE to be with your kids. It's tough because you're trying to manage your suicidal thinking and you all of a sudden get some court/legal BS slapped on top of it all. I know it's tough, but the best thing you can do right now is take 100% responsibility for your situation and try to get things back on track the way you want them to be.

You're in a really difficult situation and it's important to share your feelings, so this forum is the perfect place for it. Please continue letting us know what's up and hopefully you get back on track.

*Big bear hug for you* Hopefully you get everything straightened out!

[pgrundy]

Wow, what an agonizing few days.

I know you would never hurt your kids. We all know that. But what I'm hearing is that you have nowhere near the kind of support you need to get well, and kids are hard to care for even when we ARE well.

I'm concerned for YOU. It sounds like you didn't get much (if any) help in the hospital and now you are back out with even more stress. Someone needs to help you get on some kind of healing path.

Thank you for sharing your story honestly. It means a lot to me and I'm sure to many other people here.

[googley]

I'm so sorry this happened. It seems like the social services people discriminated against you. Would they take children away from someone who had a physical illness that required them to be in the hospital. This just makes me sick hearing how you were treated. I'm so so so sorry this happened. I would complain to someone in charge about how you were treated. That is not acceptable. So many hugs for you and your kids and your husband.

[Taonuviel]

(Assuming your husband is in the military) Have you checked into any services that might be available for families while a spouse/parent is overseas? Maybe something on these sites could be helpful...
http://www.militaryfamily.org/
http://www.military.com/benefits/res...pport-services
http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil/
http://www.militaryonesource.com/
http://www.emilitary.org/
http://www.behavioralhealth.army.mil/
http://www.samhsa.gov/militaryfamilies/
http://www.sofarusa.org/useful_links.html
http://info.nmfa.org/dir/

[online user]

So glad you are home again with your kids and have hubby home too. Do know we all care about you and are pulling for you to get better and deal with everything that has been thrown at you. Hope there was some benefit to the time you spent in the hospital. At least, got hubby home and the family together? My very best to you!

[AvidReader]

Wow, whenwillitend, you have indeed been through hell. Kudos to you for seeking help when you need it -- that's never easy -- and my heart breaks thinking of how distressing it must have been to fight to get your kids back. I think mgran and some others have made great suggestions -- is there in fact any way your husband could be granted some sort of leave? In this situation it certainly seems justified.

I've been thinking about you and hoping you've been hanging in there. Good luck with everything, and please do keep us posted.

[whenwillitend]

Thank you all! My husband has to go back in two weeks, or he'll lose his job. (He's retired military, works overseas as a contractor.) We can't have that.
I do feel better now, and it's really good to know that if this ever happens again, the kids will be taken care of (by our neighbors). That's a HUGE relief.

What I figured out is that in order for me to stay well, I need to take better care of myself. I need to make sure to do something fun for myself, no matter how small or short, EVERY DAY. I can't just take care of everyone and everything else, and totally ignore myself. That's not working. I have a lot of plans, that I want to implement one by one, to improve my life and that of my kids. I'm very excited about all that.

I"m just happy to have my kids back. My two year old, when they came home, he just threw his arms around my shoulders, put his head on my shoulder, wrapped his legs around my waist, held on really tight, and wouldn't let go for a good 30 minutes. It was so sweet. My 8 year old, who deals with things like this better, just gave me a big hug and went off to play.

[AvidReader]

I'm so happy for you, whenwillitend! It's so tough as a mom to find the time and motivation for things that make YOU feel good, but as you know, it's so crucial.

I got choked up at your post, I think because I can identify very strongly with your situation.

I really am happy that you have gotten some help and that you are feeling better!

[jack123]

I am glad that you are still here to be with your children. You have been through a lot. Continue to seek out the help you need so that you can stay healthy. I am lucky I always had someone to take care of my son when was I hospitalized. Cant imagine what I would have done if someone had taken him from me. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry for everything you went through with in the beginning, sounds like you have a good plan in place now. You did the right thing in getting help for yourself!

[Uprwestsdr]

Oh my god what a harrowing story! You mustered a lot of bravery to keep it all together. Thank God your husband came home. Do you have plans on what to do if it happens again?

[buttrfli42481]

Glad that you and your whole family are reunited for at least a little bit. That is great that your neighbors are so willing to keep your kiddos in order for you to get some more help if need be. I hope that you won't have to have your neighbors keep the kiddos. Remeber too that we are here to help with the little stuff, like reminding you to do something nice for yourself everyday. That is something that I have trouble with, because I tend to look after everyone else's needs first. You are an important, worthwhile person, don't ever forget that.

[littlebitlost]

I feel for you. I'm a mum too, and I'm pretty sure that nobody in my support network knows just how bad I'm feeling lately. :/

You did the right thing, and I think the whole kid drama thing is in case you off yourself and the kids find you. Because as said, far more eloquently than I, above, looking after kids is tough when you feel fine. Let alone when you don't.

I'm glad you're ok and accessed some help.

xxxxx