[turquoisesea]

So I have not been posting here as much, I generally have been doing better overall and would read more than post. So if you don't know me, I'm 23 year old female doing a music performance degree, living with my boyfriend in an apartment.

I'm going through another rough spot. Thing is... you're not supposed to make decisions when you're affected by depression. I was in a depressed slump for 2 years or so, and looking back people are saying that's when I should have made the decision to not finish my degree and switch majors if that's what I wanted. Then there have been patches here and there... when I feel depressed I often want to stop this degree.

Right now I hate it I don't want to continue even though I have only one semester left. I feel like it's wasting my life and there's no purpose and I'm pathetic especially because of the 1.5 year period I was forced on medical leave for depression. So even if I graduate I'm substandard (even though I've gotten awards and stuff on the way).



When can I make the decision if it's so constant, if I'm always coping... I want out, I don't know how to have fun at all, I don't know what I want to do with my life but I do know I want to be stable financially


No energy. Sad. Want to do something because I'm bored but no energy or will to get out - what would I do out there any way? No friends (that I am able to call) and alone


thanks for reading

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I feel like it's wasting my life...

This is the kind of thing that keeps exercising my mind. I'm chronically depressed, but for years I kept pushing myself assuming and/or hoping the depression would lift. In hindsight I wonder if it would have been better for me to regard the depression as a true chronic condition and readjust my course accordingly. All I've got now is speculation.

I wish vocational counselors specializing in depressives were available to me years ago.

Turquoisesea, I don't trust myself to advise you. I imagine that, at this point, finishing your degree is best. Nevertheless, you are correct; considering where you go from here/there is essential to your future sanity and happiness. I hope you can find good counsel.

[madisgram]

oh turq, sorry you are feeling so down and hard on yourself. sometimes when i'm so depressed, other than calling my pdoc and T, i ride it out. easier said than done in your case.
a thought-why not just decide to get your degree since you only have one semester left. or can you afford and are willing to start classes in another degree? you are young so it's possible there's no need to rush.
from what i'm reading my guess is that you need to get this depression sorted out before u make a decision. even if you take a semester off.
a thought-your pdoc can adjust your meds and hopefully in 30 days on them, your perspective may change if the depression is lifted. it is so hard to be able to concentrate or trust our instincts when we are depressed.
"I feel like it's wasting my life and there's no purpose and I'm pathetic especially because of the 1.5 year period I was forced on medical leave for depression. So even if I graduate I'm substandard."
this your depression "talking". it can sabotage any decisions u may make. it saps our mental energy cause we're just "trying to breathe air" as i describe it. and sounds like to me you're absolutely not substandard.taking the medical leave was the healthiest decision you could have made, imo. had u not done that consider if you would have gotten almost thru school as u have done now.
a thought-if you go ahead and finish out in the current major you can always consider grad school, taking any courses required to satisfy another field.
hope you will seek help-most of us with depression can't deal with alone. i got help and resumed my corporate career being very successful and making more money than i needed...and i like financial security too. hugs, turq.

Hiya,

I wanted to chime in and let you know I read your post and care. I can't advise you what to do but I can tell you if it were me I would finish the degree and then possibly start a new one. You are so young you have the time ahead of you. I'm 30 and still working on my first degree so you have plenty of time.

Whatever you do make sure to take care of your mental health first. Without my mental health I know I am lost. So first things first.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[garden gal]

TurquoiseSea,
I agree with madisgram, when you feel like you are "substandard," that is your depression talking. You have persevered through much of your degree program, even receiving awards along the way. You have survived your depression, and maintained a relationship. I know that in depression, it can be so hard to give yourself credit for your accomplishments. But just from that little bit of your story you included in this post, it is clear to me that you are accomplishing many important things.

I was also a music major at a conservatory... that was before my depression, but I was very anxious and not very grounded in myself at the time. Music performance is a hard field to be in when one has anxiety/depression issues... and yet it sometimes was an area of my life where I was able to feel really good about myself. I think there was something also soul-feeding about nurturing my creativity in that way. I'm speaking of this in the past tense because I'm not playing music much anymore. I did end up switching majors toward the end of my program and graduating with a degree in something else. At the time, it seemed like the best decision, yet I have also sometimes wondered, what if I had finished my music degree and stayed on that path?
I don't know where your journey will lead you, but I wish you well as you discern what choices to make. Be kind to yourself.

peace,
Garden Gal

[online user]

Just some thoughts....I was in college in education, decided I didn't want to teach, took some time off from the degree, got married, and put hubby #1 thru law school. Started going back to finish a degree, any degree, just to have a degree, while I was doing that. Finally finished college on my 30th birthday, the graduation was, and my baby sis who had finished in 3 years with all kinds of accolades including being named one of the top 50 women in a Big Ten college with 40,000 students! So I did the graduation ceremony, cap & gown & all, since I had to be there for her anyway. It was a very emotional day for me. Having the actual sheepskin, even if it was just in the easiest thing to finsh, was important to me. By that time, I had a college-level job with General Motors. GM put me thru MBA school, too, and I retired as a plant superintendent after a glorious career in material control, traffic, engineering, finance, and finally, manufacturing. Then I got an early retirement at age 50. None of this would have been possible if I hadn't been working on that degree, just to finish the degree. Wasn't related to any of the jobs I was able to hold. But it made a difference, both in my self-esteem and my career. From my experience, I'd finish the degree if you can. Hope you feel better soon!