[rjdaws]

I can feel my mind breaking apart again. I'm losing my grasp on reality. Today I felt intense anxiety. My girlfriend and I spent the afternoon downtown before she took the bus home and when we were waiting at the station around a bunch of other people, I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt nauseous. The feeling stayed with me all the way home and didn't improve even when I got here. My roommate and his girlfriend were watching a movie when I got home, so maybe for some reason I just couldn't relax.

So, I went across the street to the corner store, bought one of those new "Mellow Marley" cold tea drinks that calm you down, and sadly bought a pack of smokes as well. It's been a few months since I quit but lately, I've been craving a cig like crazy. And I guess this time in my weakened mental state (and physical - my body's been aching in all kinds of places lately) I gave in.

Now instead of anxiety I'm left feeling, well, hopeless.

I have no job despite my efforts at finding one. Welfare will drastically cripple my already low credit rating. And while I can apply for unemployment insurance, I'm only 20 and I've worked only a few part-time student jobs. If I qualify, it won't make much of a difference. I owe my dad and my girlfriend a **** ton of money, let alone my credit, internet, and phone bills.

as a note of interest, I am not suicidal.

I just don't feel stable right now. I feel like I just want to scream and tear my insides out. It's a brutal image to write or say but really the feeling isn't self-destructive or even bloody, it's just the only image my mind has to get rid of this feeling, to get rid of the insanity I feel brewing in my head.

I think my biggest fear too is disappointing and hurting my girlfriend. This is the first healthy relationship I've had. She loves me, genuinely. She has no hidden feelings. She has no intention of hurting me. She treats me like a human being and not some emotionally unstable freak. But I'm terrified of screwing up. I'm not a good person. I mean, I have decent morals, I care about others, but I have bad habits, very self-destructive ones that burn holes in my wallet and the wallets of those I love. I make impulsive decisions against the advice of my loved ones. I don't listen to them. My dad has often, during fights, told me I'm selfish, that I don't care about him when I do, I really really do. My girlfriend has very few, and very simple requests of me - to stop spending my money so impulsively, to live a little healthier, and to get a job and keep it. Things any healthy, normal person should easily be able to do and yet I constantly let her down.

I barely have the will to do my own laundry.

And I've let myself have a cigarette again. Yes, I have the choice not to have another but the pack is open and accessible. I've let the addiction back into my life and I know my will is weak. My mom just died a year ago because she smoked for 30 years so I know I'm not one of those lucky people who can drink and smoke and eat greasy food for 95 years and baffle the doctors.

I'm sorry for posting this. If I had a blog I'd write it there but I'm too new on the forum to get one. So here you go, my baggage for the day.

[missbelle]

Sounds like depression. I am sorry you are feeling so crappy.And you are a good person....None of us are perfect. We all have issues, some more then others. So you had a cigarette......tomorrow is another day. You gave in because you feel awful. Its hard to quit any addiction when you feel so bad. I remember trying to loose weight.My Psychiatrist said not even to start a diet because I was still fragile, still getting over a major depressive epizode. We can only tackle one major issue a time!!!!!!

Give yourself some slack. Not everything has to be fixed at once. Sounds like you are trying too hard. You do not need to try that hard. EASE UP A LITTLE!

Spending money can be another side of depression. We want to do anything that takes away that horrible feeling.

I hope you can find a therapist or counselor to talk too. There are free clinics out there that don't take money. See if you can find one close to your place.

Sounds to me like you are a normal person with a load of problems.......you need someone to help you get them off your plate one by one. When we have anxiety and depression we are almost totally immobile. You stated you could barely do the laundry...we just can't move...its too much to open a can of soup sometimes let alone tackle anything major.

I am so glad you are here but find a therapist you can actually see and talk too. All this can be solved and it will be solved. Right now you are simpy overwhelmed. I have been there. I know and I understand and everyone here at the forums has been there as well.

Welcome and keep posting and reading the posts. You will meet a great number of cyber friends here that share your problems.

Nothing is hopeless..you are not hopeless. I care!

Hugs;
Dee

[Rohag]

Hello, Rjdaws!

Originally Posted by rjdaws

...to stop spending my money so impulsively, to live a little healthier, and to get a job and keep it.

Those may sound like simple requests, but, if you barely have the will to do your own laundry, then they are neither easy nor simple. Oh, they're wonderful goals. You, however, are not just anyone. Reaching these goals will demand more of you than of others who are not burdened with depression.

Unfortunately, too few will be able to appreciate that.

When you get your finances under control, live healthier, and secure employment, celebrate significant victories.

[rjdaws]

Thanks guys. I guess maybe I am trying too hard. I'm lucky my girlfriend seems really sympathetic about it, she's really considerate about my not-so-normal needs. Everyone else I've been with was always very impatient with me, which only made my worse :/

Maybe I should just try to accomplish one simple goal each day, like today I should get my laundry done x3 Tomorrow look for a job (since it's a scorcher today and I melt in the sun).

I'm kinda lucky too in that my apartment has an outdoor pool. I get nervous about going in alone but my roommate wants to go for a swim tonight. Maybe I'll go then and just relax.

"Spending money can be another side of depression. We want to do anything that takes away that horrible feeling." - Missbelle

I agree, I've thought for a while now that buying new, flashy things might be my [bad] way of feeling special or better. I think as well, because I sometimes get flushed and kind of anxious when I'm deciding whether or not to buy, that feeling kind of mimics excitement. It feels like it comes from the same area in my body. So maybe I've just gotten addicted to that "fun" anxious feeling of buying.

[online user]

Sounds like a great idea--doing one thing each day. That way, you will feel like you have accomplished something. Shopping can be a crutch--my younger sister got in a mode of spending money she didn't have--she said she liked going to the stores because the store clerks would be really nice to her when she was shopping. It made her feel good, to have the new things and the attention. She ran up a whole bunch of bills before she realized that shopping for her was an illness, like gambling or alcoholism is for others. Hope things get better for you soon. Be sure to tell your girlfriend how much she means to you.