[spaceid]

I'm just sad today. Sad, sad, sad. Luckily, I don't feel really depressed, but feeling sad sucks.

I think I'm going through something where I am accepting something that I discovered about a relationship I'm having and it is hard. So I'm just sad, praying that it does not lead to depression. The worst part is I don't know whether the conclusion I am coming to is true or or whether I'm just convincing myself it is to keep myself from getting hurt.

Either way I'm just sad.

[Can't Stop Crying]

sorry your feeling this way! sending good thoughts your way...

[turquoisesea]

sorry about the sadness. Oddly I think having been depressed can make sadness worse in a weird way. Do you want to talk about the relationship? Sometimes getting to the root of the sadness and talking about it can help you get through it. *hugs*

[online user]

Do you have a way of verifying if this new knowledge is true or not? Do you think just watching it over time will tell the truth? If so, you are OK to just wait and see. If it affects future actions or your part, you might want to be particularly careful, in case it's not true. Do you remember the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water?" Meant to not make too much of negative news...leave yourself an option of carrying on with the relationship if it's not true.

You are right, however, to be careful of yourself and your feelings. You are the only one who can really do that. Best wishes to you, dear!

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Do you want to talk about the relationship? Sometimes getting to the root of the sadness and talking about it can help you get through it. *hugs*

Actually I do want to talk about it, but I'm worried it's going to be long.

I've been seeing this guy since February. We work together and also are in college at the moment (different schools) but we study together. I'm 28 and he's 33 so we both have just started college after being out in the "real world" for awhile.

The problem is I'm not sure if he thinks we are seeing each other or if he thinks we are just friends with benefits. I hope it is not FWB because I have never wanted t do that and it was not my intention at all. I think maybe from the start we miscommunicated with each other about what we were doing and that worries me a lot. We see each other almost everyday, I know his family, he's met mine, but I don't feel like he sees himself as being in a relationship. He thought being in one would distract him from school, but then he started texting and calling me everyday and now everyone at work thinks we are a couple. I'm not sure what is going on anymore and it stresses me out to no end. I've even been having nightmares about it.

Lately, I've come to the conclusion that he will never actually want a proper relationship from me and that is what makes me sad. The biggest problem though is that I am just assuming this and have not asked him. I'm terrified to ask him because I'm scared of what he will say. My fear of his answer is stronger than my anxiety and depression that I am having from this whole situation. We are becoming really good friends and I don't want to lose him. If he says he doesn't want a relationship I don't know what I'm going to do. Why does he treat me like we are in one? He takes me out, buys me coffee and tea, we hang out as his house with his family, we've gone shopping together, we go for walks, we study almost everyday...is this not like couple things to do? He's not very affectionate though (unless we are in bed) and that bothers me. My definition of a friend seems to be different then his.

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

sorry your feeling this way! sending good thoughts your way...

Thanks!

Originally Posted by online user

Do you have a way of verifying if this new knowledge is true or not? Do you think just watching it over time will tell the truth? If so, you are OK to just wait and see. If it affects future actions or your part, you might want to be particularly careful, in case it's not true. Do you remember the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water?" Meant to not make too much of negative news...leave yourself an option of carrying on with the relationship if it's not true.

The only way I can verify is by asking and I'm too scared! I know it is ridiculous, but I'm scared of scaring him away.

[turquoisesea]

The biggest problem though is that I am just assuming this and have not asked him. I'm terrified to ask him because I'm scared of what he will say. My fear of his answer is stronger than my anxiety and depression that I am having from this whole situation. We are becoming really good friends and I don't want to lose him.

*hugs* It's impossible to tell what he's feeling without asking him. I know this is NOT the answer you were looking for but in my opinion communication is the most important in a relationship, and I think in this case it's lacking in this area. I know it's scary to talk about.

It sounds like the worst that can happen is he says he doesn't want a relationship. At that point you could probably be friends just like you are now but you can't be idealistic and lie to yourself that it can become something more. The GOOD thing about that, is that you won't get hurt even worse later.

The best thing that can happen is him saying "Oh, I thought that was obvious, of course we're in a relationship!!!" xD

And there's lots of grey inbetween - you could work to get over his fears of being in a relationship (if he has them), you can work on defining what your relationship is.

The only way I can verify is by asking and I'm too scared! I know it is ridiculous, but I'm scared of scaring him away.

For what it's worth I don't think you'll scare him away. And honestly if it does it sounds like it's not the right relationship for you anyways - it sounds like you need some forms of commitment (... like LOADS of people including me ), and as I said I don't think you'll scare him away as a friend. You might scare YOURSELF away, but probably not him as easily. Could be totally wrong but from what I read that's my guess



anyways, wishing you luck in getting up the courage if that's what you decide to do. Thanks for sharing the story and take care!!!

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

*hugs* It's impossible to tell what he's feeling without asking him. I know this is NOT the answer you were looking for but in my opinion communication is the most important in a relationship, and I think in this case it's lacking in this area. I know it's scary to talk about.

I now you're right. That is what I need to do. I can never seem to find the right time or get up the courage. I don't even know how to start the conversation. Do I ask him if he still thinks he can't be in a relationship while he's in school?

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

It sounds like the worst that can happen is he says he doesn't want a relationship. At that point you could probably be friends just like you are now but you can't be idealistic and lie to yourself that it can become something more. The GOOD thing about that, is that you won't get hurt even worse later.

I guess if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship I don't understand how I can still be friends with him. If we were friends and all of a sudden a couple months later he met some other girl and started seeing her I feel like I would just die. I don't want to be studying with him, thinking about how much I still like him while he's getting texts from some other girl. That's like tortue, but I don't want to lose his companionship.

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

For what it's worth I don't think you'll scare him away. And honestly if it does it sounds like it's not the right relationship for you anyways - it sounds like you need some forms of commitment (... like LOADS of people including me ), and as I said I don't think you'll scare him away as a friend. You might scare YOURSELF away, but probably not him as easily. Could be totally wrong but from what I read that's my guess

anyways, wishing you luck in getting up the courage if that's what you decide to do. Thanks for sharing the story and take care!!!

Funny enough I never cared to be in a relationship before I met this guy. I was happy by myself. But now, I want nothing more than to be in a committed relationship with him. I know if this doesn't work out I'm going to be lonely and miss him a lot and that is something I've never had to deal with before. I just hate this and wish I could talk to him without feeling like I'm going to freak out.

Thank you for your advice, turquosesea, I know I have to talk to him, but when am I finally going to get the courage? In a week he's going away on vacation for a week and I'm going to miss him. But will he miss me?

[turquoisesea]

((((spaceid)))))

just wondering how things are going =)

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( spaceid )))))))))))))

[online user]

Sounds like you have a very good relationship to me, based on friendship first. The question is, of course, how much love and commitment is there. Sometimes people who spend a lot of time together as friends, who then live together, do form very solid and long-lasting relationships over time, even if it was not their intention at first. And you know men--they are driven for the physical and don't have to be as emotionally involved as we women do to express that part of their being. I know it's a big questions for you. I hope you have the courage to get some kind of answer as to where you stand and what his intentions might be now that you have grown so close.

[spaceid]

Thank you everyone for your hugs and replies. I really needed them. I talked to my therapist today and she helped to put things into perspective. She also gave me some ideas on how to ask him. I'm still scared though. She thinks we can still be friends even if he says no. I'm not sure about that. I'll keep everyone updated.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by spaceid

Thank you everyone for your hugs and replies. I really needed them. I talked to my therapist today and she helped to put things into perspective. She also gave me some ideas on how to ask him. I'm still scared though. She thinks we can still be friends even if he says no. I'm not sure about that. I'll keep everyone updated.

So I texted him while he was at work. I didn't want to text him about this, especially while at work, but I couldn't take it anymore. This is how it went:

Me: "Would you say we are just friends?"
Him: "I guess, what would you say?"
Me: "I would say I like you and don't want to be just your friend."
Him: "Well you know that my priority right now is school. However, I should have not hooked up with you if that was the case cause it is not fair to you. I think we should talk about this though but not over text messages. I apologize for saying one thing and doing another."

I didn't text him back. I knew he wouldn't be mean to me, but the fact that he noticed that he said one thing to me and did another meant a lot. I couldn't stop crying though and I still can't. About 20 minutes later he texted me back.

Him: "You're important to me so we need to sit down and have a conversation"
Me: "Ok, I'm sorry I texted you about it while at work, but I have a hard time talking about these things while in person."

So now I'm supposed to be driving him to the airport in 8 hours. I don't know if he will still want me to take him. And I also don't know when we are going to have this conversation. I'm freaking out. I hate having conversations like these. I just want to run away and fast as possible. I have no clue how it is going to go. Who's gong to say what. It is making me sick to my stomach. He'll be on vacation for a week. Maybe we need time apart?

Personally, I don't buy his excuse about school. Lots of people have relationships in school and my therapist agrees with me. I think he is scared of messing things up in his life because he has made so many mistakes that he is now paying for. I can't convince him to be in a relationship with me, but I don't know what else to say. I feel like as soon as I see him I'll pass out from fear of the actual conversation.

[turquoisesea]

It sounds like this guy is also going through a variety of things. It's really hard to tell. Congratulations on bringing the topic up for discussion. Maybe you two can work something out, if he has feelings for you and may want commitment in the future, or if he may be wiling to consider at least TRYING a committed relationship now.

*hugs* and good luck

[Heisenberg]

Okay, well he did say "You're important to me so we need to sit down and have a conversation". Clearly, as he said, you're important to him. From what you've been saying it sounds like he's had problems in relationships in the past, but from his text it sounds like he might be willing to try and work something out. I know it's hard, and I know how things like this can make you feel. My own boyfriend pulls me in some upsetting directions sometimes. Hang in there. *hugs* You can do this. I'm here, and many others are here to support you.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

It sounds like this guy is also going through a variety of things. It's really hard to tell. Congratulations on bringing the topic up for discussion. Maybe you two can work something out, if he has feelings for you and may want commitment in the future, or if he may be wiling to consider at least TRYING a committed relationship now.

*hugs* and good luck

Originally Posted by Heisenberg

Okay, well he did say "You're important to me so we need to sit down and have a conversation". Clearly, as he said, you're important to him. From what you've been saying it sounds like he's had problems in relationships in the past, but from his text it sounds like he might be willing to try and work something out. I know it's hard, and I know how things like this can make you feel. My own boyfriend pulls me in some upsetting directions sometimes. Hang in there. *hugs* You can do this. I'm here, and many others are here to support you.

I hope you guys are right. The fact that he is nervous to have a relationship makes sense to me. He is an alcoholic, but is sober at the moment. He spent most of his 20s drunk and now he has huge regrets about that. About two years ago he got a DUI and that is what finally set him on the right path. So now he has started school again this past spring semester. He is really tough on himself and had to get As or he would be disappointed in himself. He feels like he owes a lot to his parents and that this is his last chance to set his life in the right direction. So he is going through a lot. I also don't think he is completely over a relationship that ended 7 years ago. Apparently he would have done anything for this girl and they were engaged. Sadly his drinking and other problems got in the way and she said that she could not see herself marrying him. I think it still bothers him. He said that he gets obsessive about relationships. That he will give himself to them completely like nothing else matters. I know he is scared that it will become a priority over school for him. I think he is in a different place in his life now than when he was in his early 20s and can handle a relationship without losing focus on school. But what do I know? We need to talk about it, but he won't be back until Saturday. That gives me a lot of time to think.

[turquoisesea]

Good luck on Saturday. Don't think too much though - try to enjoy yourself, you've been stressed out too much about this already *hugs*

[online user]

Spaceid--you love him and want to be with him. He's probably afraid of a commitment, but has a lovely relationship with you which is fulfilling in his life. Why not let things proceed with the understanding that he can't make more of a commitment at this time, but you both enjoy each other and what you have together? If you are willing to accept this for now, while he figures out in what direction he's going and what's important to him, what is the harm in that? You will either grow closer together and be inseparable or time will draw you apart, when it won't be so much of an issue with you, to be separate from him. I think there still might be a win-win for you both here.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by online user

Spaceid--you love him and want to be with him. He's probably afraid of a commitment, but has a lovely relationship with you which is fulfilling in his life. Why not let things proceed with the understanding that he can't make more of a commitment at this time, but you both enjoy each other and what you have together?

Well for me I don't completely enjoy this situation. Without a commitment I feel tons of anxiety. He does not have any accountability to me. He may be perfectly happy with the situation as it is, but I'm not. He's still single so he can flirt with any girl he likes. I don't want to be studying with him one day in the future and all of a sudden he tells me about this great girl he met and how they are dating now. Where does that leave me? I'm scared that if we have no commitment I'm setting myself up to be used.

[turquoisesea]

spaceid, if that's how you feel I think you should act accordingly. I'd feel the same way. You deserve to be in a relationship where you have the commitment you desire. If this guy can't give it to you right now then you're right you're in a position where it would be very easy to get hurt.

Some plans I'd come up with (sorry if I repeat at all) is either the commitment you're looking for or even a compromise. Maybe you could be agree to be exclusive for *insert months till school is over here*, and then to talk about it and regroup after that. Maybe you could agree to make a decision after school and until then continue as is (if that's something you'd be able to do). Maybe you can agree to stop seeing each other until he's ready for commitment. This list could go on and on - the possibilities are vast I think, it's about finding one that works well enough for you. I know personally having an end date to how long you ahve to wait for a decision would be important.

I think you have to pay attention to your feelings here and accept them. You FEEL like this is not enough for you, you FEEL scared, you FEEL unhappy. You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you react to your feelings. What do you think is the best reaction to these feelings?

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

What do you think is the best reaction to these feelings?

That's the question I'm trying to deal with now. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow. Some things happened over the week with him, namely him calling me up drunk and tellig me everything that is wrong with me especially how I'm not girly enough. He apologized to me, but he's never done that to me before. Since he's been on vacation he's been drinking like a frat boy, but he said no more drinking after this. I'm not even sure how I feel about him right now. He's this nice, responsible guy, but when he drinks it is like Jekyl and Hyde. Thing is he doesn't drink around me, only old friends. I'm feeling a lot of things right now and don't know what to do.

[turquoisesea]

him calling me up drunk and tellig me everything that is wrong with me especially how I'm not girly enough. He apologized to me, but he's never done that to me before.

Maybe he's having trouble coping with all this stress just like you are, but in a different way?

I really hope he doesn't get any more drinking troubles that could be a bad thing - good luck with your therapist tomorrow I hope it gives you some clarity and helps you understand more about what you're feeling/what's best.