[advrtfwj]

I just registered for this forum because over the past few weeks I've been growing increasingly unglued. This is long, but it's taking a lot of effort to type this out, so bear with me.

Short background: I've been suffering from anxiety, depression for about 5 years now and began seeking treatment my junior year of high school. (I'm 22 now.) I've been in therapy, been on a variety of medications, etc. over the past few years. I've had bad periods and good periods - I'm sure you can all relate. Over the past couple of months I've been sinking lower and lower and it's really worrying me.

In late April, I had a few anxiety attacks where I trashed my room, broke some things, and couldn't contain myself. I felt crazy. I've had them in the past, but these were the worst I'd had in awhile. During one of these attacks I repeatedly I was so scared. About a week later I had a similar attack and checked into the ER because I was scared about what I might do, was so freaked out, and didn't know where else to turn.

After that incident (and the growing depression and severe anxiety/panicky thoughts/head that never shuts up) I decided to start regular therapy again. I feel it's almost mandatory for me now and am actually totally willing to go through, and continue, with therapy. (I did it on and off for a while before...) had my first appt. last week.
I also visited with my psychiatrist about a med change about a month ago. I was taking Lexapro and Buspar, but thought perhaps they weren't working as well as previously and we decided to go a different route. I was prescribed Zoloft, and feel no better tonight than I did 3 weeks ago. I am off the Lexapro and Buspar now. I have an appt. with him in 3 days. I know Zoloft takes awhile to build up, but I'm not feeling one bit better. (I realize the meds don't "fix" things - I actually think the therapy is going to have more of an impact than the drugs).

Um... so here are a few things I've been experiencing, and need some advice or support from anyone who understands...

-First off: I'm depressed, very depressed, about not having a girlfriend. I know this is so very common, but just hear me out. This is something relatively new for me. I am an independent person and never really felt the "need" to have someone there. In fact, I almost felt I preferred life without it. I'd see all the negative aspects in my friends' relationships and think "I'm glad I'm not dealing with that." I've dated in the past, but nothing serious or longterm. My last intimate encounter with someone was last November (over the course of about a week). Before that, last June (lasted about a month). Today, it's all I can think about. I crave it and desire it more than I have in my life. I'm not sure what flipped the switch here, but I want it so badly. It's at the point where I actually get depressed when I see attractive girls pass by (I live in a college town - this happens ALWAYS). I see them and think, I could be with her, but I'm not. I see a male and female walking together and get insanely jealous. I don't think this is healthy. Here's the thing... I've become friends with so many women over the past several years. Some of them very good friends. They love my personality, sense of humor, my willingness to always be there for them. If they started to get manipulative or use me, I'd stand my ground (some of them started abusing me like this - sure, I had romantic interest in a few, and I WOULD go out of my way for them sometimes, but I'm not stupid and realized when I was starting to get used). Unfortunately, while these friendships have been great, that's all it ever was. Girls love everything about me, it seems... except wanting to take it a step further. After dealing with this over and over, my views toward women grew increasingly negative. It became a catch-22: I despised women but wanted to be with them. I've heard everything - I'm still young, the right one will appear someday, just wait it out... I HAVE waited it out. I HAVE tried to just let things happen. I'm not overly pushy and women trust in me. I'm also NOT particularly worried about "finding the right one someday" - yeah, it'll happen. But I'm not thinking of marriage or that perfect woman right now. I just want someone to make a connection with, talk to, have a great time with, and hold at night. This seems impossible. I signed up for an online dating site as an alternative to the same old, same old. I've had some nice exchanges, a few that felt like they were going somewhere - and then bam, nothing. Conversations would be dropped (I didn't say anything wrong...) out of nowhere and I'd just be left feeling miserable about women I haven't even met. This has been going on for a few months too, with no luck.
-Second: My depression gets worse at night. The best way I can describe this is: As the sun slowly starts to go down, the lump in my stomach slowly starts getting bigger. By the time it's pure dark, I have a pit in my stomach, I start feeling like I want to cry for no reason in particular, and the thoughts in my head rapidly swim around (sometimes this leads to bad anxiety, and I won't be able to sleep). This is also kind of new. I actually have always loved nighttime - it's when I felt most relaxed and comfortable. Lately I know it's going to come on and I can't do anything to avoid it. Even if I'm keeping busy/going throughout my normal routine, these feelings are unavoidable and I can't escape them until I'm finally asleep.
Maybe part of this has something to do with being lonely without a girl - I'm sad lying in bed, for example, without anyone to cuddle.
Random:
-I take Adderall (15 mg) for ADD; I've always experienced a bit of a comedown at nighttime but it's much worse than I've ever remembered. I don't take it daily, so I know that's not the root cause of the nighttime depressed feelings.
-I work part time and am taking one summer class, so it's not like I'm lying around on the couch all day helpless. I go through the motions and do my best day-to-day, but it's becoming more exhausting and I just feel kind of "stuck."

I know these are things I should discuss with my therapist - I most definitely will - but I'm feeling so helpless (it is dark outside, after all) and would greatly appreciate some support. This might not sound all that bad... and compared to others, it's not... but for ME, it is. It's not right at all, and I don't know what to do...

[danii24]

yes i can relate to what your saying. ive had depression for years and it gets worse at night because i feel lonely but cant cope in a relationship with any1. ive never even been in a porper relationship because of the feers that come with it i cant cope with. i even tried internet dating to but it was hopeless.

Ive been getting worse to tearn up rooms in my house and my depression spiralling out of control. i jus wanted to say i no how you feel. keep talking to your therapist and posting how u feel on here. there are a lot of supportive people on here

[Porcelain_doll_2004]

Sending positive healing thoughts to you!