I'm Living A Lie!

For the past month I have been living a lie, I have pretended to be happy for the benift if my T just so that he doesn't send me away during the holidays, now that I am going on holiday all my feeling of lonliness are coming back and I wish that I could tell some1 but they all think I'm getting better but in the end I'm only getting worse, my thouights of suicid or stronger than ever, and all I want to do i is cut, but I can't do all that eben though I want to, my life is seroiusly going nowhere at the moment, I'm more depressend then aver and I have never felt more alone than now, every time I look at a sharp pbject all I wanna do is cut and die, but I can't cause then people would think that I'm F*cked up, death all that I think of and I wish that it would come for me but if I say that people would hate me and never speak to me again, I just wish I could tell people how I really felt and I wish that they would understand but they never will, no one will ever understand what I'm going through. Y is life so hard to live? I just wish I could disappear and never come back, I think that would actually make people happy, ya they would be happy if I where gone.

I don't think people would be happier if you were gone, Psyclox. I know I wouldn't be, and I know there are a lot of people here that feel the same. Hang in there and be strong.

i'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad.....your T should be someone who you can tell your true feelings to without being afraid.....i always read your posts and try to respond to you.....i don't want you to hurt yourself or go away......

Psyclox, I wouldn't be happy if you disappeared. Not at all.
You need to talk to your T honestly. You are not going to enjoy the holidays at all in your present frame of mind.
So what- you lied. That's understandable and people will forgive you because your motivation is soooo comprehensable.
Who doesn't want to be home for the holidays? Who would blame you? You're being way too hard on yourself.
Please, please, please, call your T or a trusted friend and just say "please, help me, I'm feeling really bad."
I absolutely guarantee that they will be there for you and want to help and make you feel better. I swear.
If not, PM me and I will give you my phone number and we'll talk, about what ever you'd like for as long as you'd like.
Please, Psyclox. I've been following your posts and you're in my thoughts and I really, really want good things to happen for you.
I wish I could give you a big fat IRL hug, some hot cocoa with whipped cream piled on top and my shoulder to cry on.
((((((((((((Psyclox)))))))))))))))
You don't have to be alone. Reach out-

Oh I'm so sorry you feel so bad. We care about you and are very glad you are leaving the sharp objects alone. Keep reaching for your keyboard, your therapist, or a friend, ok?
Sometimes things get very hard right before a breakthrough.
Hang in there, You can do it. Remember, you have people who care very much, right here, listening to all you have to say.

The fact that you can hold back from doing bad stuff is good and would tell T you have some self control ...We do care and hope you do talk to T it may help a lot and not send you anywhere

Hang in there. Please talk to someone. Your T, a hotline or something. I will pray for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I, too, am living a lie, actually many lies, but I'm hanging in there. I think if you confided in your T he/she may be able to find a way to treat you without just throwing you in the hospital. There are programs out there that are there to keep people from the hospital. As for the cutting, try to keep busy. What helps me to keep from cutting is constantly keeping my hands busy, staying away from sharp objects, and reaching out to others, even if it seems repetitive, constant, and burdening. Do it just to exist for now.

The only place I can really be myself is online, on this site, and chatting with my online friends. I know, at least, they will accept me for who I am. Around where I live people are very biased and bigoted. Very judgmental. Anyways, I just want you to know that you are NOT alone and that we care very much about what happens to you.

Try to hang in there and stay safe. If you need anything...anything at all...remember we are here for you even when you are in your darkest hours.