Balls.

Argh, i wrote a whole entry and my internet deleted it. Let's try this again:

Well, i still want to die, but i'm not suicidal (anyone else understand the difference between these. I know that in definition they are pretty much the same, but in reality they seem very different).

Also, the other night, on my birthday, my crush actually did go and have sex with my bff in the woods near my house. Later, when he came back, he told me how much he regretted it and instead wished the night would end like it did in the woods (we went camping. Ended up sleeping in the same bed, kissing muchos). So yeah, we ended up snuggling and kissing and stuff.

Yeah it was nice, but if i had any self respect i'd never have done anything. Seriously, why do i not have any self respect???

On another note, I cut myself for the first time since January. The skin around my cuts has gone yellow. Anyone know whats up with this?? I'm a little worried.
See, i thought i'd be more able to go to the docs, seeing as i'm over 18 so they wouldnt be able to tell my parents. But in fact, i still cant go....because if i get on meds i wouldnt be able to drink, also the money it would cost if i had to get treatments of any sort. Anyone from the UK know how these things work? Lol.

But yes, I think my depression has returned with a bang. Balls it!
Sorry for the longpost.

Hi MusicRulesMe -- Hmmm....I'm not from the UK and don't really know much about self-injury, so unfortunately I do not have any wise advice to offer, just support. I do understand the "Why don't I have any self-respect?" issue, because I've been there, with situations similar to the one you described.

I sincerely hope things start looking up soon. ((((MusicRulesMe))))

I forgot to say -- Yes, I do understand the difference between wanting to die and being suicidal per se! Most psychiatrists do not seem to be able to make this distinction, IMO.

((((((((Music Rules Me))))))))))

I understand the distinction between being suicidal and wanting to die very well. I've been there. It sucks. Sending hugs to help you through.

I'm not 100% sure how the medical system in the UK works, but while I was at school there I got my antidepressants for free. I'm not sure about therapy costs because I saw a school counselor rather than a private therapist. It might be worth talking to your doctor about your options. Together you might be able to come up with a treatment regimen that works for you.

Best of luck.