[MysticTheSheperd]

Thought Id post a little of my story. I think it fits best in here but im not really sure. Please excuse me if you find i posted in the wrong thread.
I was about 15 years old when I was raped at knifepoint by my oldest sister while our parents were away I wont get into details right now but ever since then my life changed for what seams forever. I started withdrawing away from friends and other family members and pretty much stayed in my room when I wasnt in school. I was and still am scared of her. My grades started dropping and made it through but it was hard. During my school years I became really shy I couldnt even eat at Mc Donalds cause I would think people were watching me and could see what had happened. I started having nightmares about it and panic attacks. Back then I didnt know what panic attacks were and found out later in life. I went and got my Diploma in Paramedics and started work in that field. While being a medic my first girlfriend I ever had commited suicide on Christmas Eve of 19,83 I was so heartbroken and felt I had nothing to live for I cried and cried for months and months I started getting irritable with my co workers i stuffed it all inside me all that hurt fustration and pain from both my first girlfriend and my sister. I startrd drinking to help numb the pain and soon was getting drunk just about every night. After a while I started reliving it all it was like i would go back in time sometimes with my sister and sometimes with my first girlfriend. I didnt want to get out of bed I wanted so bad for it all to go away I wanted to be normal once again so to speak. I still went to work and still did my job right through it all but I knew I was falling and falling real fast I knew it was only a matter of time All the stuffing that I did was trying to get out from inside me Some people were calling me a baby for always crying that I shut that down I hated myself and just wished God would take me in my sleep. I started thinking I could see her around me Id reach out to hug and hold her only to see i imagined it all I would always wish I could bring her back I tried talking to friends but they all pretty much said I was nuts and didnt want to really hear about it I was always feeling so horrible that one night I had sissors in my had and started slowly cutting myself not not deep at all and noticed that the pain from cutting along with seeing my own blood helped to deaden the emotional pain. I kept on living with emotional pain the crying when I could hide to do it all the guilty feelings I had all that I shoved inside me. the loneliness The panic attacks the reliving of it all The cutting got to be more and more it was out of control and I just couldnt stop I just wanted to die and wanted god to take me Then while at work one day a female co worker came up to me and asked whats wrong I told her nothing but she could see there was I couldnt hide it any longer she reached out to give me hug and I pulled away cause I got so scared since I was not expecting it I looked at her fell to the ground and sobbed my heart out and started to tell her everything I didnt want to but I could not stop myself she and 2 other co workers were checking me out my legs and arms and noticed all the cutting I had done I told them I wanted to die to help me die and they forced me to get help I went impatient and got on meds then when I got out I had one on one therapy for quite some time. I kept having my ups and downs but life was ok now for about the last 6 months or so Ive slowly going downhill. My nightmares are worse along with the depression panic attacks and ptsd I dont know why I just no I really dont care weather I live or not I am calling my old therapist tommorow to see if I can get back in to therapy to see why its all happening all over again. Thanks to all who may read this post and sorry if its all scattered around or if it doesnt make any sense

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am so sorry you had to go through so much pain. Do you have a doctor or therapist you could talk to about all of this? I think it would be worth it to look at everything so that you can start to heal. Welcome - I really hope you find support here and post again!

[MysticTheSheperd]

Thanks Butterflies Im going to be calling my old therapist tommorow meaning Tuesday to try to get back in one one one I think there has to be something thats still in the back of my mind that still needs to be dealt with. Thank you for your reply and for caring