[Chronic]

Does this sound sick? I am not planning anything, but I do want to die and I'm ok with that. I don't feel depressed or sad that this is how I feel. I'm ok with it.I've been in hospital before for OD because I wanted to die and that felt completely different to the way I feel now. Maybe because I didn't really want to die back then? Thinking about not being alive is a relief from the pain of being here so I'm glad I can go to that place inmy mind. I don't feel hopeless about the thought of dying. Or have I just numbed myself to the pain now

Can anyone relate or am I just a sicko?

[Astridetal]

I'm sorry you feel like this. I sometimes used to feel apathetic about wanting to die, but never okay. I hope you will discuss this with your therpaist and/or pdoc. You may need some adjustment in meds (meds can numb your feelings) or some other change in support. I really hope you won't do anything to harm yourself.

[Shadow-world]

I'm really sorry to hear you are at this stage, Chronic!

You ask whether someone can relate to your feelings. Well, usually even when I get really badly down I just want a better, different life but not to die. However, a few months ago I've had a lot of suicidal ideation and I think it was, as you describe it here, to find some form of permanent release from all the pain and the overwhelming feelings.

I think Astridetal has a point when he / she says that your medication might need to be adjusted. Talking these thoughts through with a therapist would be a really good idea, too. I don't know if you have one at the moment?

Please don't act on these thoughts and impulses and get some help from your doctor / therapist and keep posting when you feel like it!

I feel exactly the same way.I beckon its arrival.I often feel 'depressed' and other times elated.But,at my core,even at times where I could be considered 'happy', I guess that I have a lot of bitterness at the fact that I was born.I have issues with the fact that living entails my being helpless to alleviate the suffering of others.Most deeply ....among "others" would be the suffering of my 2nd born son.I 'overly feel' in my view.I am dissatisfied with the mistakes I have made over the course of my lifetime,and any injury to persons I have encountered.Those are at the core of my shared feelings.Yes,I can identify with the way that you feel.Rather than a "depressed state" all the time,I see it as an inner core resignation.Are you 'sick' ? Not in my opinion.But,in the interim,should you choose to 'live',and for me....if I choose to live....I ask myself...what can I do to pass the time in some manner that reduces my malingering,and that of others.Maybe this is my responsibility while occupying this fleshly home?idk....perhaps I am rambling.I couldn't leave your thread untouched and go along my way without reaching out and saying that I can relate.Not sick......

[Insignificant other]

You are not sicko Chronic nor are you alone thinking and feeling that way. I too, feel that way and am ready to go. Loneliness is my biggest foe. I'm married to someone who never speaks to me or acknowleges me when I speak to him ... he says he cant hear me ... I say he's tuned me out and its very hurtful.
Hang in there ... thats what I'm told, but geez how long? Where do people go to have their spirit lifted? Don't tell me to go to church .. I gave up on that a very long time ago. Usually I find some relief when I read posts here at PC. Every so often I find another poor soul like me on here and for some crazy reason I get a bit of relief just knowing I'm not alone is all.

(((((((Insignificant otherChronic))))))) Lets hang on.Since we feel these things,maybe we can use the understanding to help others.

[Chronic]

Thanks for the reassurance everyone. I must make it clear that I am not planning on doing anything about this, but thank you for your concern

I have been on Effexor for nearly a year (after trying several other meds) so maybe I have become immune to it. I do have a T although haven't been in therapy for a couple of months as I needed a break from the intensity of the realtionship, and tbh I don't really want to talk about it. It just occured to me that this probably isn't normal for someone who is genuinely happy to be ok with taking their life. But I don't feel sad about it. I think I am fed up with talking about it yet still finding life and myself pointless, but again I do not feel sad or depressed about having those thoughts.

But,at my core,even at times where I could be considered 'happy', I guess that I have a lot of bitterness at the fact that I was born...I 'overly feel' in my view...Rather than a "depressed state" all the time,I see it as an inner core resignation.

Originally Posted by wolfsong

.But,at my core,even at times where I could be considered 'happy', I guess that I have a lot of bitterness at the fact that I was born....I 'overly feel' in my view....Rather than a "depressed state" all the time,I see it as an inner core resignation.

Thanks Wolfsong- these things that you have said really stand out for me. It is like a resignation that this is how life is for me forever, and I'm still in my twenties so maybe I have just numbed myself to the reality. BUt like you say, I do not feel depressed, sad, hopeless about it.

I am sorry you too feel this way

Originally Posted by Insignificant other

Usually I find some relief when I read posts here at PC. Every so often I find another poor soul like me on here and for some crazy reason I get a bit of relief just knowing I'm not alone is all.

Me too, ISO. It doesn't sound a very nice thing to say does it, finding relief in another's suffering but I totally relate. I hope you find some peace soon

For all who struggle with their existence, I shall pray.

(((Byzantine))) Of all the things I think I need.....that is the thing in my best interest,and you are wise.....as you ever are.Thank you for your humanity,and for your empathy,and for your holding us in your hearts conversations.Be well Byz,~W~


....p.s...Chronic
I know you are tired of thinking about this,but just this last bit.....

,life evolves.It is ever changing,there will be times when you feel satisfaction,dissatisfaction,awe at a sunset,ashamed of your humanity,content with your choices/actions....any and every imaginable 'feeling' in between.You will evolve within as well.Darkness will at times,slip in beneath your door,and then the light will peek in and illuminate that darkness and chase it away,so that you are 'touched'.Lifes pain and joy ebbs and flows like the tides,and like the seasons.In the simplest of things there is magic.Life is a cloth,and many threads are lovely if we gaze at them closely.

"....... that this is how life is for me forever, and I'm still in my twenties so maybe I have just numbed myself to the reality."

...........ebbs and flows......

[St406]

Yes, I can relate to you as I now feel the same. If I were to be diagnosed with cancer I would seek no treatment. I don't know if u are isolated. I know for me the isolation---- emotional, physical, financial, and social have brought me to this place. What in your life can u change? The medications, at times can temper these feelings as u facilitate change for the better. I believe drastic change may be the only answer for me--but at the same time i fear it. I try to think back to happier times, even childhood, to grasp my life when these feelings were not here. Those states of mind were free of the burdens of the present. I look to one day have that back.

I am 47 and will am seeking out depression support groups for the first time in my life. Most people would deem me antisocial.

You are not alone. Seek out others, face to face, not just via the net. Find others like u and bring them into your life.