slipping away.. HUGE TRIGGERING POST

i'm out of IP and have moved interstate to live with my cousin and her partner. i was referred on to a new service but they aren't helping at all.. i don't have the energy to update properly but am really looking for some support so i'm going to copy and paste some entries i've made to here about whats going on..

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i'm slipping further and further away from reality.. nothing feels real.. can't feel pain anymore.. i want more pain so i can feel it.. i want to see the blood to know i am real.. i feel so numb..

seeing GP today but my cousin and her partner want to come in on the appt which will make me shut down and not tell him everything. i know i need to see him alone but i'm not sure how i can..

the voices have taken control of my mind and my body.. whats real and whats a hallucination? i don't know.

the drs said that they weren't going to admit me again.. they think i'm attention seeking.

they are thinking about letting me into the case management program but they aren't sure because they say it's only for serious cases.. and me well of course this isn't serious.

i want so badly right now to be back in the IP i was in before i moved where i knew the staff and they knew me and i trusted them and they knew how seriously to take me. a friend is about to go in there for a long planned admission and i hate her for it. i know it sounds stupid but i want to be in there.. then saying things like that makes me feel like an attention seeker.

i'm trying to support my friends because a lot of them are struggling but i am hanging by a tiny thread and can't keep this up much longer.

no one has any idea how much i'm struggling and how close i am to doing something.. something serious..


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no one believes how much I am trying. my old case manager does. he knows I'm doing really well in terms of how much I'm trying. how can I make people understand that just because I look okay on the outside doesn't mean I'm okay on the inside.

maybe I should just let everyone believe I'm doing okay. I should stop posting. stop trying to get professional support. when someone asks I'll tell them I'm good. I'll do everything they want me to do until oneday I just won't. then it will all be over. I think that's all I can do.

even though my old case manager has stayed in contact and wants to keep in contact which is really nice of him I think I might just have to stop speaking to him because he'll know what I'm doing he'll know I'm pretending. I think what I need to do is stop taking his calls and I'll send him a thankyou card for all the work he's done with me.

the thing that's worrying me the most is Elsie, my cat. what will happen to her? will my cousins keep her? will she go back to mums? will she be put in an animal shelter? I want to know what will happen to her. but I can't ask because then they'll all just tell me to stop being stupid. she gets upset when I leave her overnight she's going to be devastated if I leave for good. I need her to be in a safe place where she'll be loved and looked after properly.

better go for the GP appt soon. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. I guess I'll just see what comes out.

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went to the appt.. got lots of scripts. xray results. a copy of my discharge summary from the IP before i moved which i wasn't meant to read. and told to be patient. great ****ing appt.

i thought that the old IP were people who actually understood but they were just pretending to my face. they think i'm making it all up. they don't even believe me about the sexual assault. i know i shouldn't have read the discharge summary but it's too late now. i've just left a msg for my old case manager i am going to go through the formal process of requesting my entire file from the last 2years. i want to know what they really think, all of them. right now i hate them all. if they didn't believe me then why couldn't they have just discharged me from the entire service? instead they lied to me. made me believe that they believed me and that they understood and even that some of them actually cared.

oh and from right now i'm not eating until i loose 20kg. i don't care how sick i get i'm just not going to eat. i'm overweight so they can't make me.

i feel awful. worse than before the appt.

i've decided to stop asking for help and support.

sorry for letting everyone down.

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i don't even know what to write. i'm not meant to talk to people about how i'm feeling apart from my cousins.

a friend tried to call an ambulance on me today from interstate but i wouldn't give her my address so she called my old case manager but he was in training and the duty worker was busy. so luckily no ambulance, if one would have come my cousins would have been so mad.. they were really mad when i told them that one might be coming cuz of my friend.

i cut again last night.. saw my cousins partner and he asked if i was okay i said yes went back to my room and cut. my arm is so cut up you can't tell the individual cuts apart.

i don't know what to do.. the one friend who i usually tell everything to is the one who tried to call the ambulance on me so i can't talk to her incase she finds a way to get an ambulance to come.. i keep wondering if maybe she's right and if she calls they will take me more seriously and maybe i do need another admission.. but i can't go in because if i do i'm letting my mum and my cousins down because they don't want me in.

i keep thinking about my cat, i can't just leave her, i need to out something in place so she's okay.. maybe i should find her a new home now?

if i am going to get any help i need it before too long. I'm feeling closer to wanting to end it all. idk maybe if i was getting a lot of support from a psych things might be a little different? idk. i think i'm going to have to tell the crisis team that.. but at the same time i don't want to because i want to be able to do it.

i keep thinking about something one of the nurses at my old IP said. he said that he would be mad if i did do something because he thinks that i can do really well in life once i get through this and my reply was well i'll be in a different state so how will you even know and he said that i'd be surprised and that he would find out.. he was my favorite nurse, and i don't want to let him down but at the same time after reading my discharge summary i keep thinking what if he's the same and he doesn't believe me and he was just lying to gain my trust.. i wish i could just talk to him about it...

i'm feeling so overwhelmed the voices are really bad i'm loosing touch with whats real.. i can feel reality slipping further and further. i need to bleed to know that i am real, that i am alive..

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no there's no way i can call.. it's against the rules once your not in IP you can't call IP even if your still an outpatient client, which i'm not.

i just have no energy anymore.. nothing left to fight with.. yeah i know i keep saying how close i am to ending it but thats how it feels..

i jjust don't know what to do.. i know that with my old case manager now is when i'd have an admission so things could calm down but i can't because the hospital said they wouldn't admit me again so there's no point in going to ED and if i even bring it up about going to ED then my cousins will get really mad.. they think i'm not fighting at all that i'm not trying at all..

i have never felt so alone and trapped.. i see one way out..

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i know no i've made it very long.. sorry if you've stuck with reading then thankyou.. i'm just at a loss of what to do..

Hi there, I know there's nothing I can say right now that can make your life just be... happy and wonderful and all these problems to go away.

but DON'T give up hope. With care you can get better. don't give up in this.

I think you should call an emergency number NOW, please! Don't give up, you are dealing with so much right now and you need help. if you're afraid to mention ED then mention the other things first and leave that till later.

Dear Elsie, your Special Person Friend is in great distress, but you already know that. She lives in a world where other people don't see or feel her agony. She needs you more than ever. I wish you the strength and heart to love your Friend in just the right ways. May both of you continue to share much love and joy together.

thanks for replying..

i can't call anyone because they will just make me go to ED which will make my cousins really mad and be pointless because the doctors said they weren't going to admit me again.

i have the crisis line number, they are the people meant to be keeping an eye on me until i get more ongoing support... i might ask my cousin if i can call them because i'm not even meant to call the crisis line without talking to my cousins first.

i can feel myself slipping further every second. the voices are so loud.. i'm trying to fight them i really am but it's getting harder and harder.

Please Don't hurt yourself, I believe you...Ive been there...where you think people understand and they really didn't or didn't want too...they think we're making it up because we look OK on the outside...I'm experiencing that right now. Life is worth living...even though sometimes you may not think so. I'm diagnosed with BPD it never ends. Its hard I know, trust me I know. Your not alone.

Quiet One, please get Elsie and give her hugs. I have been through bad stuff too and touching and talking to my horse is what has kept me alive. Animals don't judge.

Is there a plan for you to move into your own apartment?

If your cousins are mad at you, they are ignorant of what you are really experiencing. Its good to ask for help not bad. By all means call crisis line or go to er. If it saves you, you are so worth it. You havent done anything wrong. Dont be ashamed to get help. And yeah, life is worth living.

no the plan is to stay living with my cousins..

i told my cousin's partner that i was struggling and he decided that we would all go to the beach.. so we did the coastal walk (1hr) then we had lunch and walked back but he decided that we would walk along the rocks on the way back which turned into pretty much rock climbing. then we got home and i vacumed and mopped all the floors in the house. then we walked the dogs for an hour. then the crisis team called me and i told them i was struggling and that i couldn't promise i'd be safe so they said i had to go to ED or they'd call the ambulance and police to make me. then when i got to ED i was honest but told them i didn't want an admission so they put me under the mental health act. then we had a family meeting and i said that i would do something if i went home but my cousins said they wanted me home anyway so i got discharged.

last night i was going to do something but i tried so hard not too and instead only took enough to knock me out for 8 or 9 hours and then my cousin had to wake me up. then i stayed in bed all day watching DVDS..

there's so much else in my head but it's too dark to write.. i'm sorry.

too dark to write most of whats going through my head.. but this song is going through my head..

Blink 182 - Adams Song
I never thought I'd,
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time,
I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, To go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off,You'll board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I cant wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

had another admission under the mental health act following a suicide attempt..

don't know what else to write.. really not coping.. don't know what to do anymore.

Dear QuietOne, anything you write is a comfort for it shows you are still with us. Now is not the time for you to wear yourself out with "coping" or with anything. Rest as best you can. Breathe. Let yourself be helped.

Just keep on posting for a while. I am not sure from your posts, but, have you gone to the ER?

i've been to emergency 4 times in the past 4 weeks, they just put me in an emergency psych ward until the next day and then discharge me saying that the crisis team will call every day which they don't. there's no point in going back to emergency.

i want to go back to when i was little, whenever i was scared and upset during the night i could go and hide in mum and dads bed... thats what i want right now. i just want to curl up and be held by mum and dad. i think my cat knows i'm not okay.. she keeps giving me lots of cuddles and following me everywhere.

i don't know what to do, i feel so sad and depressed. i can't even bring myself to reply to msgs.

spent the day in bed watching DVDs.

the crisis team haven't called me since i was discharged after trying to kill myself even though they said they would, no surprise there they just don't care.

i don't want to do this anymore. i can't do this anymore. i want to go back to when i was 5 or 6.

i just want my mum and dad .. great now i'm crying. i can't cope with this anymore.

Always remember that you are NOT ALONE

There are so many people here offering you their support..please take it! So many people care for you!

I am so sorry that things came to such a pass....i know it will be difficult for you to absorb much at this time...but please don't give up hope...just live one day at a time...times change & luck changes with time...who knows a recovery may be round the corner?..you have the support of your cousin & her partner...just indulge in activities that please you---but not self-harm please...it does not accomplish anything...tc

and I'm back in ED.. pointless trip because apparently I'm over reacting.

thought I needed stitches but I'm told "no they are just superficial"

now everyone is talking about me. I hate them all. I just want to go home to my mums. but no when I leave here I'll be going to my cousins who is really mad at me for cutting in the first place.

all this because I realized that I do have BPD and that the psych was right. and I thought oh I'll cut so I can not OD and stay out of ED cuz I have an appt at 9.30am I have to get to.

I really hope the psych let's me go.

the psych was nice and let me go around 7.30am...

i had a public breakdown in ED because they put me under the mental health act and i just wanted to go home.. so they drugged me.

i actually asked my mum about coming home and she said no not until i am better.. i don't think i'll ever get better.

i'm really not coping right now..

((((TheQuietOnexx))))

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I know that sometimes we cannot see beyond what is right there but hold on for there is more. I hope you will open up and talk to them and tell them exactly how you are feeling. No one can know if you do not tell them. I say this because it is something I am learning now and even though we may do things that show it or indicate it, we need to tell tell them.

Your life is worth the help and you are worth being heard. Someday you are going to be able to get out and things will not always be this way. I hear you and I validate how you are feeling, but our feelings change constantly. Hurting yourself is only hurting you more. Doing something to yourself is endangering yourself and not giving yourself that chance to find out. You do deserve that chance.

I understand why we do things when the pain is so bad that it feels it will never stop. But hurting you is a viscious cycle that causes even more feelings of guilt, shame, failure, and pain. And when you do that the original thing that is still there does not go away for it is just covered up for the moment and when that moment passes it is still there all along but we have now added to that.

I know this because I have been there and I do understand. You are not alone. I know that it is hard to talk and when we feel we are not understood or cared about it is harder. But truth is talking about it and allowing yourself to work through those things is the way out. It can get better with time. But you have to be willing to give yourself that time.

I know that it is so hard, and sometimes it is all we can do to keep going. But even if you have to take one minute, one second at a time, then if that is all you can do it is okay. We are here listening, supporting, encouraging, and caring. I hope you can hear that and that you will keep reaching out IRL and here. You are not alone, even though I know how it can feel so alone at times.

Just know that I care and am here for you. You can PM me anytime and I will answer and listen. Call those numbers that I sent you if you need to talk to someone. You can get better, give yourself that time. I say these things because I do understand where you are and I also know where you can get to. Hold on to us and we are holding on to you.

Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

thankyou for replying, it means a lot.

so not coping. can't face the world, spent the day in bed with a 'migraine'. friends I normally talk to daily I haven't spoken to in days. even just posting on here is a huge effort. its just me and my cat. that's all I can manage. I want to SH or something so badly but I'm so tired and no energy I can't even manage that.

don't know what to do. I know really soon I'm going to crash and fall to pieces. I can't keep this up much longer.

Hi sweetheart,

I'm thinking of you, wishing there was something I or anyone could do to help you.

Just know that I care xx