it just keeps coming back....

Hi everyone, I'm new to these forums so this is my first post. I'm 20 and I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 14, as well as having a bout of severe anorexia ( to the point where I was almost hospitalized) when I was 18. I never received any proper treatement for the anorexia, but on study abroad at the time and was basically told that if I didn't gain some weight I'd be sent home. I managed to overcome that by myself but the problem is depression just seems to keep coming back. I've had three episodes so far, but I wasn't properly treated for the first two. The first one my parents refused to believe I was depressed and wouldn't pay for medication or therapy. Second one I got a couple of sessions of counselling and after a couple of months it passed. This time I've been fighting it for about four months. My dr gave me prozac which has definitely helped but certainly doesn't eliminate everything. I have had some counselling but what I find is that after a couple of sessions I feel better and then b/c I'm fine we leave the counselling and in a few weeks I'm slipping back into depression. Half my probs stem from my parents - I am sure my mother has some form of bipolar disorder - she is easily irritable, very anxious, gets up really early and starts doing chores, has these huge spending sprees, etc....it's been like this as long as I can remember...when I was a teenager I remember her on a couple of occasions screaming that she was going ot hurt herself,etc...but no one in my family will do anything about it and she does not acknowledge that she has a problem. My father thinks that therapists are for the weak and ppl should be able to sort out her own probs....yeah right....

I'm moving cities in a couple of weeks which I'm hoping will give me a fresh start and a bit of space. I really want to get rid of this depression once and for all and just get on with my life. In some ways I'm so used to it that it seems kind of scary to live without it just b/c it's so familiar ( I hope that makes sense...not that I like depression, but it's sort of become engrained into me)...but the alternative ( staying depressed) is not where I want to be, so I've figured enough is enough and it's time to free myself. I've found that talking and writing helps so I thought I might post this....

For zombiette,

I have the same problem- one second I feel fine and I fgeel my mental illness is over- the next second I'm crying and feeling all sunken and low. My parents, too, refused to take me to therapy but the when I ended up on the side of the road incoherent I was taken to the hospital. Your depression sounds like you're not at the hospital point yet I feel your hurt, it is real and scary. Perhaps print out what you wrote and show your mother..I picked your mother because it sounds like your Dad has some ideas against therapy. Or just show her some literature from the library or support group- have you been to dbsalliance.org click on your local chapter to get to a support group in your new city. Perhaps a new city will be a fresh start- remember not to stop therapy when you feel better though- at least the medicine is working. I care about you and everyone here cares about you, perhaps you could come to this website a lot and help others or express yourself on the creative corner. You write well and another idea is to keep a journal. Write back and let us know how you are.

Zombiette,

I think you have to consider the possibility that you are bipolar 2 yourself...you don't seem to have real manic periods, but the recurrent depression is a "hallmark". Plus your family history increases the possibility.

The reason I mention this is that if this is the case, then antidepressants may actually make you feel worse, long-term. I was treated for nearly 10 years for depression...I'm now taking a mood stabilizer (lithium carbonate) and weaning myself from the antidepressants. I have now been "undpressed" now for almost 2 months, which is unheard of for me.

Think about it, maybe find a good pdoc after you move. I hate the thought of others enduring what I have because they are receiving the wrong treatment.

Good luck managing your condition. Either way, depression or BP, it is very treatable! Feel free to PM if you need anything!

DJ

I'd suggest going to counseling on a regular basis. It really does help, even if you are feeling good. Medication is only a small part in helping you heal. You have to do the rest, in conjunction with some good regular therapy, which I think will help a lot. You also need to make some changes, I think. Changing the way you do things or think about things will probably help you out a lot.

I think that working on issues, starting in early childhood would also help, since it sounds like your problems most likely started there.

back again....thank you for your comments...yeah, I had actually considered the possibility of BP2, I took the quiz on this website and it indicated that I could either have that or a mild depression. I always assumed depression and so did anyone I've seen b/c I had all the symptoms for it. I don't seem to have any of the symptoms for mania or even hypomania though. But what I have heard is athat BP disorder can present itself atypically via self-harm, eating disorders, etc before it settles into a more orthodox pattern. I've heard that mood stabilizers can have some pretty bad side effects though?

No, my depression isn't at the hospitalization point, I'm actually able to function perfectly fine, I'm a straight-A student, a competitive athlete, have plently going for me, so it doesn't seem fair that I managed to end up feeling like my head is about to explode. Am off to see my counsellor next week before I move...I had to get a top-up of my anti-d's yesterday and the dr decided to increase the dose slightly and I should try to see the counsellor before I go...think I will try to get some ongoing therapy once I move though...I'd really like to get to the bottom of this!!

The normal periods between your depressive episodes may be your "manias". It can be very subtle. That is how it is usually with me. I was dx'd depression for over 9 years before changing about a year ago. The cycling itself, really is the key, I think.

Mood stabilizers are like any other medicine in that they carry the potential for side effects. I'm taking plain old lithium carbonate and doing fine, though. A lot of people don't like it because you feel "slow" at first, but that goes away. Some folks are scared of Lamictal because it can cause a serious rash, but that is rare. I know several people whose lives have been radically improved by that one.

I guess I hate to see someone go through what I have for so long. Just food for thought! I hope you're doing great today!

DJ