[Distressed2010]

Don't know where to start. Had an abusive childhood, was molested by someone in the family for 7 years. My dad had me as a golden child till the age of 12, and my sisters always scapegoated me throughout my life. They still see me the way they want to till this day. It doesn't hurt as much as It used to because I have accepted the fact that they will never get me, why waste energy anymore.

I constantly think about my past, it makes me so angry. I feel my past is coming in between me living a fulfilled life. I suck at relationships, I feel. I can't deal with a guys past, have trust issues, and don't feel loved. If i feel like I'm developing feelings, I have to stop myself so I don't get too close, mostly this happens in the form of conflict from my end...

I try to make friends, but end up making aquaintences. I don't know what a friend is supposed to feel like... I feel disconnected even when I'm around others. Feel lonely constantly.

I'm pursueing what I always wanted to do careerwise in my life but I feel like I will never be able to feel loved.. don't have anyone who loves me either.. I feel super stressed because I feel i'll always be alone..

One major thing missing from my life is love and that's the only thing I just don't know how to get.. don't know whats going on with me.. I need you guys to help me out here, I cannot see a therapist, Im not in USA anymore and therapy here sucks, I've tried it (so please no suggestions to see someone, please)..

I can't think of a time when I was happy in life, ever. I don't think i know what it feels like to feel happiness. I feel different from the world... I want love, I want it so bad but then I'm scared of my strong feelings and passions that emerge in me when I fall for someone, I get very scared and start having trust issues and scared that all that will ruin what I have... which it has in the past..

I hate my past, I hate it so much. I feel super alone. My father is very very ill.. he was wonderful the first 12 years of my life then he also became abusive (wasn't sick bck then)... so that confused me a LOT!

I hate the fact that I couldn't have a loving sister or brother.. I hate the fact I cannot talk to anyone about anything, I'm scared of scaring them away...

I have family but feel like I have none, the family I have I cannot come close to anymore, way too dysfunctional, my parents were very critical throughout life, very negative.

I'm happy about the fact that I've sort of come away from being negative about my career... a pattern that I broke. But still there's a lot sadness in me about my past and the patterns that my past has given me that are so ingrained in me, they stop me from being close to anyone.

HELP!

[Rohag]

Hello, Distressed2010!

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

I constantly think about my past, it makes me so angry.

I have a personal project. I'm trying to figure out how I ended up the way I am. Part of the project involves attempting an autopsy of my whole family as a unit when I was growing up.

I really don't know where you can "start," but studying your family history as a dysfunctional system (not just individuals) may grant you useful insights. At least you might be able to build a framework for your anger.

All the best to you!