[simba11]

Hello Everyone
I’d like to share aspects about my life that I have never told a single soul. I hate myself – for as long as I can remember I have never been at peace with my actions or body. As a child I had the worst temper problems imaginable, and as a result I would constantly live in embarrassment. I remember beating my head with fists, or bruise my body in a rage to somehow channel out my regrets. I would feel so stupid, I hated my temper, I hated my awkward tall chubby body and I hated how perfect everyone else was. It wasn’t until middle school that my issues actually became problems. Having moved to a new state and being enrolled in my first public school, the pressure to be smart and beautiful was overpowering. Of course I felt I was neither which led me to stress eat and hate my body even more. In eighth grade I began wearing all black, adopted a punk attitude and began experimenting in cutting myself. Whenever my temper would flare up or I would feel inadequate I would viciously cut my arms and legs. I also experimented in self tattooing (none which lasted), and self-piercings – perhaps to still feel the rush without the stigma of useless pain? At the beginning of high school I decided to start fresh. I dressed in bright colors and jeans, trying to blend in with the average student and began marching band. Joining marching band was the best choice of my life, I gained more friends than I ever had and felt truly accepted. Throughout high school my temper almost altogether disappeared. Certain things would annoy me, but never to the previous extent. But the one thing that did remain was my low self-esteem and despise I held for myself. I had extreme highs where I’d be whistling, loud and be having the best of times, but the lows were the worst experiences. During these lows I began to scathingly berate and criticize myself to the point where I would feel so hollow and pathetic; even now I feel that my criticism is automatic and will always have a presence. I still cut and eventually my mom found out- that moment was probably the most mortifying instance in my life as of yet. She wanted to take me to a doctor but I lied, saying I was fine now. She didn’t let me take the scissors upstairs anymore, and was cautious about me closing my door. But I was patient. Eventually she believed my lies and I was free to inflict all the punishment and physical loathing that I wanted. Mind you, I would never commit suicide; I love my family too much, and this was my punishment not theirs. I shaped myself into the epitome of pathetic. But is this even wrong? If no one else knows about this, then why not deal with these things myself? I am a firm believer in independence, and would never dream of talking to anyone about myself prior to this. I am now a freshman in a no-name university, studying something that I most likely won’t get a job in and began a relationship with a friend that I’ve had for over four years. Everything comes crashing down at once and I feel like I am in a two inch by two inch box, as I have no privacy (roommate) to cut or be alone. I am so insecure that I cannot even talk to my partner to find out if we are actually in a relationship, or if I am just another booty-call. I hate myself, and in my low times my voice will habitually condemn everything just as it always has. I don’t feel good about myself so I cut, and when I cut I almost feel like I have a leg up on everything until it begins to scab over; then the sense of shame and loathing return. And what is the worst part about this? I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. My family always has and will love me, and my friends show as much support as they are able to. I am six foot tall, am told I have a pretty face, average BMI and I hate myself. Sometimes I think about instances where my having depression would actually make sense and I play these roles out in my head, such as my grandparents dying, or my mom dying – this is sick, I know it but I can’t stop. I know some people actually have deaths in the family, or are fighting terminal illnesses and I condemn myself even more for feeling this way without a damn reason. THIS is why I am a pathetic and empty shell. I am curious to read comments; I have never seen a doctor and probably will not. I almost feel relieved posting this, thank you all for reading I really appreciate it.

[saintpatrick]

Well I haven't done cutting but i think i understand. I feel really depressed and want to rid the pain. I keep playing the bad things thats happened to me which makes it hard to move forward. Obviously, its your choice to see a DR or not but I would at least try it once. Maybe they can help and maybe they are a bunch of idiots. who knows unitil ya try. Wish ya well