[Lexicon78]

You know, I've come a long way where hygiene is concerned. When I was little my mom said when it was time to clean up. It was always up to mom. Well, after I moved in with my dad when I was about 13 mom was no longer there to tell me when to bathe or anything like that. It was all up to me. I began getting severely depressed and that's when I started cutting. I never had the energy to bathe or clean up or any of that. It was all up to me whether things were cleaned or laundry was done. Before mom had done all of that. So since my mom was no longer there to tend to my needs, nobody did.

I rarely did my laundry, bathed once in a blue moon, and ate only when it was made for me. Otherwise I didn't do those things. Each day my depression got worse and worse. And you could tell, too. I started isolating myself really badly. Me and my step-sister were fighting at this time. I fought with her and my step-mother all the time. I hated them, especially the step-mother. So I just decided not to come out of my room unless I had to. My step-sister was very aggressive and very physical. I had never been physical a day in my life. So I guess you could say I was afraid of her. The whole time we were fighting, I stayed in my room. I had a cat in my room and his litterbox was in there, too. (The step-mother hated cats but they let me keep my cat in my room.) I just was so depressed and so scared that if I had to go to the bathroom, I just went in the litterbox. I didn't care anymore.

I guess when you're that low, you don't care how you look, smell, act, or any of that. Not a lot of people know about this part of my life. I mean what person will readily admit that they were scum? Needless to say, shortly after all of this was happening I was admitted into the local psych hospital. They made us shower twice a day, get all kinds of exams, and all of that. Well, I had lice when I went in and a yeast infection, but nothing else was wrong with me. It's funny that I could have been that dirty and through all my cutting, I never once had an infection. Back then I'd cut with anything...mostly dirty broken glass...and no infections ever.

Sometimes I am worried that I may go back to being scum again. Like when I'm depressed, a shower is the farthest thing from my mind, ya know? I am doing everything not to be like that again. I hope that no one here gets as bad as I was. I know everyone here gets really bad, but bad enough not to bathe for months upon months?

lexie, i think we all go through times when hygiene is the last thing on our minds. you've made huge progress and i think you're going to be just fine when it comes to showering and such. it took a lot of nerve to post and i applaud you for that. you're a brave young woman. love, pat

[kimmydawn]

i second pat's post!

KD

[Azalysa]

I third it!!

When I'm severely depressed it is such a struggle to do even simple, mundane things. Bathing and washing my hair seem to be the two that are especially difficult for some reason.

((((Lexicon}}}