VIolence in our life

Firstly, if this is inappropriate, please feel free to remove it, I do not wish to be banned from this resource.

I do not condone anything i am about to say or wish to give anyone advice.

I have been suicidal before.

Who out there is in the same boat?

Note, i am very well and happy now. This might be inspiration and hope for those who are struggling right now.

Take care, we are here for each other,

Signed, Sometimes

I have suicidal thoughts every day. I have acted on them before. Now I never and will never act on them.

You see I was once in a fantastic survivors support group in another state. I got to know many of my friends there and one of them succeeded in her efforts. On the aniversery of her death her mother (also a friend of mine) recieved by email a paragraph wrote by her daughter, my friend.

At that point in my life my son had been placed in foster care to wait for an opening in a residential treatment program. I couldnt see me living without my child and once again became suicidal to the point where I was acting on them and had every intention to succeed. I started isolating myself and acting on the suicidal urges every chance I knew I would be alone and no one could stop me.

Well my therapist, my survivor group friends and my best friend here in town caught on to what I was doing and were not about to let me go. They all knew this time I would succeed. So they rallyed together and held on to me as tight as they could.

my friend here in town started showing up unplanned at my appartment as did my therapist, they exchanged numbers as did the two closest group member frineds of mine in another state. Between the 4 of them I was kept very busy with phone calls, over nighters, and invites on errands. Then to top it off they each took time to tell me exactly what my leaving this world would do to them and my child and my friend the mother of the friend that died added the daughters opinion too by sending me a copy of the strength paragraph she had wrote to another friend and the mother had recieved on that aniversery. My friend the mother also reminded me of what we all felt and still feel because of that friends siucide. Basically they all gave me the biggest kick in the pants ever for being so selfish as to not consider my friends and my son by acting on my suicidal urges.

I spent almost nine months living in my mental safe place and leaving my body to run on automaic pilot of memory pieces and came back to the real world only to talk with those 4 people - my therapist at that time, my friend here in town and my 2 support group friendon the east coast. But I stopped acting on the urges and will never again act on them. I carry that paragraph with me to remind me of that time and the battle my 4 friends went through to keep me here, and most important what one friends suicidal action did to many so that I don't do the same to the very same people that love and care about me.

I still don't have my son home, he still requires the care of 24 hour therapy programs that residential treatment can give him so he remains listed as a part of the foster care program so that he can recieve the help he needs. In the meantime I hold on as best I can by writing my books, and with the help of my friends, a good therapist, a terrific physician, and all the resources so that I can find to make sure I am at my best by the time he can come home.

Thankyou for sharing that with us.

I am glad you had so much good support from your friends and your therapist. I'm glad you could learn a lesson from somebody else who suicided. Her (was it a her?) life was not in vain, then.

I understand you feel very bad about what you did/have done. Personally i don't feel overwhelmingly bad, but there are complex reasons why. Some people look at those who attempt to suicide and think they are the SCUM of society. That is because they don't understand. THere is no need to feel ashamed, in certain circumstances suicidal ideation is a normal feeling. Look around you at the people who are here and struggling with it.

I'm glad things have gone well, all up, for you. All the best with your son.

Peace be with you,

Regards,

Sometimes

I've been in this boat in the past.

I'm still in the healing process. Sometimes when I get upset I'll take some pills. I don't know what I think it'll do. It's not like it helps anything.

Your welcome. Yes the person was a her - Dorene Boynton anyone can visit the memorial webpage with a guest book that a friend of hers from school put up. Just type her name in the search engine. It is a pink memorial page. I find it quickest by going to Yahoo and then typing in her name in the search bar. It is the first search result. and no Dorenes life is not gone for nothing, and she will never be forgotten. She was a very specil woman who spent her short life helping other survivors, all kinds.

Yes I know suicide thoughts are normal and all around. I belive suicide thoughts are ok but acting on them is wrong. I am not ashamed of my thoughts I still have my ups and downs but I will never again act on my thought of suicide.

Lexicon, honey, let me translate you post in the way that I read it.

The past is the present. I do not let myself enjoy pleasure (i hurt myself) i give up. i've started counting down the days (i'm preparing myself to die. I feel too serious.

I have open wounds (the pain won't go away) I want to take drugs to take the pain away, i feel too much. I don't want to die. I don't want to.

Some things to say about this.

1. The past is always relevant. It makes us who we are. Do not feel bad for that.

2. Let yourself go and look for the things you enjoy. This includes sex.

3. When you give up, look to others for help. We all need support. Who do you have in your life who can support you?

4. You will die when you are ready. You don't need to prepare yourself for it, it will just come. Make some other plans in your life, look to the future and try to make it better, make it enjoyable.

5. Some people are more serious than others. If this is you, it is completely ok. If laughing makes you feel uncomfortable, not assuming it does, then you don't have to laugh. On the other hand, if you let yourself go, you may just find a part of you that enjoys a laugh.

6. Everyone is sensitive, just some people choose to hide it more than others. Maybe you are sick of hiding it. Do not be afraid to cry.

7. When the body has a wound, it will heal. Give it time. You CAN heal.

8. There is this great quote "pain is preferable to numbness" Believe this, It is better to feel pain, then to feel nothing. Once we are aware of the pain, we can work on ways to relieve it. Become aware of it and ask...what will make this go away?

9. There is no-one in your life who wants you to die. If they make you feel like that, they are probably JEALOUS as all hell. You don't have to die, it is your choice. Take that choice into your hands and take responsibilty for your life. No-one can do this for you.

I hope i have been of some help.

All my love and take care,

Sometimes

Dear myself, let me tell you what your post says to me:

"Thankyou. She was very feminine, but she is dead now. I want you to pay your respects to her, this is how to do it. It is a beautiful gift for her. I am alive because of her, she will live on in me. She loved people and was a pleasure to know.

I am very used to feeling suicidal. The right thing to do is to give things time. It is my feelings i am ashamed of, it's like a rollercoaster (it makes me quiver with fear and excitement.) I have already killed myself."

How can i help you?

1 I will visit the page

2. I want you to know that i owe my life to people too, my mum and sister for rescuing me from the doors of death. My psychiatrist for loving me and letting me have any medecations i wanted. My role model, Matt who i wanted to be like and believe i could. And myself, for following through with my wishes. I believe we all owe our lives to other people. Humans are inter-dependant.

3. Normalcy breeds resistance. Good for you. Time is invaluable. To be human is to feel, what do you have strong feelings about in your life? A person, certain practices or beliefs, a habit? These things are important to us. Alow yourself to feel, others around you will adjust to your style of expression.

4. Are you scared of rollercoasters or do you like them? Are you scared of life or do you like it? Or both? Maybe seek thrills a little more, if this is what you like. If you are scared, take it slowly and expose yourself to your fears slowly.

5. Sorry, you have had a/some suicide attempts? I don't remember. Chances are you are not dead. I know you exist because you make me feel things. Has somebody ripped your heart out, so to speak, hurt you so bad you can't feel anything? Listen to your heart, it is still there. You will learn to love again. Take this letter as an offering of my love (not romantic love). You are loveable.

I hope this can be of some help.

All my love and take care,

Sometimes

No I am not saying I am used to feeling suicidal. You said suicidal ideations was normal and I was agreeing with you. They are normal. Everyone at some point in their lives have said or thought of suicide at least everyone I have ever come in contact in my 40+ years of life.

You asked if the friend that died was a her and I said yes.

I am not expecting you or anyone to go and pay their respects, I have posted the paragraph she wrote on this website and others and as a result I get asked about her so now I automatically post where her memorial is for those that would like to read about her.

Yes I am alive because of her love for life AND my friends who cared to lay it all on the line for me.

Yes a part of her lives on with me just like it does with every person she met in her lifetime. And I don't put a but in saying she is dead. That to me is discounting or saying her life was not important.

No I am not ashamed of my feelings. Nowhere in either of my posts have I said I was ashamed of my feelings. If I was I wouldn't be posting about them. Shame or being ashamed means to hide or want to hide because it is wrong. there is nothing wrong with my having thoughts of suicide.

No I did not say my suicidal thoughts is like a rollercoaster. The thoughts are ALWAYS there. My ups and downs comes come from the fact that my son is not here and I miss him not from the thoughts of suicide.

No I do not quiver with fear and excitement. Death niether frightens or excites me. Death is a fact of life with me plain and simple. In fact I accept that I have two terminal deseases and I know I AM going to die. What I am saying is that my death is NOt going to come by way of my taking my life. I care too much for my friends to take my life. When (not if) When I die it will be because of the two terminal illnesses that I have.

Since I am typing this obviously I have not already killed myself

As for how can you help me - you cannot. I did not respond to your post expecting you to help, analys or fix me If you know anything about me by way of my posts and blog you already know I have years ago given up on the "someones got to fix me stage" I have to help myself and I am doing that by way of keeping myself on my plans - physical and mental set up by myself, my family physician and my therapists along the way.

I responded because you asked if anyone besides you had suicidal thoughts. People respond to posts here to let eachother know they are not alone and other people are listening, not to have each other play therapy and fix each other.

no to me normalcy does not breed resistance. I have done nothing for the last 5 years but to work my therapy plans not resist them so that I can have a more normal life. Resistance by dictionary definition means not doing something or anything, fighting against getting well. I choose learn about my problems and take care of them not for short term but forever. Therefore I am not resisting.

As for allowing myself to feel I have spent the last 5 years 24/7 learning how to let myself feel. And I don't worry about other people liking or disliking my style of expression. If I did I wouldn't be publishing three books, posting the information that I do on message boards or blogs running a survivors group in real life and being in on line support and therapy groups. I KNOW I have alot to offer people and they can take or leave what I offer which is their choice.

I neither like nor dislike rollercoasters since I have no memory of being on any fair ground roller coasters.

Seek thrills - Hey lets see I've seen the statue of liberty, the grand canyon, Hoover Dam, Niagra Falls, Saw Crystal Gayle in concert and met her back stage, Saw Loretta Lynn in concert along with one of her daughters and met her daughter after the concert, Participated in testifying before a state task force on rape and sexual assault where my input went into proposals and became a part of new laws for that state, Went into prison systems as a guest speaker for inmate rape offenders programs, Participated in many jr high and high schools as a guest speaker on rape and sexual abuse, In the process confronted my abuser, participated in helping other survivors,lawyers, doctors, therapy professionals put together a workshop on sexual abuse, participated in a county child abuse council, went up against a DHS caseworker for breaching the federal law HIPPA and other breaches of state and county mental health rules and ethics and won the caseworker can no longer work as a social worker for the state, Gave birth to a beutiful child who I was told I would never be able to carry and deliver, Wrote three books that are now ready for publishing, graduated high school and college, recieved the colleges leadership award, participated as a vollunteer on two hotlines, worked and developed with my therapist my 24/7 therapy program for my DID that included and still does include researching, contacting professionals in the field of DID, art therapy, awareness therapy, journaling, work books and text books, relaxation therapy, and so much more which has basically put 10 years of therapy into a 3 years time frame, at times I also open my door to other survivors that need a place in emergency situations while getting hooked up with emergency services in the communitys. .. Shall I go on with my lifes accomplishments and thrills?

Do I love life yea I sure do otherwise I wouldnt be here today. Im the one doing the work to keep me here.

As for if someone has ever hurt me again if you have read any of my posts and my blog and understood them then you would already have your answer so theres no need for me to rewrite my posts and blog to answer that question here on this thread.

Even though you misunderstood (or should I say took a totally off track attempt to psychoanalys) most of what I was saying I am glad it meant something in your way of thinking. and good luck to you.

You wrote a long reply! I don't want to reply right now, but i will when i have time to think about it. I'm glad you have been checking this post.

All the best,

Sometimes

I agree. I tend to have thoughts of suicide when I stress out or experience high levels of emotional pain. Now, I do think that I took them to be so normal that I just plain ignored them. I suspect that wasn't a smart approach. But, most everyone that I know (rarely do I have the guts to ask unless I think they are a little abnormal) have had thoughts of suicide. I am thinking now that I will try to use the thoughts as a way to know when I am stressing out to the point of "the cry baby from the blue lagoon." That is my nickname for how I respond when am stressed. Now of course, I have found a new way to respond. I have nicknamed it "the cry baby from the blue lagoon with a side order of anxiety." HeHe! I am in good mood and hope it lasts.

Myself...i've prepared a little translation for you. I don't want you to feel embarrassed, exposed or threatened, as people often do. I did it cos i enjoy it, and i think it is helpful.

This is what i believe your....long, long, post said.

"You are so thoughtful. Thankyou. You are special. You are too young to be suicidal.

I loved her

I visit it all the time. I feel responsible for her death because she had no-one else in her life.

I miss her. I want to die just so i can see her. My life is nothing without her.

I want to die. But i'm scared. I think i'm bipolar cos i want to be young again.

I love life. I don't want it to end. But it will one day. It makes me sad. I thinks i will die very soon. I will miss my son. I would prefer to suicide.

Do you have any suggestions?

I feel desperate. You are smart. I like talking to you and want you to know everything.

You've been suicidal too, just like me.

I'm sick of this. I feel incapable. I read your post intently. I always do. But i get scared.

I am hurting. People ignore me. I do a lot for other people, but they don't give me the respect i deserve.

I love thrills, i'm a thrill-seeker.

What a good idea, i can never get enough.

You are so caring, i love you. You help me want to live.

Don't hurt yourself, you have so much to offer.

You should be a psychologist. That is your calling."

Cheers!!!! I will post advice when i get around to it.

Regards,

Sometimes

Here is what your posts are saying to me -

This person is a "post for attention not help and support"

Solution - ignore

She never asked for help? So you didn't give her the attention she was after? Oh dear! You must be feeling so much guilt and remorse! Take care, she made a choice and you were not responsible for it. Everyone has regrets but they exist because we make mistakes and that is the nature of hindsight. We can never learn without making mistakes. Perhaps you can be more sensitive to those who care about you and you care about back, in your life at the moment, and let them know you love them and are there for them. Maybe you had too many problems of your own to be there for her, maybe it was someone else's mistake to not see she was having difficulties. Maybe it was someone else's mistake.

I was talking to someone who has been raped and they were feeling angry.

I put together some ideas for letting out that anger.

It might be good for feelings in general. Here is a little list

. art
2. taking him/her to court
3. music
4. poetry
5. finding people who have been through the same thing and sharing experiences (as upsetting as that might be)
6. posting on here, in appropriate forums
7. Talking to a therapist
8. reading
9. crying
10.sport
11.self defense
12. writing a letter to the person who abused you, and telling them how it made you feel and that it has affected you profoundly

Anything that works for you? Please share!