I'm a fraud

I started a job a couple years ago that involved working with kids with special needs in their home and community. One of the kids that I was assigned to work with was an 8 year old girl with autism. I very quickly fell in love with this little girl and her family. They are amazing. I have an amazing connection with this little girl. When I was promoted to supervisor, I continued to do direct care with this child because she and her family mean so much to me.

After my shift with the child yesterday, I stayed for a while and her mom and I talked about different things, which is normal. Then, like usual, she walked me out to my car and gave me a hug. I feel honored that they have allowed me to be part of their and their child's life. As I drove away, I had these horrible feelings of being fake. I have been struggling a great deal with depression and SI over the past couple of months, and this family doesn't know about my current or past struggles with depression. I feel like they don't know the real me.

Lately I have been having sui thoughts, and honestly the only person keeping me from acting on them is this child's mom. I don't want to hurt her. She has shared with me that she worries that someday I might move away because she and her daughter don't want me out of their lives. I couldn't imagine her reaction if I were to go through with the sui thoughts. Not to mention, this mom had a daughter that was killed 10 years ago in a car accident, and that was extremely difficult for her. I wouldn't want my death to cause her more pain, especially since she has two kids with autism to care for. I hate all this pain that I am in, and I want it to end, but I feel guilty about having these thoughts when I am with this family. After all this mom has been through the death of two children (one was still born, the other in a car accident), has two kids with autism, as well as many other struggles, and she is so positive. I haven't had nearly the amount of grief or struggles she has had, and yet I want to give up.

I don't want to have to be fake with this family. I want them to be able to know the real me, but I am afraid of what the reaction would be if they found out that I struggle with depression.

(((hugs!))) hey, you are not a fraud okay!
I understand you, sometimes it can feel like a horrible secret. But it's not, its something very personal to you, it's your choice who you open up to, opening up is a big deal sometimes.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Also, as supportive you are to them, if they found out most likely shed just want to try and be there for you. They clearly care.
Keep posting on here if it helps, I'm listening, we all are.
Thinking of you, hugs, jess x

You are a normal person with an illness. That's all....and you care very much!! Nothing fake about you I'd say. You are showing the real you. Its not necessary to divuge any info on an illness you have....and remember its an illness, nothing more!!

Keep up the wonderful work and caring that you do

When my T told me he gets depressed, that was a breakthrough for my therapy and for our relationship. It made it easier for me to relate to him, made me feel less like he's this perfect guy that has it all figured out, and i'm just a piece of stupid defective junk that effs everything up. so it might really be a gift.

Hi Agma,

Actually you are not a fraud, you are a special person who has the gift of helping children grow. I think teaching is a wonderful job, and as a teacher I will tell you that I learn as much from the kids each day as they do from me. If you are a fraud, then I am, too. I have been teaching for 20 years, and I have never shared my mental illness with my students, parents, or administrators. I try to keep my meds updated, and attend therapy, so there is no need to share. It would not be productive in the growth of my students, actually it may harm them in that they would have to process my needs.
I do not hide my mental illness from everyone. The members of my church family as well as close friends are aware of my occasional struggles with bp. I try to use my story as a way to help others with their struggles. Last year a leader in our church, and close friend, committed sui., and since then I have worked as hard as I can to expose my ups and downs for others to see that sad times don't have to be destructive.
Sorry, I told too much of my story, but I want you to know that I am so happy that you are willing to invest yourself in this mother and child!

Hugs!!!
Bluemountains

Thanks for all of your replies. I guess sometimes it is very hard for me to separate myself from my depression. My depression just seems so consuming right now. Hopefully my meds will start working soon.

Depression to me is - Something that tells me many things, you are fake, things are hopeless, I am no good to anyone and so on. Do not listen to these thoughts they are not reality. Look at your post and see the good things you have written. You are good at your job, you care for others, you are helpful, you are a teacher and you understand how others live through life. YOU ARE DOING AN AWESOME JOB.

Depression is an illness that we have to fight everyday. Some days harder than others.

Do you need to tell these people of your illness? I am going to say no. I know that getting close to my counselor is a no no just because of the professional guide lines.

SI is what or illness wants from us - do not give in to it. Fight back you are a person that we need on earth. Thanks for posting and may tomorrow be better.

Thank goodness they are there for you even if they don't know it. with my depression it was my cat what would she do without me? It is good to have something to keep us from this sick disease called depression. Like depressedalaskan said don't listen to to those thoughts they are what is fake! Keep up the good work you are needed and a good person. Sending hugs and good vibes your way.