[Echo15]

I am a 21 year old guy in need of some advice, I don't know if I should visit a doctor or try something else. I just spent the last few hours writing all this out, so sorry if it's a bit long (or not allowed):

Part One - Childhood
Grandmother passed away mid Grade 6
· Went from being super hyper to complete opposite
· Started to get bullied because I didn't talk much
· Was in love with a girl but then something happened and suddenly I wasn't attracted to anyone anymore
· Can't remember most of middle school, feels like I was just going through the motions, my brain wasn't actually there
· Was known as the guy who never talks
· Had 2 school friends, only one real friend all the way into high school
· only friend transfers to another school without even saying goodbye
· Had absolutely no friends and no one to talk to in all of Grade 11
· Had one classroom friend in Grade 12, but we stopped talking

Part Two - Realization
· Went to a college far away from home
· Thought things would be different, they weren't
· I was fine for the first 2 months, went to class everyday and participated in events
· Went to see a movie called "Where the Wild Things Are", then everything started going downhill
· Movie was about a boy who ran away from home because he thought no one loved him, but he realized in the end that people did care for him, and he returned home
· Movie hit close to home, too close
· Started skipping classes, sleeping in, only showing up for certain ones
· Went to see same movie 4 more times
· Couldn't keep eyes open in class, never had that happen before
· Started eating way more than usual, at least one large bag of chips a day, 2 subs/pizza, 2 bottles of pop, 2 energy drinks, 2 breakfast sandwiches and so on
· Felt like I was losing my mind, I was trapped
· One morning I walked into town on what was probably the coldest day of the year wearing only a hoodie and wet hair, I don't think I was thinking at all
· Would wander aimlessly around town, not really going into stores or buying anything, just walking around the parking lot
· On the last night after I saw the movie I was waiting for the bus to come, it was pitch black and this man started walking towards me, he tells me he has just been mugged and wants money for the bus, thankfully I packed extra in case I lost mine. This felt like a dream, it couldn't be real
· 2nd grandmother passed away
· Started sleeping on days and being awake at night
· One night some drunk college guys started banging on my door, saying they were from the front desk, I was so scared I locked myself in the bathroom. I was out of it
· Told the school I was leaving
· Told my parents I was coming home
· I still think I actually lost my mind while I was there, I don't want to think what would have happened if I stayed any longer

Part Three - Recovery
· Came home from school and hardly recognized inside of house
· Slept for two days straight
· After I month parents suggested I work a night shift instead of cashier because of car availability
· Night shift was terrible, everyone that worked there were the complete opposite of my personality
· I started crying at the end of my shift before I even went home, it was like being in high school all over again
· I quit after a month, and then stopped looking for work
· About 3 months later I started looking for work
· Got a job back as a cashier at same store
· Was back in my comfort zone

Part Four - Do Cheaters Prosper?
· Applied at a technical school for an IT course
· Was fine for first month but started having trouble paying attention
· Started cutting back hours, more than I was supposed to
· Started eating more than usual again, buying large bags of chips everyday
· Failed first test, passed on retake
· Teacher started letting my use my textbook to take tests, I didn't ask to
· So in reality I never passed the course, I just skimmed through, I didn't actually accomplish anything

Part Five - Present
· I have no motivation to apply for a new job
· I believe that if I get a new job, I will fail at it
· Who would want to hire someone who is lazy and complains all the time
· I believe I should move out and yet I'm afraid that I won't make it alone, I keep remembering what happened at college
· Want a car but can't save money
· New place, new car, new job. These things are stressing me out beyond my limit
· I'm not able to leave my comfort zone, I'm afraid I will fail just like what happened with college and night shift
· Certain things keep triggering my memory of college, it's like I can't escape it
· When I'm bored I eat, when I play games I eat, when I watch movies I eat. It's like I'm never satisfied until I feel sick
· I don't like being alone at home because that's when I think and sometimes my thoughts get out of control
· I see no future for myself, I want everything and yet I don't want to have to do anything to get it

Work Symptoms: Anxiety, feeling trapped, headaches on back of neck, sweating, instant anger, slamming things, swearing under breath, no patience, eyelid twitching, can't look people in the eye

Home Symptoms: Eating large amounts of food in short time, buying things I don't need online, drinking energy drinks, feeling even too tired to sit down, lack of attention span (can't play games/watch TV without doing something else at the same time), boredom, lay in bed a lot on laptop, think out loud

I just want to be happy, what should I do?

[Mylifeisdepressing]

I wish I knew how to help you, but I haven't been through the same problems (I'm 13) however I know how painful and difficult depression can make things. All I can say is maybe you can find something to help you release your pain, and get out the emotions. It can help to cope and kind of figure yourself out a little more. What do you like to do? What are you good at, what makes you feel happy? For me it is music and writing. If you don't know yet, try to find something. Good luck, hope things get better

Hello Echo15, welcome to PC.

My personal opinion is that you would benefit from seeing a professional, even if it's just to figure out what you want out of life and how to go for it. Who you see depends on what you want. Therapy seems like it would really benefit you, so a therapist or psychologist would be good for that. Maybe they'll have the opinion that medication would be helpful, or some other form of treatment. Who knows? The only way you'll be able to find out though, and make progress, is if you take that first step to speak with a professional.

Good luck to you.

[dragonfly2]

Sorry to hear you've been struggling for so long. It sounds like you may benefit from seeing a doctor or a therapist. You could even print out what you have written - there is a lot of information there that would be helpful to a clinician to give them a good sense of what things have been like for you. Symptoms of depression, overeating, feeling like you're in a dream - these can all be important details.

It doesn't have to be this way for you. I'm not sure how you would go about finding a counselor or doctor in Canada (I'm in the US), but you could probably start with your regular doctor and go from there. They can probably refer you to a mental health clinician.