[Zavaron]

Right let's get on the main point shall we?
I've been having thoughts of death since secondary/high school but they've been growing stronger ever since then when college started.
Always in the back of my mind~
Never leaving as such but sometimes I don't even realize I'm thinking about it? I often zone out on those around me.
In short I feel like I live in a movie and I'm simply the camera guy.

If anyone's seen the musical Rent and know the character that is Mark - that sums me up really or at least a part of me, really well - such as the two songs Will I and Halloween from it.

Anyway at the moment I'm in a pleasant mood surprisingly which doesn't happen often and even though I don't feel anything, I simply don't care.

At this point I would just like to point - yes I have thought of killing myself but I can't because my morals stop me and so does my one true purpose and I often find you need a purpose to live - it can be anything. Love. Money. Power. Anything at all. No matter what as long as there's a purpose there's a reason to live. - so that's my part and my purpose for living is to inspire people.

So if I my boldly ask? What is your purpose/purposes for living?

Anyway back to the point if I can remember the point that is?

Right well earlier today when I woke up I was in a depressive state it comes and it goes - it lasts nearly the whole day except for an hour or so.

I suppose I really should say why I was in a depressive state but I'm not sure exactly but my guesses are that I feel used and useless to an extent and that I want to run away from it all?

Anyway I haven't been diagnosed with anything then again no one has ever diagnosed me. I've been to my first consoling lesson? Is it lesson or season? Or is it both? Lesson? Season mhm but anyway! I went there because the thoughts I were having kept on growing and growing.

That lesson? Season? Was a 'Emergency' so I was really lucky there but from that one lesson the consular is already thinking that I might have 'Moderate Depression' but she's not sure yet and after one/two more seasons/lessons she wants me to go to the doctor's.

She's also picked up my hands shake alot for some reason and she mentioned something but i forgot what it is.

I think i might of gone off the point a bit, oh well!

[pegasus]

Welcome Zavaron, I alm pleased that you were able to share a bit with us here at Psych Central. Try not to think of your therapy as a lesson but as someone on the same level as you giving you a helping hand to a brighter future. Please keep sharing with us your thoughts and feelings. We understand.