lies lies lies, anger, death, anger.. help!

Hello,

I'm struggling with A LOT of anger inside me. A LOT. My father passed away two months back, I miss him SO much. I think of him everyday, more so, I think of the time of the funeral and his last days at the hospital. I still feel he's there in his house although I haven't been back to that house since but in my head it still feels he's there. Thats one end.

THe other is this guy that I started seeing right before my dad passed away. We got on pretty intensely, for a month I saw him EVERY day... then all of a sudden we had a fight I yelled at him and he backed off. All this time I felt so bad that I messed up something that I never had felt with anyone else.
Well I find out now, 3 months later, the girl he always said was his sister is actually his gf. So he lied to me. I also found out, that he really played a lot of mind games with me during the time my dad was in the hospital and even after. He told me he'd come see me when I was a mess after my dad passed away, and stood me up. Last week, he still had the balls to message me and ask how i was doing after he stood me up a month and a half ago. I didn't respond.

BUT. I can't let it go. I am so so so angry. SO angry. I don't know if this anger is coming from losing my dad, or this guy, or a combination. I feel like until I don't say stuff to this guy I wont' get rid of the anger. But if i say stuff to him, he will feel a lot better to see that I noticed that he had a gf and that it still bothers me. I don't want to give him that satisfaction.

What do i DO? How do i let go of this anger? I also keep getting sick from lack of nutrition. I'm dealing with grief all by myself. My mom is in another country, I love her but she just doesn't get me. My sisters have always been mean to me all my life, invalidating me always. Please help.

Oh, please no suggestions for a T. Please. Thanks!

You are lucky to be free of this jerk. Put all your feelings of the bf down on paper as a letter, be nasty, say whatever you want to say to this jerk. Put it in an envelope and give yourself a week to decide whether to mail it or not.

I am so sorry you are in grief right now for your father.

I'm sure a lot of your feelings right now are tied up in grief for your Dad. If I were you, I think your emotional well-being would be best spent on yourself and the grieving process....after all your Dad deserves your love and emotional energy. Hang a no-vacancy sign out to the jerk...he has no business in your thoughts and
in your life right now. A person who is grieving cannot add a lot of other junk in their life when attending to their sorrow. That's an overload and hitting your head against a brick wall. Hugs, bj

Thank you so much! That's another part that makes me angry, he comes into my thoughts. i try to let go but then I get angry. SO i feel double angry, 1. at what he did, 2. wasting my thoughts on a jerk like that.

Unfortunately, writing a letter and not sending it to the person has never helped. On the other hand, knowing him. If i write something 1. he will be happy that he got to me and he might see it as a sign of boosting his own ego that I thought of him and 2. he will go around showing everyone he knows (we work in the same industry) about what I wrote to him and will make me seem like the crazy one.

So that's really why I can't send it off to him and if i don't say stuff to him, I can't release this anger. I go to the gym 6 times a week, it doesn't really help. I want some sort of justice. Like I want him to pay, I'm so so so angry. I would never play with someones feelings, especially in a time like this. He'd tell me he's coming to see me, and then not show up. Then, i find out theres that girl that was always there...It feels so much like crap when you have no one, you're grieving, and you trust that one person that has promised you who will be there, and he also doesn't show up. You feel like at the bottom of the ground, more like below the ground. I hate him so much. AND then he has the balls to text me and ask me HOW i am? all the same time while he has his gf up on his facebook display picture?

You are currently dealing with a great loss in your life. Please take time and allow yourself to grieve losing your dad. I am so thankful and grateful that my dad is still alive, but I know I will be a total basket case when he is gone.

Please believe that this BF is not the right person for you at this time. Feel angry if you need to - but also realize that anger is a part of grieving. And right now, I suspect you are angry that your dad is gone. NORMAL response.

Take care of yourself. Let the junk of life fall by the wayside for now.

Distressed, have you heard the saying; Whatever Goes Around, Comes Around!"
Leave it to karma, god, higher power to deal with this....and what if his gf found out about his wondering eye. I'm not suggesting you tell her...but eventually he will pay
and maybe you will even get to witness this. A womanizer usually gets caught
somewhere down the line. Now isn't that a comforting thought? LOL

I know... I do believe in karma. I guess I'm also angry at the fact that he took part of my attention from my father. Or it could also be that I trusted him during that time (he was in another city then) and i expressed my emotions about my dad in him. I just needed someone to comfort me. I didn't have any support. My mom was going through her own grief and I didn't want to put any pressure on her, and my sisters have always been very indifferent to me. One of my sisters compared my pain to my other sister, saying she probably is gonna have the most trouble with dad going since they live in he same town. ??
So, I just didn't know where to look for support. He didn't give me much support but he did respond to my texts. And then he turned out to be this way, which makes me angry because for 3 months I did put my energy into him, I didn't see him these past 3 months but he played an infinite amount of mind games with me which kept me guessing and thinking and wondering

Now i'm angry that 1. I've been played 2. I felt guilty for something small as shouting at him, when it was him all along lying and he enjoyed making me feel guilty 3. He took my thoughts away from my father 4. he stood me up at a time like this and made me feel like I was at the bottom of the earth. He gave me hope and disappeared.

I guess theres just a double layer of anger in me. ONe from my dad going and one from this guy. The problem is also that we work in the same industry so when i come across people from the industry, I wonder oh do they know him...?

And he's very good at storytelling, so i start getting paranoid, wonder what he told them about me. Because he has told this one girl something, she suddenly cut me off for no reason right after him and I had that small fight. And this i can say with 100% confirmation!

I also can't stop thinking that my dad is still there in his house in his room, like he's gonna be back or something. At the same time, I know he's gone and I cry every day. Will I always think that he's still there? Does this mean I haven't accepted that he's gone?

I lived with my dad and took care of him the whole year that he was sick before he died. After that, I would hear the outer door slam around 5:30 (we had a condo) and would expect him to walk in from work. I had a year to prepare for his death. I watched them take Dad from the house after he died at home, but I still expected to see him at 5:30. It took months for that feeling to go away.

You have only had two months to adjust and grieve. Give it some time and the feeling that he's still home should pass.

Are you worried about gossip at work????

The only thing I can suggest to you is to hold your head up high. You may not have had this association with him if it was not for your grief....He's certainly an immature young man if he brags at work.(Is that
what's worrying you?). Of course his lying about being available is very wrong.

My bet Depressed, everyone already knows what a conniving creep he is...as you
said one woman blew him off on something he was saying. As I said earlier, keep your head up. Your sense of decency should remain strong, and don't bow your head to anyone over this. a mistake, you have learned from....look everyone in the eye and don't give any leverage to anyone about what he possibly said. Also, don't let yourself get paranoid over this and continue to heal in a healthy way.

Being vulnerable after loosing a loved one is something we all are. Don't beat yourself up over this; as likely this would have not taken place except for that vulnerability.
Needing someone to talk to and share your feelings with.... that's natural. Picking the wrong person to share that with...that's likely true for a lot of us.
Take your pride and dignity to work with you, he's scum!!

Hugs, bj