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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 05:41 AM
#1
I sit by myself staring at a wall. My mind is blank. My hand poised with the gun in my hand. The question is why do I not squeeze the trigger slowly and let my self feel numb permanently? There are a few reasons. I would not want to have someone find my body with my head blown all over the wall. Setting a permanent horror image in someone's mind for the rest of their lives is not an ideal thing to me. Suicide does hurt people but I don't want them to have reoccuring dreams about walking in on a guy with no head.
I don't want to know that my friends are crying. Girls crying... is possibly the one thing that can reduce me to wanting to beat my own face in for being such a hoser. It's so hurtful to know that you did something that made a girl cry holy crap worst feeling in the world. And well all the people I thought were my friends are girls and would cry. I recently read an email from Erin to my brother. I shouldn't have read it I know but it was just open and she said to him at one point "That boy has made me cry more than anyone I know". It hurts to think about that... really does. I can never truly express what I feel to you because even the most eliquent of words will not be suffice. I recently had someone let me come stay with them in a week but the deal was that I wasn't allowed to try to kill myself for at least 2 months after. The sad thing is that I am counting down the days. I realized why I come to this site. It's not that I want people to help I just want to feel like someone gives a crap about me and wants to appreciate what I have to say. I am looking to be surrounded by people that give a crap and want to listen. I want to get back into this site and the new people so I am really going to try to. I know lots of you hate my posts or dislike me for this or that. The truth is that I don't give a [censored] so why voice it? Who ever [censored] did that in the other post I would like to say to shut the hell up from now on but I forget their name so you know who you are. I am who I am as some of you know you either like it or you don't. See you around hope a car [censored] hits me. Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice __________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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New Member
Member Since Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 5
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 08:11 AM
#2
dude, I know just how you are feeling. Isn't that great? Someone else feels that if it were not for the others around us, we would choose to die right now. My friends and family won't let me die either. This forum helps me to have an outlet for my really dark feelings. Calling hot lines just makes me think the police will take me away. This has been a great help. Keep posting.
Cynthia Ryan __________________ Cynthia Ryan |
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Elder
Member Since May 2001
Location: US
Posts: 6,684
23 
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Nov 30, 2003 at 09:45 AM
#3
Post deleted by darkeyes
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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 11:24 AM
#4
Well I am inpressed Ascin and Darkeyes. Your posts rock because it's been exactly what I have been looking for at this site, some people that I can relate to in a very major way. Thanks for being outwright with why you guys are suicidal, its a breath of fresh air compared to all the covering up horse [censored] that I have seen here. Ascin you put it best by saying "It gives me a little outlet for my darkside". I do like that about this site. More often than not I can speak my mind here without someone ridiculing me for being to descriptive or so negative or whatever their problem may be with me.
I am house sitting at the most amazing house this week and I am having the time of my life but what I realize though is that no amount of money or distractions can take the problems away. I still feel like dying and I have been doing all the things I love... Playing soccer, coming home and having a shower... then relaxing on these leather couches watching a 54 inch TV. Problem is there are moments when nothing goes on and depression hits me up side the head and reminds me "Hey kid your [censored] up... there's a knife in the kitchen go cut yourself". Anyway thanks for your two cents Darkeyes and Ascin for your opinion and thoughts as well. Talk to you soon. Ian Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice __________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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Elder
Member Since May 2001
Location: US
Posts: 6,684
23
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Nov 30, 2003 at 11:53 AM
#5
Post deleted by darkeyes
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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 12:02 PM
#6
See things always go down like that. People seem to start being friendly to you and then suddenly turn on you and say "Maybe you shouldn't say this and that..". I'll say what I want and I choose to stay I have high hopes for at least one other me out there that I can connect with.
Ian Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice __________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 12:04 PM
#7
AS I've told you before, no I do not take meds. I will never take meds or seek professional help ever again. I am trying to make up my own alternatives to it, such as the "Growth Group" idea.
Ian Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice __________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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Elder
Member Since May 2001
Location: US
Posts: 6,684
23
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Nov 30, 2003 at 12:16 PM
#8
Post deleted by darkeyes
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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 12:25 PM
#9
I don't know what your goal is here but by pretending that you didn't say the thing about how I reffer to "Here" in a sarcastic and insulting tones and maybe I should stop that...
You went and edited it out so I can't exactly quote it now can I? Ian Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice __________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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Most Legendary Elder
Member Since Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 22,211
(SuperPoster!)
20 397 hugs
given
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Nov 30, 2003 at 12:58 PM
#10
Posted very clearly on the board:
<font color=red>Mental Health >> Depression (info) No suicidal posts, please.</font color=red> What more does it take to understand the meaning??  He's making a list and checking it twice...
__________________ Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 01:03 PM
#11
Hey September how about you read my post on what I think that means so that I don't have to re explain it to you.
Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice __________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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Most Legendary Elder
Member Since Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 22,211
(SuperPoster!)
20 397 hugs
given
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Nov 30, 2003 at 01:29 PM
#12
What part of "NO" don't you understand, Ian?? It seems you have trouble with that word!!
He's making a list and checking it twice...
__________________ Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2003
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 47
20 |
Nov 30, 2003 at 01:30 PM
#13
Post deleted by foolish
__________________ Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice |
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Most Legendary Elder
Member Since Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 22,211
(SuperPoster!)
20 397 hugs
given
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Nov 30, 2003 at 01:49 PM
#14
That's where you problem lies, Ian. "NO" always means "NO"!!
You need to read your Bill of Rights under the Constitution. You, as an individual have the freedom to express your opinions but CONGRESS cannot pass a law denying you that right. I, as an individual, have the right to deny you the right to say ANYTHING when you are in my house. Doc John has every right to say NO SUICIDAL POSTS on HIS board!! It's not CONGRESS telling you you can't do it! It's Doc John and the rest of us that don't want to put up with your crap that are telling you SHUT THE HELL UP!!! One rule on this board is NO SUICIDAL POSTS. Period! Thank God I'm not suicidal but your post about holding the gun to your head pisses me off. That's not to mention any of the members who are hanging on by a thread, trying to NOT end their lives. You don't give a rats *** what you do to them, to you?? Or do you?? Do you want to trigger someone to do exactly what you wrote?? Thoughtlessness, selfishness, self-centerdness are all IMMATURE behaviors, Ian. Grow up! Think of others instead of just yourself! Go to a suicide message board if that's what you want to talk about and wallow in! Leave the rest of us alone to get through a most difficult time of the year instead of trying to drag us down with you! He's making a list and checking it twice...
__________________ Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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Most Legendary Elder
Member Since Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 22,211
(SuperPoster!)
20 397 hugs
given
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Nov 30, 2003 at 02:17 PM
#15
My, my, my! What a wonderful, bright, respectful child! You don't need your mouth washed out with lye soap, do you??
If I thought it would do any good, I'd feel sorry for you, Ian, but I don't. You'll learn some really cold, hard lessons in your young life about being so angry and hostile to people. You think you know it all? Think again! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! He's making a list and checking it twice...
__________________ Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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