I see no solution

This could be a long rant, but I'lll just post it anyway. I just need to get my entire story off my chest. Maybe there's someone out there who can help me get a new perspective, because currently I have none.
I hope this doesn't seem too benign in comparison to other people's problems, but it's big for me. I also realize this might probably just as well be posted in "School & Study Issues" or "Social Anxiety", but I'll just leave it here.

I graduated high school in 2009. Up until that point I was... well, not exactly happy, but in comparison to my state now it was heaven. I did well in school, had a few friends, had no problems with anyone else. I was never very social, kept to myself and my small circle of friends mostly, but it was good enough for me. I had my place in life. Sure, I always dreamed of the life after school, how beautiful it would be to break free from this provincial school, to find enlightened people, people who were more like me, to maybe have a bigger circle of friends, maybe even find love one day... but those were minor worries - or at least I perceive them like that now.

At some point after graduation, the state that has now been diagnosed as depression set on. I didn't really have an idea what I wanted to do, and thinking about the future too much and in too much detail scared me, so I made the rather quick decision to start college the next fall. I got a part-time job to earn a bit of pocket money and keep myself occupied until then, I still saw my friends regularly, and that was that. Up until late 2010, things were still ticking along rather nicely.

In fall 2010, I started college. About a week later I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was too much, I was scared, everything was different, I was scared of being unable to succeed, and possibly worst of all, I was alone. I was never good at meeting new people and making friends, but that really hit me here. I missed my friends, my support network, my "safety net". All I had was a bunch of strangers who'd already formed cliques, and class requirements and assignments that seemed insurmountable. I wanted to quit after a week. My parents convinced me to at least go to a few of my classes until I'd figured out what to do next. I agreed, and I did.

I mostly did well in these few classes, but I was still lonely, depressed and without motivation. I haven't made a single friend in college. I just wanted to go back to my carefree high school days, but I was forced to look towards the future.

After a few months at college, I decided to start an apprenticeship in summer 2011. I was confident that things would be different there, that it would be more like high school, that I would "shine" there and be happy again. I was dead wrong.
Beginning a few weeks before that new school was supposed to start, I spent every day crying and panicking. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to deal with this new situation either, that I wouldn't have a future, that I'd blow my last chance and have nothing, that I'd never be happy there. I went to that school for one day and almost broke down again. I dropped out that same week.

Fortunately I was able to re-enroll in college, so now at least on my resume it looks like I still have a "normal" way of life, but I have no idea what to do, and haven't since last summer. I see a therapist once a week now and it does make me feel better, but my future looks darker than ever. I'm still enrolled in college, but I've missed so much that I can't keep going there "regularly"; I'm only in college on paper and to create the illusion that my life is still normal, when it's anything but.

I have no motivation for anything. I just sit around at home depressed, watching another year fly by without progress while all my friends have gone on to do great things with their lives. That's another thing that brings me down: I hardly see my friends anymore, and when I do, it's not like it used to be. I can't make new friends because of my social anxiety, and even if I didn't have it I still wouldn't know where to start looking. I hate discos etc. and most social situations where I don't know people, and the few times I've tried going to such places were unsuccessful, so I stay lonely and dream of a life I know I'll never have.

I also dream of finding love, but I've been single all my life. I'm a lesbian and in my hometown there are barely any opportunities to meet LGBT people. Another thing that gets me down.

I've started fantasizing about death, but I know I could never kill myself. All I know is that I can't keep going like this. Every day is lonely and boring and grey.

I just wish I could go back to my high school days. Sure they weren't perfect, but they're as close to perfection as I'll probably ever get.
I'm scared of "growing up", of responsibilities I know I can't handle, of... life.

And I've become so angry and jealous of happy people, especially couples. These negative feelings are really hard to take.

Long story short, I need a perspective, I want happiness, but I'm depressed and everything seems hopeless.
And even if none of you have anything to say to me, at least I got this all off my chest for once. Thanks for this opportunity.

Hi, I think looking to the unknown future is scary for a young person. You are now on your own and what you do is up to you. You are looking at others as having an ideal life while yours seems to be blah for you. If you were looking in the reality of things, many of your peers are struggling also, with their own doubts and trepidations about their futures.

Try experimenting some and say "Hello" to other kids on the campus. Social anxiety can be seen as being a snob by some. Smile and make yourself approachable. I think making friends where you are is in your realm of availibility if you put yourself out there some. College is where people make life-long friends; and I hope that you stay in college and pursue your studies. Don't mope for the "good ole days", when the world can open up for you right now. Consider it an adventure in life...
hugs, bj

Hello, could you join some group clubs at school? They might have the same interest as you do. How about taking a couple of classes instead of a full load of classes?

You need to keep going and not sit at home. The depression only gets worse.

I think most people are afraid to grow up and move out in the world by themselves. You need to look at it as an adventure. Sometimes friendships start in places you never thought.

First I want to say I am so sorry you are feeling like this! It is not a fun place to be in, but it does get better. You and I are close to the same age, so I want to say I kinda understand where you are in life. I do not and will not ever claim to know exactly what you are going through cuz everyone is different, but I can relate. Graduating high school is exciting, but scary at the same time. You are so excited to “start your life” but you are also terrified to move on from what is comfortable.

I also know college is very scary and overwhelming when you first start. About 2 weeks into my freshman year, I called my mom hysterical, wanting her to come get me! Its common to feel scared and alone! You are usually going somewhere, where the area and all the people are new. That is scary for anyone!!! I think that it is great that you are still enrolled in college. It’s a step! I know its easier said than done, but could you maybe take one or two classes at a time? Just take it slowly.

I would highly suggest trying to find something you love. I know this is a very difficult thing to do especially without any motivation and when you feel like you have lost your way. For some people it takes longer to figure out what they want to do. If you can’t figure it out, then maybe hold off on college for now and get a job? I would suggest staying in college, but maybe it isn’t for you right now. I would also suggest joining something around your college campus. I joined a sorority and my life changed forever! Join something that interests you and you will find people that share that same interest.

I recently graduated from college and once I graduated I went through a period of depression where I felt like I had no one to turn to, no friends, and no motivation. My dad always says “you have to get angry enough to do something about it.” He doesn’t actually mean get “angry” but to just get fed up enough with life that you want something to change. Once again easier said than done. I started therapy and then I started to pull out of my depression and everything elso I screwed up and I found a decent job. It took a few months and I was very discouraged, but somehow things work out. That’s the advice I can give to you! Try to keep your head up! Try to find one good thing to focus on each day! Try to find something you love! And give yourself a break and do what you can to keep going because things will work out eventually!

I hope this helps a little and I hope things start to turn around for you

I didn't do very well at my 4 year college. I kept landing in the psych unit. Finally, I went home for good and enrolled at my local junior college. I was able to live at home and still go to school. This helped a great deal. I was also able to tailor the amount of classes I took so that I was not overwhelmed. I made sure to take classes that would transfer to a college within daily driving distance, so that when I was ready (after therapy and meds) to go back to a 4 year college, I could still live at home.

This is something you might want to think about.