[Jst1Dreamr]

Every morning I wake and I go to the mirror to see if I am real. Every morning I see myself and I know I am going to feel again for another day. What I don’t know is can I do this again today? Can I understand what I feel this day? Can I stop it? Each morning I say to that creature in the mirror “Why? Why did you pick me? Can’t you just go away and let me have my life? Why do you keep me here? Why won’t you just let me go home?” Everyday I look for something to hold on to, something to help me get through it again. I look for happy things around me, things that make me feel like I can share it too but the creature comes and takes all happy things away. It makes me know that they were not for me to feel. They are there to remind me of what I am not. They are to make me weak before I look in the mirror again. I can’t beat it because it thrives from giving me pain. It grows stronger every time it crushes my littles. It thinks my life is a game to play. I can’t be happy because it will die. I can’t die because it will have no one to play with anymore. I can’t win because I can’t lose because the game would be over and it needs me. I was weak and it came to get me. It knew I couldn’t fight it. It knew I couldn’t win. It makes me think that I can have nice in my life so that I trust and when I get close to the edge it grabs me and pulls me in to another round place so there is no where for me to go because I spin. I am trapped in this world of my mind, this world I exist in, this world I can’t escape.

[Christina86]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Jst1Dreamr.
Good for you for continuing to fight, even though its hard.

Thinking of you (and *HUG* if you're into that sort of thing)

PS. Welcome to Psych Central.