Coping with the End of a Relationship..and other things

I'm 23, graduated from college June 2011..I'm jobless and have zero motivation to seek a job. Well, not so much a lack of motivation, as a fear to do it. I have issues with socialization. Unknown situations, outcomes, etc scare me..I avoid social gatherings as much as I can..and I don't feel like I know who I am as a person and I don't feel like I can contribute much..but I don't feel like this 100% of the time. It takes a lot to get me to do something, or it takes a lot to make my feel good about myself (A LOT of pep talk). I hate talking on the phone.. I avoid phone calls and I only talk on the phone comfortably with my close friends, mom/dad, and ex. Everyone else I avoid like the plague. This contributes to my unwillingness to really dive into finding a job. I'm coasting and running out of options, and I'm panicking. It's all snowballing and I feel like taking the easy way out.
This is all added to the loss of my long time boyfriend and best friend.. I can't seem to let go of him. I cling and cling and cling. I beg and I plead.. he screams at me, calls me names..tells me to leave him alone.. I know it's pathetic of me but I just..can't. He taunts me with his new friend, who is a girl and who he talks to about us. He lies a lot so I never know what the truth is anymore. I still cling to the hope that he still feels something for me. I know I need to stop contacting him, he is driving me insane and he is so damn toxic.....I can make it through the night (I'm a night owl and I stay up all night playing video games on the internet, which contributed to our ending the relationship) with distractions but once those distractions are gone, he is all I think about.
I moved back home after graduating, and I have zero friends here. I have 2 friends back in my college town, I don't see or speak to them very often. My other friends I 'met' through facebook or the playstation network.. I can't really talk to them about any of this...I feel so friendless most of the time.. I can handle being alone most of the time, I've been a loner since meeting my ex online (did I forget to mention that I met him online, and we had a 2.5 year relationship..a REAL relationship, as corny as that sounds)..and now that he is pretty much gone..I feel completely alone..I have no1 to talk to about anything... Tonight he called me a fat ugly *****..I am worthless, no job, no friends..a loser. This is the same man who I loved for 2.5 years with all my heart. The man I seem to not be able to let go of. Losing him terrifies me to my very core. It's like I'm addicted to him. I don't know how to move on, or how to let him go.
Tonight I really felt like just ending it..then I stumbled across this website that asked me to just give 5 minutes to read it before I made a decision to kill myself, and thought I'd try it before continuing with any plans I was about to make. I also took a depression test where I scored as 'severely depressed'..so I clearly need help..I just don't know where to go. Back in Spring 2009 I went to the doctor because I was having these same feelings, not quite as intense as they are now..he seemed to really shrug it off and carelessly offered me pills or a therapist..I took the pills and they really seemed to work..it was almost impossible to think about suicide..it felt like my brain was just, locked out of that area and I wasn't allowed to think about it..I felt great..then the doc (and my mom) put me on the generic version and it all came crashing down..but I had met my bf (now my ex) and he really kept me going..he didnt know about any of this but all I did was smile with him..he made me so happy...so happy to be alive.
Now I think I'd prefer talking to a therapist about my problems and then going to the drugs..my problems aren't going to go away with suicide or with drugs..I know I have to learn to deal with my problems.
Writing this all down has really helped me put things in perspective and organize my thoughts. It's a step in the right direction I guess. My mom knows I'm depressed but shows very little care in actually helping me..I get a lot of criticism from her and my dad to find a job..they don't really seem to want to 'get it'..
I really want to just talk to somebody, just to get it out. This is the only way I could figure out how at 4 AM.
I feel like in the Game of Life..I'm Failing to Live.

Hi failingtoLive, Welcome first of all to PC. I am not a great one for advice but I can offer hugz and an ear. There are some really fabulous people here, most can probably say they are or have been where you are. I myself suffer from Chronic Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder and a severe lack of trust in People, even those close to me. This place I have found this to be a great place to just write everything I am feeling down and post. I just write here to get it out where I know it/I won't be judged, even if no-one reads it (which they do and then they will respond, encourage & empathize) but its off my mind and I can read it and realize that its genuine as its not just echoing through my head & others here can make sense of it too. A Therapist really is a great idea too to help You. I love mine but it took me three tries to get the right one, he is Wonderful and I am dealing better than ever, without meds now for 3yrs & that works for Me. As for the Ex so sorry that you are going through that, a break up is never easy. I hope that you get what you need from here to help you get past the hurt.
Sorry for the novel just wanted to be open about me a little to help you feel safe and at home here. Looking forward to seeing you more on here.

Huge Hugz
Nams

Just listened to this and had to share....All I can say is Simply Amazing as always.
Evanescence "Lost in Paradise"

"You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important"
Movie "The Help"