[cutbuddie]

i can't hold it in any longer, i need people to know what happened.
it all happened so fast, this huge wave of depression came over me. i no longer wanted to disappoint my parents. i think thats why i did it. it was valentine's day night, around 9pm when i did it. i had just come in from my last smoke. i walked around the house as quiet as can be finding all the tylenol i could. I filled up my water bottle and returned to my room in the dark with the tylenol. I started taking them 2 at a time. i emptied two bottles of tylenol. I felt completely fine. I wasn't crying, i wasn't upset.. I was determined.
I laid down in my bed trying to fall asleep after i took 30 tylenol within the last five minutes. I was tossing and turning for minutes. The pain started to kick in. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, as fast as it could go. Then a minute later i couldn't feel my heart beat at all. Thats when i started to feel scared. When i had finally realized what i had done. I took 30 pills, 500mg each. Why? Why did i have to do that? because this time, i wanted to die. I was going to. I felt determined, obligated.
5am - I woke up in my own vomit, all over my bed and on the floor. I was in a cold sweat. Confused. I could see some of the pills i took in the vomit.. I dosed back off to sleep.
9am - I woke up crying. My dad was kneeled down beside my bed, asking me why i did this to myself. My mom was cleaning the floor. I was drenched in sweat. All i could say was that i was sorry i let them down. I started to vomit more. A natural reflex from all the tylenol i took. I was throwing up my own blood. And i wasn't stopping. My dad left my room and returned. He had phoned my nurse Dayle and told him what happened. He said i needed to go to the emergency room to make sure all the tylenol didn't hurt my liver.
11am - Trying to get out of bed was the hardest. What was even harder was driving in the car, and even worse than that was walking into the emergency room, having people stare at me, a teenager who just wanted to die. Using a yogurt container as a puke pail. I was moved up to the front of the line and got hooked up to an iv. Got my blood tested and the results came back saying that i could quite possible have liver failure. Which was why i was throwing up blood. And i still continued to do so. Even though the nurse gave me every kind of medication to help. Didn't work.
4pm - A second iv was put into my other hand. Medication to help my liver. My mom had come right after work with some snacks. I couldn't eat at all. Nothing tasted the same as it did before. Even water tastes different.
6pm - They moved me out of the emergency room and onto the 3rd level, in pediatrics where i had to stay overnight hooked to the iv. Today, i got my blood tested 3 times, monitoring my liver and everything else. My dad left later that night when i got settled in.
I didn't sleep very well that night. Well at least i stopped throwing up. The next morning my dad came. I wasn't done my iv until 12 noon. Followed by more blood tests, the nurse told me that it was a very close call because my liver did fail but with the iv and everything, its all back to normal.
My psych and the nurse came to visit me to talk about what had happened and later that day, i was released from the hospital to go home.
I will always have to live with this experience in my past. Im glad i survived this, but deep deep down, i wish i hadn't.

[Rohag]

((((((( Cutbuddie! )))))))

I'm so glad you're here to post this!

[SoupDragon]

I am glad you are here too. Soup

[Suki22]

thank you for your post. I'm glad it was only a "close call." I'm happy you're still with us. I know how you feel--I've been there. xoxo!

I am so glad you survived too! It wasn't ONLY a close call. That's the mistake I always make by saying this. It was a serious deliberate attempt that very well could have killed you.
You survived for a reason; though I don't know what the reason is...maybe you should listen to it. You are a special, one of a kind person, who has a reason...a GOOD reason to be here. I hope you stay.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by cutbuddie

i can't hold it in any longer, i need people to know what happened.
it all happened so fast, this huge wave of depression came over me. i no longer wanted to disappoint my parents. i think thats why i did it. it was valentine's day night, around 9pm when i did it. i had just come in from my last smoke. i walked around the house as quiet as can be finding all the tylenol i could. I filled up my water bottle and returned to my room in the dark with the tylenol. I started taking them 2 at a time. i emptied two bottles of tylenol. I felt completely fine. I wasn't crying, i wasn't upset.. I was determined.
I laid down in my bed trying to fall asleep after i took 30 tylenol within the last five minutes. I was tossing and turning for minutes. The pain started to kick in. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, as fast as it could go. Then a minute later i couldn't feel my heart beat at all. Thats when i started to feel scared. When i had finally realized what i had done. I took 30 pills, 500mg each. Why? Why did i have to do that? because this time, i wanted to die. I was going to. I felt determined, obligated.
5am - I woke up in my own vomit, all over my bed and on the floor. I was in a cold sweat. Confused. I could see some of the pills i took in the vomit.. I dosed back off to sleep.
9am - I woke up crying. My dad was kneeled down beside my bed, asking me why i did this to myself. My mom was cleaning the floor. I was drenched in sweat. All i could say was that i was sorry i let them down. I started to vomit more. A natural reflex from all the tylenol i took. I was throwing up my own blood. And i wasn't stopping. My dad left my room and returned. He had phoned my nurse Dayle and told him what happened. He said i needed to go to the emergency room to make sure all the tylenol didn't hurt my liver.
11am - Trying to get out of bed was the hardest. What was even harder was driving in the car, and even worse than that was walking into the emergency room, having people stare at me, a teenager who just wanted to die. Using a yogurt container as a puke pail. I was moved up to the front of the line and got hooked up to an iv. Got my blood tested and the results came back saying that i could quite possible have liver failure. Which was why i was throwing up blood. And i still continued to do so. Even though the nurse gave me every kind of medication to help. Didn't work.
4pm - A second iv was put into my other hand. Medication to help my liver. My mom had come right after work with some snacks. I couldn't eat at all. Nothing tasted the same as it did before. Even water tastes different.
6pm - They moved me out of the emergency room and onto the 3rd level, in pediatrics where i had to stay overnight hooked to the iv. Today, i got my blood tested 3 times, monitoring my liver and everything else. My dad left later that night when i got settled in.
I didn't sleep very well that night. Well at least i stopped throwing up. The next morning my dad came. I wasn't done my iv until 12 noon. Followed by more blood tests, the nurse told me that it was a very close call because my liver did fail but with the iv and everything, its all back to normal.
My psych and the nurse came to visit me to talk about what had happened and later that day, i was released from the hospital to go home.
I will always have to live with this experience in my past. Im glad i survived this, but deep deep down, i wish i hadn't.

(((cutbuddie)))

^This post^ is so sad. And i nodd along in agreement reading this because i get it too, i do...

You have gone through a lot, so pouring/adding on more externally will hurt too...i hope you can just try to take it one day at a time going forward. Yes there are a gazzillion what ifs and shoulds - i still think about them too. But right now, you are here.

I hope all of the necessary support, care, and love you need can continue too.

[TerryL]

(((Cutbuddie)))--so glad you are still with us. It was good to read how much your parents care about you. I hope you can work out whatever is troubling you. Please stay well. ps I am also so touched by your love for Oscar. Our pets are never with us long enough.

[depressedalaskan]

(((Cutbuddie))) Glad to see that you made it through one of the hardest things about depression. This illness has no friends, it hides untill it has a chance to overwhelm you. You see I know what this illness tells you, I too have been down your road and ended up in the hospital. I don't know what is in the future for us but I can tell you (if we try) we can live with this illness as long as we are ready for it when it hits us the hardest. I am hoping that your family now understands that you are not at fault for you illness.

Getting ready for that day again, if it comes. Keep phone numbers of family and friends that understand your illness. On this list add your doctors, counselors or any professional that can help you, also add any hotlines for suicide prevention. Keep these numbers in a safe place or even on you. I keep my doctors numbers in my pocket at all times now. You can never tell when depression will hit at full force again.

I myself take this article very seriously. I want to say thank you to the auther. This is a well written article on what depression can really do to us. (((Cutbuddie))) please take care of yourself. Try to set up a plan for future bouts with depression (praying there are no more). Think about making a call, it will not be as painfull and what can it hurt?

It took me a while to write this - the article hit me right at home - I see a lot of stringth in (((Cutbuddie))) for being so stronge to write it.

[Nams]

(((Cutbuddie))) Thanks for sharing, so glad that you are here to tell it.

Hugz
Nams