[malfide]

So here is my problem. I often feel depression, lonelyness, emptyness. Although it has decreased to some extent I still feel it.
I think it started during my childhood, whereby I didn't have that great relationship with my mother. She was kind of pessimistic. Like whenever I talked to her about things at school she started comparing me to other kids and asked why I couldn't be as good as them. So at some point I stopped talking to her. I'd rather be home alone with my computer.
And then as teenager I became suicidal. Or I should say I was thing about suicide all the time. I found the life very boring and I kept asking myself what I am living for. I was unhappy with my life. But I just couldn't do the final step because I was brought up christian. I was also very anti social. I wanted to be more social I just didn't know how. I just didn't know how to talk to people and I also didn't like talking to people. And the depression kept me from doing it. I just thought I had some kind of antisocial disorder, asperger syndrome or autism.

Since college, after being suicidal for like 7 years, it just suddenly stopped but I did feel constant depression/lonelyness. And I felt like I have done nothing in my life. So I went to a bit extreme and I joined the military service. Which is compulsory in my country. I stopped with my study and went back to South-Korea. I thought it would be nice to be killed in the time of war by north-koreans. And if I did survive that the military would turn my life around and I would be more social, won't feel for depression/lonelyness/emptyness. And now that I'm done with my military service it did change me in a good way. I began to look at things more in an optimistic way. And I do feel a lot better then like during my teenage times. But I do still have to cope with all that bad feelings I feel time to time.
Maybe it's because I never really had a girlfriend that I want to have one so badly. I miss having a intimate relationship with a girl. Because I have a bad history with my mother? It's beginning to worsen since the time it didn't work out so well with a girl that I had crush on. Because of my social awkwardness? I just don't know anymore.

So I was thinking about seeking some kind of psychiatric help. Does it look like I have some kind of disorder? I've heard there are a medicine for depression and all that stuff. Perhaps it would help me a bit. I have doubts about it. Will therapy help? So are there people around here who had problems like this. I would like to know how they handle this problem. I do want to change this just don't know how.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Yes, therapy WOULD help. It would help with the depression, with feelings of being not "good enough," with self-esteem, with every single thing that has been bothering you!! And don't worry about putting a 'label' on any disorder you may have. That's just not necessary. All that is needed is that you get some help. You just want to get better!

I've been depressed since I was a child. When I became an adult I got into therapy and it has helped IMMENSELY!!! I'm so glad I did it. I also had to have an antidepressant along with therapy but I feel so much better now!!

I hope you'll seek help soon! Life is too short to waste time. I wish you the very best! Please take care and let us know how you're doing from time to time, ok? We do care! Hugs, Lee