Mood Log

I’ve begun to notice my moods go on somewhat of a cycle. About every two weeks I seem to repeat the same set of moods. It’s almost like a wave: at the crest is the beginning, at the trough is the middle, and the next crest is the end of one cycle and beginning of another.

The crest is normally like this:

I feel extremely good in general, like being high on something. The world is a bright sunshiney place. I talk more than normal, my thoughts race, and I can’t pay attention to anything. It’s almost like I didn’t take my Adderall. I honestly can’t say I have the best judgement. I get a lot of ideas in my head about what I want to do with my life, and it’s at this point where I have a strong craving for knowledge. I spend money impulsively, usually on food. I fidget a lot and can’t sit still. I have a ton of energy and I stay up later than normal (usually past 4:00 AM; my usual bedtime is ~2:30-3:00 AM) and get up at my normal time of 11:00 AM without feeling tired. I laugh way too hard at dumb jokes, and I think everything is funny. I get an odd obsession with cleanliness and neatness. I lash out occasionally and my frustration with things turns into inappropriate anger. For example: while losing in a video game, instead of saying a few profanities to myself and moving on, I start yelling said profanities and tossing the controller.

Then the crest starts to decline, and I become “normal”:

I become quieter, more calm, but also stressed. I begin to worry about everything. My knowledge craving passes. The world seems more dim and unforgiving. Things stop being as funny as they were in the days prior. I take on a more serious attitude, but I still smile and I feel alright. I clean less and don’t mind little messes like small piles of clothes on the floor. I start to lose my motivation to do things. The money I spent starts to dawn on me and I feel bad for it. I go to bed at my normal time. I eat a little more than two meals per day. My mood is generally nonchalant.

Finally I hit the trough, which is my “rock bottom”. This only lasts two days or so:

I stop talking, smiling, and start feeling sad. The world is now a dark hole. I eat one meal or less per day. I feel completely empty and helpless. I convince myself that I am a failure and can’t do anything right. It is during these times I begin to think about death (not suicide) and cutting myself, but I refrain from self-injury. The lowest point comes during the last night in the trough: I sit in a dark room and cry uncontrollably. I talk to my teddy bear and ask him if he still loves me. I hug him like my life depends on it. I have legitimate conversations with an invisible man named Steve. I feel lost, scared, and vulnerable. Though I eventually stop crying, the smallest criticism will trigger it again.

After a few hours, I either pass out from crying, or my girlfriend comes in and comforts me until I calm down. The next day I’m in the middle of the wave again, and by the end of the day I am at the crest. Then the process starts all over.

I'm certainly not a pdoc, but if I were having those symptoms I would be bipolar, no question. (I could use one of your crests about now lol). Start keeping a mood chart and go see a/your pdoc. With any luck you can lessen the height of the crest and the depth of the trough. Good luck!

"Maturity is simply a better
grasp on cause and effect"

I have to agree with Davy -- there sure is a manic/depressive phase to all of it, so it probably is bipolar.

Have you gotten into therapy yet? I know you don't have insurance, so it would be difficult. But it sure sounds like you need treatment. Could you perhaps qualify for Medicaid? They pay for mental health treatment. Why not look into that -- perhaps you could get help that way. I sure hope you can!

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks DJ I have a few blog posts that I'm going to print off and take to my pdoc tomorrow. I hope he doesn't think I'm completely nuts after that!

Thank you Lee I haven't thought about Medicare... I didn't know I could even qualify for it!