[carrie-19]

i cant believe i'm actually back here.
first off, i feel so guilty, like i'm using all of you guys,because my input into helping others is next to nil. i'm not even asking anyone to reply to this, i just need to vent it out..

after EVERYTHING,i'm back. seriously.how many times is it possible to relapse? i'm so tired of getting better, and then relapsing even worse. it always comes back to me. self harming,overdoses, crying, sleeping.
its always a cycle. start to feel better -feel good for ages,months,once for a year, man i got lucky that time and then - mood does a nose dive, and i'm back to where i started if not somewhere worse.

then comes therapy,meds, psychologists psychiatrists and they always say the same thing - you have depression (yea thanks i knew that already..), take these meds, go to therapy.

and i do all that. and i always end up back here.everyone else moves on, gets jobs,gets new friends.and me ?i'm eternally stuck in this stupid stupid thing.with myself. i'm so jealous of everyone else who doesn't have to put up with me all the time, they can just walk out of the room and leave me, but me?i'm stuck with me forever.

why why why? i'm so sick of this endless cycle..

[dailyhealing]

Hi carrie, thanks for sharing here. I'm fairly new here, and have had depression on and off for over 20 years. I hope you won't be so hard on yourself about not being here right now to help others. I am on the other side right now and yet feel almost the same. I'm in a good space, and feel weird being on here and not being currently depressed... I have a question for you. When things start going better do you go off your meds and then comes the relapse? I tried to go off my meds every time until recently. I would go on meds, feel better, then work to get off of them. At first I would last months or even years feeling well. Recently the depressive episodes came back quicker, and with more intensity. My pdoc says I have recurrent major depression, and that every episode I have makes another more likely in the future... So I have decided, after much resistance and struggle, to not try and go off of my meds. I'm just going to stay on them and see what happens, live with the side effects. Not sure if that is your issue, but your story sounded familiar. So sorry you feel bad. I know you probably know this, but it is the depression that is making you feel so bad about yourself. It is an illness, and not your fault! Try to be kind to yourself, you deserve it. I hope you keep sharing on here!

[Suki22]

Carrie, I know exactly how you feel--you are not alone! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired but I can't seem to get unstuck. I don't know what to say other than I feel you.

and you're not "using" us. that is why this forum is here to help people in crisis and it's nice if you post and offer support to others but it's not a requirement. and some people are better at it than others (I wish I had better things to say to others on here). don't feel guilty. take care.

[carrie-19]

thanks for the kind words guys, makes me feel less alone.
i do always stay on my meds until i'm told i can reduce the dose or stop taking them.and then everything seems really good for ages, or sometimes not too long. and it all snaps back again.
the past few weeks have been really tough.some days are really intense, then it eases off and try and pick myself up but it doesnt really work. i think about going back to therapy but i just don't see what more it can do for me. it's as if the world is saying you'll always be stuck with this, so just give up already.

[SSaysRelapse]

Hello, may I ask, due to your medical history, haven't any of your doctors ever considered the possibility that you just may have to stay on medication indefinitely?

[carrie-19]

none of them have ever mentioned it to me nope. i'm not sure how i'd feel about that tho

[venusss]

well, to look at it from other (non-medical) perspective... how your life is? Are you heading in the right direction in your opinion, or are you trying hard to learn to come to terms with being in a place in life where you don't like being?

Is there a chance to change that maybe? Are there issues from past you are working at? Maybe changing a way you deal with that (I find most therapy to be too focused on "being well" and too little on spiritual and existential aspects of life that can take toll on person). Maybe discovering new lifestyles, philosophies and so on... might the nod in right direction.