[dani_4447]

hi

i need help to understand depression please. my friend is in the hospital because of depression and i don't know how to support him, what would work the best. he really needs my support but i don't want to say something that will make it worse. can you tell me how your friends support you the best?

dani

[dailyhealing]

I don't know if I have much to offer you about this, but I will give you some thoughts. In order to care for him, you can encourage him to fight the depression, do his therapy, take his meds. Does he have support other than you? Are you able to visit him? As for what to say that helps and doesn't make things worse, I would tell him you care about him and you want him to get the help he needs. Depression is a medical issue. I would also recommend going on the site here and looking at the information about what depression is. There are all kinds of links on here about it. Finally, if you have any more specific questions feel free to ask! Good luck to you.

[TerryL]

When I was depressed I just wanted someone to listen to, and to talk to, about my problems, and for them to check in on me to see how I was doing, to genuinely care. If you are not sure what to say to your friend, just proceed gently, maybe ask him if he wants to talk about what is making him so sad. You are a good friend.

[dani_4447]

hi dailyhealing

thank you for your advice. i can visit him i'm just kinda scared to go to a place like that. idk what to expect cuz i've never been to a place like that before. all i've seen is from movies like girl interrupted. should i go? do you think that would help him?

dani

[dani_4447]

hi terryl

thx i'm trying to understand. i have to say i've had a pretty privileged life and it's kinda hard to hear some of the things that are making him sad. but if that is the worst part then i think it will be ok. he writes a lot of poetry. i really like what he writes. it's dark and all but it really makes me think. right now i'm just trying to point out the positive things that i see in him. like, i love his smile. when he smiles his whole face lights up. it's almost like there's a light that comes on behind his eyes and he just glows. i'm learning some jokes so i can get him to laugh and forget about his problems just for a second even.

dani

[TerryL]

Hi dani--I understand what you mean about this being a whole new experience for you--knowing someone with depression and him being in the hospital. I felt like that too before but reading about everyone's issues here on PC (as well as facing my own) has been very eye-opening for me and maybe it will be for you too. As for how to help your friend, just be honest and kind--perhaps you can tell him that you don't quite understand what he is going through but that you are still his friend. and just let things flow from there. If you are not comfortable going to the hospital, perhaps you could phone or text him, or even just send a card. Just knowing that someone really cares will definitely help him. Again, you are a good friend.

[dailyhealing]

Hello dani, Again, I'm glad you are here and looking for support! As TerryL said, you are a good friend. He is lucky to have you. It could help to visit him, but I don't know the situation well enough. Perhaps texting him asking if he would like a visitor? I'm not trying to be rude, but telling jokes might not be the best approach. When I am depressed it doesn't always feel good to have people try to make me "feel better". It is more helpful to be told that I am cared for, that I matter to you in your life, and that what I am feeling is ok and that I won't feel like this forever. Feelings of depression almost always pass, especially if they are treated (therapy and/or meds). I hope that helps, and I hope you will give us updates! Good luck to you!

[SSaysRelapse]

Hello. I agree with what dailyhealing has mentioned. Being depressed right now, having my family members try to make me "feel better" by telling me that I have so much going for me, etc., doesn't help, and could even trigger even more depressive feelings.

Remember that your presence in his life is all you can do. Being there, to listen, for humanistic support, is all you can do. He may reach out, tell you all of his issues/problems, and you will try all you can to give him the right answer or reaction. This is a dangerous area. Just try to be empathize with him, but if you cannot, being sympathetic can be dangerous. Supporting him by being there will help a lot more in the long run then trying to inject your personal relationship/friendship into the situation, and then feeling rejected or dejected when he's still in the same state despite what you're reminding him of. Best of luck, please keep posting.

[NYCDoglvr]

I can only talk about my own experience with major depression. I've been treated for it most of my life, on anti-depressants. When I had a breakdown my thinking was completely distorted, it seemed the only thing I could do was kill myself; thankfully I didn't do that. I believe I was alone in the word, my self-hatred was extreme and there simply was no hope. None of those things were -- or are -- true, but I believed they were. For me the earmarks of depression were self hatred and self destructiveness. Medication did -- and continues -- to work well for me. One day I could look back at my thinking (I call it "depression-think") and shudder. I don't go around singing "Volare" but but my thoughts and reactions are very, very different.

I got to the point that I literally couldn't get out of bed and stopped eating entirely. Amusingly I realized at that point I realized I was even incapable of killing myself, lol. Two doctors tried to talk me into going into a hospital but I refused. One thing kept me going: a mantra, "when there is breath there is hope". Fortunately the meds worked.

I think the best support is just showing up for someone in a depression. Just be with them. What really helps is getting the mind diverted from the cesspool it's in so talk about stuff not related to depression ... gossip, news, friends, family. It helps lift the person out of the twisted thinking. Just show up!

[venusss]

Listen. If they want to distract.... distract.

I'd like to warn of being too "supportive" in telling him that "yes, it sucks you have this horrible horrible disease, poor poor you". Try to give 'em reasonable hope instead. Do not affirm depressed person in their depressed feelings, because it can make it worse.

[depressedalaskan]

If you are going to listen to your friend be prepared. You will hear things that you are not going to like or understand. But listening to your friend will be very important to them. Depression is an illness that takes all of our selfworth from us, and I mean all of it. Look to be strong for them. Being in the hospital will most likly be good for them, they will be with others that understand.
Should you goto the hospital? I don't see why not. If your friend says they don't want to see you, do not give up. Depression will try to keep them alone. The hospitals that I have been in are like a hotel with a lot of rooms off the living room so they should not be a problem for you. Good luck, Hope all goes well.