[ssaturn]

I have always been prone to depression but a betrayal from a parent some years ago has thrown me into a bout of depression that I can't seem to swim out of...Although that incident wasn't "traumatic" by common standards, it utterly destroyed me. I think about it literally every day, and this has been going on for at least three years. It consumes every second of my thoughts when I am awake, and my dreams are always related to it. Whenever I think about it, I become lightheaded and my stomach hurts. Whenever I see the parent, whom I still meet on a daily basis, I feel a strange combination of pity and aversion--I'm supposed to be able to forgive this parent but at the same time I feel like there is no one I hate more in the entire world. This small sense of pity makes me want to vomit. It makes me feel sick to the core that I feel pity for this person. And most of all, I hate myself the most because it all happened because of my stupidity. If I hadn't been so nosy and vengeful, none of this would have happened.

I thought good news would help me feel hopeful but even the best of news can't rid this. Instead of feeling hopeful, I'm worried that something bad will happen in return for what is supposed to be good fortune. I am afraid that this is my life.

[Rohag]

Hello, Ssaturn!

Originally Posted by ssaturn

...a betrayal from a parent some years ago has thrown me into a bout of depression that I can't seem to swim out of...Although that incident wasn't "traumatic" by common standards, it utterly destroyed me.

This makes sense to me. That is, I can easily imagine something not considered traumatic having greatly disproportionate effects, especially in someone prone to depression.

Originally Posted by ssaturn

...I'm supposed to be able to forgive this parent...

Just my opinion: Real forgiveness cannot be forced. It has to ripen naturally, like fruit. In your case, too much focus on forgiveness may only serve to feed the obsession.

May your past fade. May your life be more than your past.