I know my behavior lately and especially today is a bit destructive. I'm not suicidal. I'm unhappy. I have an intense amount of anger mostly directly inwardly at myself. It's amazing how much I hate myself. It goes beyond hate really. It's contempt to the core. I hate every cell of my living, breathing body. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm just the most convenient target? lol

I've always been a little smarter than average. I kinda like that fact even though sometimes I blame it for making me more unhappy but lately I've been into mixing booze and alcohol. Not enough to kill me, just enough to deaden the pain a bit. Thing is I know it does bad things to my body and my brain (it basically makes you stupider I think) but right now I feel like I just don't care. In fact I hate my body and want it to do. I want to abuse it. I want it to stop living.

Again, not saying I'm trying to kill myself. But the question is what does it mean when one gets into this state of mind wherein one literally wants to do damage to one's body (or their intelligence) because they hate themselves so much? Probably not a good sign is it? And why worry about brain damage? I was apparently pretty smart before. Look where it got me: I have a couple of college degrees and I'm this miserable. Maybe being a bit stupider would help.

[Yoda]

Alcohol damages your liver too.

Why is it that you don't care about hurting your body with alcohol? It will only make life harder.

I don't know why I don't care. I just don't. It's weird.