[whimsygirl]

Hello to anyone who might read this. Last night I took a big plastic box, went through the house and put all the physical reminders of the person I called my Best Friend (the one who has completely deleted me from her life)....into it, to be put away for the moment, but with the strong thought that some day they might all be returned to her by mail. My (ex) friend was a very generous person, so there are ~were so many of these reminders. CD's, books, mugs, pajamas, cute refrigerator magnets, photo frames, boarding passes, ticket stubs, and so much more. And she was really big on cards.....with "BFF", "Love you", and "Hugs" all over them....really painful to see now. As I went through this process, as they are prone to do lately, my feelings swirled. In a way it felt good to make some kind of move, but of course it was also a reminder of so much we have shared, and I must admit that now when I look around it looks and feels empty to me. My heart is so broken..... ps....Wishing everyone the best day possible.

[dailyhealing]

I think when we are suffering that anything we can do to help us heal is the right thing to do. If this feels right to you then I think that's great. I'm sorry you are hurting so much about this. Also, I think it's wise that you put it away instead of get rid of it altogether. Who knows what the future holds and it's good to keep your options open. I have not read all your posts, but is this something that could one day be reconciled or is the relationship damaged beyond repair? Take care of yourself and thanks for posting.

[regretful]

It is so sad to move on from friendships, especially ones that you treasured so much when they were going on...I'm sorry that your heart is broken. About a year ago I discovered, much to my chagrin, that my wife was carrying on an Internet affair with a friend that I had known for over 20 years. I went through a similar process of putting away, or should I say ridding myself of all that was associated with that guy. My emotions were/are all over the place about that. I guess I'm telling you this because no matter what happens to end a friendship, it is never easy. Maybe in your case there is some comfort in the possibility that you can, as "dailyhealing" says, reconcile one day. I know that I never will reconcile with my former friend. He had a way of trying to pry into my wife's life a couple of times after the affair was discovered. I did a lot of work to keep my marraige going...anyway, as you know from reading my posts that I digress...a lot...

Moving on is progress. I know that when I moved on fully from my ex-friend that I have felt better and found other people in my life who truly care about me.

Keep the smiles and well wishes for others to have a good day coming. I think that those are helpful things to do.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by dailyhealing

I think when we are suffering that anything we can do to help us heal is the right thing to do. If this feels right to you then I think that's great. I'm sorry you are hurting so much about this. Also, I think it's wise that you put it away instead of get rid of it altogether. Who knows what the future holds and it's good to keep your options open. I have not read all your posts, but is this something that could one day be reconciled or is the relationship damaged beyond repair? Take care of yourself and thanks for posting.

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words. I agree very much with what you say about healing, and also regarding putting things away instead of doing something more permanent. I tend to be quite impulsive in general, but I do think keeping some options open at the moment is definitely the wiser thing to do. As to your question about a possible reconciliation, sadly I don't feel that is very likely. Not impossible, but nothing I can imagine at this time. I have made it clear to this person (my ex-bff) that I still I love her, and want the friendship to continue, but the circumstances require that she be willing to talk, and she is making it clear that she is done with me. Lest this be confusing, here is the nutshell version of our story (it actually is a bit therapeutic to tell it). We have been very close friends....Best Friends....for a few years, but she has never been comfortable dealing with my depression, which has been like a pink elephant in the room for some time. As I have been going downhill for the past several months, this has been harder and harder to deal with, and sometimes her "avoidance" of the elephant has become quite hurtful at times. Somewhat ironically, though, is the fact that I could actually deal with things if she would ~could just admit that it makes her uncomfortable....but she won't, as obvious as it is. So...A few weeks ago I brought all this up again, and after sending me a few e-mails saying how sorry she was for hurting me "from the beginning", that I needed to believe that she loved me, and that she prayed our friendship could be repaired....she has completely shut me down, will not respond to my messages, and so on. Anyway, perhaps that was too much information, but that's the story. Sheesh, relationships can be so difficult. Warm wishes.....

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by regretful

It is so sad to move on from friendships, especially ones that you treasured so much when they were going on...I'm sorry that your heart is broken. About a year ago I discovered, much to my chagrin, that my wife was carrying on an Internet affair with a friend that I had known for over 20 years. I went through a similar process of putting away, or should I say ridding myself of all that was associated with that guy. My emotions were/are all over the place about that. I guess I'm telling you this because no matter what happens to end a friendship, it is never easy. Maybe in your case there is some comfort in the possibility that you can, as "dailyhealing" says, reconcile one day. I know that I never will reconcile with my former friend. He had a way of trying to pry into my wife's life a couple of times after the affair was discovered. I did a lot of work to keep my marraige going...anyway, as you know from reading my posts that I digress...a lot...

Moving on is progress. I know that when I moved on fully from my ex-friend that I have felt better and found other people in my life who truly care about me.

Keep the smiles and well wishes for others to have a good day coming. I think that those are helpful things to do.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I am so sorry about what you went through with your wife and your ex-friend. That level of betrayal must be very difficult to recover from, and I'm glad you made it through. And wow I sure understand why you would never reconcile with him. But with that said, how true that friendships ending is sad. What I have found is that with some it just seems like something that has to happen (as in the situation you speak about here)....but in others it just seems so unnecessary. That's how I feel about my situation, but as we've made reference to before, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"....and none of us can change another person, or what is in their heart. Sigh. Otherwise a couple of little "catch up" things. So you lived in Fresno. I was there for a few days a couple of summers ago, and wow it was hot and sticky! And lastly, happy for you that you're starting with a therapist....is it next week? I know I have felt a slight sense of comfort ever since I set up my first appointment (tomorrow actually). So good luck to you! Warm wishes....

[regretful]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I am so sorry about what you went through with your wife and your ex-friend. That level of betrayal must be very difficult to recover from, and I'm glad you made it through. And wow I sure understand why you would never reconcile with him. But with that said, how true that friendships ending is sad. What I have found is that with some it just seems like something that has to happen (as in the situation you speak about here)....but in others it just seems so unnecessary. That's how I feel about my situation, but as we've made reference to before, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"....and none of us can change another person, or what is in their heart. Sigh. Otherwise a couple of little "catch up" things. So you lived in Fresno. I was there for a few days a couple of summers ago, and wow it was hot and sticky! And lastly, happy for you that you're starting with a therapist....is it next week? I know I have felt a slight sense of comfort ever since I set up my first appointment (tomorrow actually). So good luck to you! Warm wishes....

Thanks whimsygirl,

I'm focusing all that I can on the serenity prayer...but not about other people, but about the situation that has been my life for the past 6 years. I'm overwhelmed by this business that I'm in and having a relly rough day. The upcoming therapy appointment (next Tuesday AM) has me filled with mixed feelings - on the one hand I'm pleased to have someone to talk with that knows nothing about what I am experiencing and can be reasonably objective with respect to my depression, but I'm also fearful that nobody will be able to help me..not because they are not qualified, but because my situation is hopeless in my eyes, so why won't other people see it as it really is too?

Fresno is where i spent three plus years in graduate school for clinical psychology. It was very hot there, indeed. When it went over 100 degrees, it seemed to stay that way until one day in October it just stopped and then rained a bit...then got foggy...then one day of spring, then 100 degrees again. As bad as it was there, I would gladly trade what I am experiencing right now for a return trip to the days of graduate school..again, invoking the serenity prayer on the things I cannot change...

It is very sad that friendships end in the ways that they do. Part of me wants to reconcile with this old friend of mine, if only to do the right thing about forgiving others...I've forgiven him, to some degree, but I've got a lot of ground to cover there...

I hope your counseling session went well.

[Fuzzybear]

[MotherMarcus]

How do you handle bad memories that are forever burned into your mind and heart ?Stuff that happened over 20 + years ago such as breaking up with a friend or being tormented through-out middle and high school. Each of us is wired differently and I know people will say therapy would be a help, but I am not ready to commit to that.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by MotherMarcus

How do you handle bad memories that are forever burned into your mind and heart ?Stuff that happened over 20 + years ago such as breaking up with a friend or being tormented through-out middle and high school. Each of us is wired differently and I know people will say therapy would be a help, but I am not ready to commit to that.

Hi MotherMarcus....I sure wish I had at least an idea for you, but honestly it sounds like something that might need to be dealt with in therapy, and you say you're not ready for that. Sending warm thoughts to you, and wishes that some how, some way you will find a little comfort as soon as possible....

[regretful]

Originally Posted by MotherMarcus

How do you handle bad memories that are forever burned into your mind and heart ?Stuff that happened over 20 + years ago such as breaking up with a friend or being tormented through-out middle and high school. Each of us is wired differently and I know people will say therapy would be a help, but I am not ready to commit to that.

I don't think you have to approach therapy as a commitment...it is something that, at its best, helps; and at other times, just helps you keep going from week to week...20 plus years ago pains are tough, but since then, you must have done something to survive that long. I know it's tough. I'm trying to adjust to a decision that I made 8 years ago (leaving a career, and it feels like that worst decision I ever made)...and believe it or not, I was tormented through middle school...thought I would get away from it at a new high school, but the same people were there, thought I would get away from it in the Navy, but found the same bullies ready to pick on me...Rambling a bit, but now I'm at a point where I NEED therapy. I start on Tuesday. The people with whom I am closest (wife and close friends) are embroiled in this with me all the time...the therapist, if they are good, can give you the view of your situation from 1000 yards away. I know it works. I was a therapist for quite a while; a patient thanked me for giving them the "view from above" so they could sort out the problems a bit easier.

I do wish you well and echo the positive thoughts and assistance that others have offered.

One other thought...in therapy, you don't have to address all your memories at once. Take them one at a time, at your pace, and regain control. That is what good therapy is all about, in my opinon.

Best wishes to you.