[ArrMCee]

Hi everyone,

My name is Rob, I'm 26 years old from Jersey, and I had some questions about what's going on with me, and what I should do. I will give an abridged story about the last ten years;

At about age 16, I started fantasizing about suicide. I would sit in my room with the lights out and cry and fantasize about killing myself. I always thought that it would benefit my family if I wasn't around.

At age 18, I was convicted of a few crimes, and was sentenced to 3 years in juvenile prison. Looking back, the strange part about the time is that I didn't feel suicidal during any of this ordeal. (Life was simple in prison) When I came out, I got involved with a girl pretty seriously. Although, after some time I realized I was not a positive part of her life (suicidal tendencies and violence coming out)

We parted ways in 2009, and I have been single ever since. In the past few years, I have seen a lot of success including a cushy job with a nearly 6-figure income, gained confidence in myself (consider myself attractive, charming and intelligent), and generally thought my life was getting turned around.

But, then my depression started creeping back. Although I was having success at my job, I binge drink every time I go out, and smoke marijuana almost daily. I don't even date girls any more because I know I'm not better mentally. A few weeks ago, I quit my job, and have a very poor outlook on life. It's even gotten to the point where my frustration has caused huge riffs between my friends and I, and I don't want to hang out with them any more.

For the past several months, I have been contemplating suicide again.. and I am scared that I will do it soon. I watched a movie about bridge-jumpers and I started crying (something I haven't done in over 3 years).

My question is: as a person without health insurance, what kind of treatment would some of you suggest? I exercise regularly, and am working full-time at a gym currently. I'm just afraid that if I go untreated, I will wind up killing myself to "cash out" on this world.

[TL;DR] Been suicidal for the greater part of a decade, looking for some help to stop these thoughts.

Any help is appreciated. Any. Thank you.

[Rose76]

I am sorry for what you are going through and for the fact that this is such a longstanding problem.

I can kind of relate because I have had a history of suicidal imaging for a long time. I think it can become a habit. Once counselor told me that +SI can be a disorder in and of itself. She was European (Germanic) and I have not heard this from anyone else. Maybe it is not an idea that has been popularized in the U.S. All the same, what she said really resonated with me. I do look at S.I. that is long term in that way.

I think that people like us get kind of ignored. More attention is paid to sudden, acute suicidality. It seems to me that the thinking is that +SI is important only in terms of the imminent danger of harm. That is why professionals always ask about any "plan" and then they evaluate the "lethality" of the plan and the "availability" of lethal means.

I understand the thinking there. At the same time, I feel that the level of distress of people like ourselves gets under-rated and under-treated. The human brain is a problem solving machine. I think we need to look into what we are trying to solve and why we are imaging suicide as an optimal solution.

At some level, we are being rational (according to our own lights.) I think something is scaring us. They say that suicide is an expression of anger. I don't think that is the case with people like us. I think it is an expression of fear. I think what we need is some source of reassurance. That might help us calm down and think of other solutions, alternative to suicide. Where to get that is the problem.

Like me, fear of being isolated seems to be part of the problem that you are trying to solve. All humans have to solve that problem. I think that we have been less successful and find ourselves isolated in a way that becomes intolerably stressful.

It is so interesting to me that you found yourself less suicidal while in prison. Life may have been more simple, but I think something else must have been true. I think it must have been the case that, in some strange way, you found yourself emotionally supported by being in prison . . . . supported in a way that you lost on exiting prison.

I think the thoughts can only be stopped if we find something more worthwhile to think about. That can be hard when life is not going well. I hope you can find a way.