"What makes me happy, Makes me sad"

Does anyone else:

look around at the things that surround us - children, spouse, home, job, garden, rain, sun, having a T or pdoc, anything that we could use to reason our good fortune or the infamous "what I have to be happy for"- and see nothing but painful reminders of what we can't enjoy because of this hell-born depression?

I have a little book I use to help me stay focused or help to remind me of what I do have to be greatful for, even the flowers in the garden, little snippets of words of wisdom from T and friends - it doesn't make me angry to look at it today. Sometimes, when I'm depressed, it makes me angry. But, today, this evening, it just makes me sadder.

There seems to be no connection between reason and depression. I feel completely empty - "like a house with all the children gone. No. Even emptier than that." Sadness and emptiness and the pit don't begin to describle how I'm feeling.

Suicide isn't even an option. There would be no point.

I am a lifeless puddle of goo, dehydrated by life, and blowing away in the breeze . . . . . .

SongBird

(((((((((( SongBird ))))))))))

This doesn't sound like you (((songbird))) Come back up and fly in the sky! TC

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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SongBirdandDaisy said:
Does anyone else:

look around at the things that surround us - children, spouse, home, job, garden, rain, sun, having a T or pdoc, anything that we could use to reason our good fortune or the infamous "what I have to be happy for"- and see nothing but painful reminders of what we can't enjoy because of this hell-born depression?


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That is exactly it! And then the guilt begins for feeling this way when there is so much reason not to.

I am so sorry you are going through this SongBird. My thoughts are with you.

((((((((((((SongBird)))))))))))))

I do this every day. I wake up and head for the kitchen and I have to pass my office, which used to be my sons room, I have to pass pictures on the walls that are my son and some of his toys are in the livingroom, some of his books are on the bookshelf, his ceramic handprint on my knick knack shelf, My child will not be home to live until he is 18.

My having DID does not help this situation because somedays it feels like someone died. And at one point for months I didn't remember I even had a child. Everytime someone mentioned him I would either go off to la la land or say "who?" to those asking and talking about him. Thanks to my friends and my therapist at that time and their not giving up I came back from that fugue and now I keep those reminders of my child around so I don't slip back into the fugue.

Every day of my life I literally have to pull myself out of bed I would rather stay there and die.

When I was going through that time period of going into la la land I stayed there for about 7-9 months and only came back out if la la land to be with my therapist at that time and one of my friends here in real life. I still don't have any memory of what happed back then so I would not be surprised to find out I have a memory piece or two from that experience. A friend tells me that sometimes I would say "(Sons name) and I are going biking today" and so on during that time.

During that time I was also actively suicidal - I remember downing handfuls of pills, thinking about walking in front of on coming cars, My friends say they have had to stop me because I wasn't just thinking of walking in front of the oncomming cars.

what finally woke me up from this active suicidal behavior was a friend sent me an email laying it all on the line and then sent me a paragrah wrote by her daughter that had also been a friend of mine who had committed suicide, and also my friend (who was my therapist at that time) stopped me from walking in front of a car and then sat with me in her car and flat out told me what my death would do to her and how much she cared about me and so on.

So now like you suicide is not an option for me. That empty hole for my son is going to be there for the next 5 years and two months (I'd probably be able to give you the countdown of days if I knew what day he would be graduating high school on)

There is nothing in this world that is going to change this situation and how I feel. So I had a choice to make I could let this drag me down into a depression that would end up with me in the MHU probably for the rest of my life or I could set some short term and a couple long term goals to focus that depression hole of missing my son into. and then work on those goals every day. my books and my therapy plans and so on.

And then as things went along I would get reminders of why I should be happy for example if he wasn't in residential he never would have been elegable for a sleep study program he was in and then he would not have been diagnosed with sleep apnea. Now I don't have to worry about if my child is going to stop breathing tonight from his having an asthma (which is what I was told he had as a baby) attack in his sleep. When Katrina hit and a friend lost her home I was reminded about how lucky I am to have the home I have and the food that I have and so on.

It took me almost a year to look beyond my son being gone to what needs to be done for me.

Talk with your therapist, it will help.

I will try, Sky. I might need a little extra updraft.

Songbird

Myself

Thank you for sharing such a heart felt story. Setting short term goals - even minute goals - sounds like something I could add to my "bag of tricks".

Your story reminds me that I am not alone and somehow, that does offer comfort, eventhough, I would never wish this feeling on my worst enemy (we all know who that is).

Thank you again!
SongBird

(((((((((((Songbird)))))))))))))))))
I get like that too. I am trying to teach myself too look at life moment by moment.
HUGS
Cher

((((((((((((((SongBirdAndDaisy))))))))))))))

I feel like that too... you described it so well.
I don't know how to help you more than to say, I care and that the sun is shining for you too!

((((songbird))) does that mean you need some HOT AIR from me.... puffing up cheeky clouds... W HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Got cha!

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

Cher

Sorry, it's all I can muster.

Songbird

poetrylover

Songbird

Sky

I did smile at the thought . . . .

Songbird

growling with you

(((((((((((( SongBird )))))))))))))

oh fuzzy,

I am in a control mode right now, trying to keep the system stable. I hope I don't "over-speak". When the depression gets really bad, a new part takes over and everything becomes an object to control because inside is out of control. Does that make sense?

*sigh* SongBird

(((((((( SongBird ))))))))))))))

Maybe it makes us sad because we realise, what life should have been like- when we were young. Every child should have a happy start in life. The loss of happiness?

That realisation is hard to come to terms with.

Personally I think you have been making great progress recently.

Take care.

wow yes that does totally make sense ((((((( SongBird )))))) safe gentle hugs (if ok)

I know that feeling too. Sometimes I feel like a "bad apple" in this house. Everything seems to hurt when I hurt and that makes me feel even worse. When I cant eat, my dog wont even eat! And when I cant get out of bed, neither can he. But it helps sometimes to remember that those same people (or animals ) love us that much to hurt because we do. You will be fine. We all will. We have to be thankful for what we have.

Pegasus

Do you really think so? That I've been making progress? It sure feels like I'm stepping backwards.

Yes, happiness is the loss that we feel. We feel like our life was stolen from us and there is no possible way to get that back

songbird